I have been married for over 6 years. My husband and I are raising my 10 yr. old daughter from a previous marriage, and we have a 5 year old together. I have a 12 year old step-daughter who lives 4 hours away with her mother and other step-family. When she comes to visit, my husband treats her differently from the other girls. He doesn't discipline her when she should be and buys her whatever she wants. I know it's not intentional, but he does not encourage her to spend time with the rest of us. In essence, we are excluded. How do I voice my concerns to him without him thinking that I am attacking him? Or, should I say anything at all? I think he's afraid if he is a "dad" to her that she will stop coming to visit, so he just lets her get by with things because it's only for a few days at a time. He's not doing his daughter any favors by not teaching her, and he's hurting the rest of us at the same time. What should i do?
2007-01-06 02:32:05 · 10 answers · asked by jeffandchristymoss@verizon.net 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Think about the 12-year old stepdaughter. She is 4 hours away from her Dad. She sees him very rarely. So, he's trying to make up for it by spending time with her. If your children were born of both of you, and lived with you every day, you would have "Mommy time" and "Daddy time" with each of them. Just think of this as her "Daddy time."
During the times that he spends with her, find fun things to do with your 10 and 5 year old, or spend time caring for yourself. Find things that you enjoy. Tend to your own garden.
I'm sure, although he may not realize it, that he feels bad and guilty about seeing her so rarely--and that probably affects how he disciplines her. Without knowing it, he realizes that he doesn't want to have her only memories of her Dad to be with him punishing her. He wants those minutes to be doing happy things.
Sad to say, I work with divorced people a lot. In second marriages, it's problems with the children (little or grown) that often cause divorces. So, to protect your marriage, I'd suggest you make this a non-issue. She will grow up one day and love you for it, and so will he.
2007-01-06 02:52:58 · answer #1 · answered by Faith 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would definately talk to him about this. He needs to treat ALL the children the same. I had this same problem, and didn't talk about it until I just blew up. Now, my husband and I are separated. I know his heart is in the right place, since he doesn't get to see his other daughter as much, but you need to tell him how this makes everyone else in the family feel. Good Luck!
2007-01-06 02:36:44 · answer #2 · answered by KB 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a stepmother with the same problem. I have a stepson that comes over and can be doing the same thing that someone else got in trouble for and he won't say a word to him and talks in a soft voice to him you know the whole thing. I have said something to him and his reason was that he doesn't get to see him that much. But I agree with you it is not fair to everyone else. And that he is afraid that he won't want to come back. But they don't realize that kids are smart and see this and play off of it. It is a problem that i have yet to solve.
2007-01-06 02:44:00 · answer #3 · answered by *queenfairy1*Antioch California 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although you and I both can understand the why of his behavior, you and hubby need to have a talk. Seek counseling if that doesn't do any good. Unless including the rest of you would truly be harmful, which it rarely ever is, the exclusion is damaging for everyone and really doesn't do any good. Not only that, but you're right in the fact that not parenting her is not doing her any favors either.
2007-01-06 02:40:23 · answer #4 · answered by OOO! I know! I know! 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow that family situation sounds VERY complicated. but i think you should try talking to your husband and finding out why he treats her like that. It could be intentional or completely subconscious. The best thing to do is talk to him and maybe suggest he treat her the way he would treat the other girls. Just make sure this is a suggestion because if you tell him what to do he won't like it. Better yet, make it seem like he decided it all on his own.
2007-01-06 02:37:00 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take control of the situation yourself.Treat your step daughter as your own. Welcome her to your family,and have a nice relation with her. After gaining her confidence,you can train her according to you. Be careful,not to hurt her or her father.
2007-01-06 02:38:12 · answer #6 · answered by ANU U 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think, if you print out your question, and put it in front of him, saying, "Tell me what you think of this.." you might start a good conversation about it.
You've put it very well, here, and sometimes we can write things down better than we can spontaneously start talking about them.
This is a good question, well written, and he should get to see it.
2007-01-06 02:43:51 · answer #7 · answered by gabluesmanxlt 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i'm not an adult, but may be i can help. if u are in good relationship with ur husband then u should talk to him, but be clam, no sceaming and fighting. explain what's the problem and discus it. if u think he would understand u, i think u should talk to him. try to solve the problem together. good luck!
2007-01-06 02:39:01 · answer #8 · answered by ju-isis 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would just talk to him about it in a very calm, relaxed manner. just let him know how you feel and see if there is a compromise you can make. good luck.
2007-01-06 02:35:25 · answer #9 · answered by Tracie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋