i am worried about my friend?

Question

my friend is engaged to a guy who has twins frm previous relationship. they are 2 yrs old and she loved them to bits but the mother left i think after they were born, im not sure when but she hasnt come back ever since for them and left them to thsi guy who is npw engaged with my mate. the mother could come anyday for them again and she could get custody of them if she wanted via the courts. am ii right? she is getting more and more attched to them but one day she may appear and take them away from her. She says they are all mine now but how can i get this across to her that one day she may get hurt and she has to be prepared jsut incase. maybe in yrs to come etc. they will soon find out that they have another mother figure who is a real mother to them and may choose her over my mate. That is mostly the case but not always. These 2 little girls are precious to her but do you think she has thought of this but it doesnt seem like it coz she has just been over the moon with the way life

turning out after tragedy after tragedy in her life in the past 7 yrs. what do i do? where shall i start or should i ignore it?

Answer 1

you shouldn't worry to much your mate and her man are in a stable relationship getting married and making a lovely family environment for these girls. What you might suggest is that the father goes and gets a parental responsibility order form the court this will prevent the kids being taken away, and if she did reappear it would be visiting rights she be after not custody if this order was in place as the courts are more flexible now and as the father is in a relationship it would be less likely they would move the children as it would be unsettling to them. suggest to your friend that she go see a solicitor with her man just to get a clear pic of where they stand...to save any heart ache,, by all accounts if these girls are small then they will see her as there real mum,, their biological mum will be just that, they should be straight with the girls from the start though and tell them they have another mummy somewhere and one day she might come and see them... this will avoid resentment on their part when they are older.. hope this helps :)

Answer 2

I think it's a good thing that you should think so far ahead for your friend, but honestly I don't think it's that legitimate to spoil it for her while what you fear may never happen.
We could all drop dead tomorrow, but again we might not. It will happen one day;
Still, shall we have the clothes, the will, all those things prepared just in case?
You know what I mean, don't be try so hard to want things to be right or perfect or you'll miss out on so many things.
Unless you're sure you can predict the future, don't spoil it for your friend.
She WILL be able and will HAVE TO deal with the situation when and IF it ever happens.
That woman who left her kids so young, do you think she might want to embarrass herself with them later on?
Would her new partner be able to stand TWO kids from a different man?
What about the time they'll need to get used to her?
Anyway, who says that she'll get custody that easily because she's the biological mother? She did abandon them didn't she.
Leave the bleak senario somewhere at the back of your head, but don't let it take over your life, and that of your friend.
At least, you're a great friend she'll be able to count on if it ever happens.x

Answer 3

0o0o0oh!
Stop thinking about your friend and start considering the children, they are not commodities, and a mother can't just drop them and walk back in years later.

This is very complicated and not your concern either, you should stop worrying about other people!

Look at why you are so worried about your friend's feelings over the care of these children, who are loved and well cared for as you mentioned.

Courts take ito consideration the primary carers over the previous years things don't necessarily go in favour of the natural mother. Why did she dump them??

This is a complex situation and you can't become judge and jury. In a few years the girls will be able to tell a court where they want to live themselves anyway.

In UK law it is not called custody anymore, it is called 'residence', i.e where the children live, this can be partly with one parent and partly with another!

Your friend who is not the childrens real mother can apply for something called a 'parental responsibility order'. A natural mother already has this (by giving birth).

The father of these children may also have a responsibility order! If he signed the birth register.
But he can also apply for this legally too.
Any adult (grandparent) etc with 'responsibility' for a child can authorise medical care and sign passport declarations, or apply for part residence etc.

I think you are worrying about far too many things which are really 'if's and buts' and events which may never happen.
Ultimately as I have said it's the feelings (and care) of the children that come uppermost

Answer 4

When they get married, if her husband agrees, they could jointly apply to adopt the twins. If they could get the birth mother to agree, then so much the better. This is a solution for the legal side of things.
As far as the personal relationship with the twins is concerned, I would advise her to talk openly about the fact that she is not their "original" mum, get her husband to talk about the birth mother too. Don't ever keep it a secret because, when it eventually comes out, and it will, it may cause all of the problems that you would expect. If they show the children old family photographs, which include their birth mother,they will grow up understanding their situation and she will never be the big mistery that the twins need to find out about at all costs. Don't run the birth mother down to the children because, after all, they have inherited her genes and they may resent it.
Believe me, when I say that I know what I am talking about, I met my wife when her son was 20 months old and this is exactly how we handled the situation. My son now has children of his own and he will tell you that I am his real Dad and he doesn't want or need to know about his birth father,

Answer 5

The biological mother COULD get custody but it's doubtfull -- the father is likely to win any custody case. She abandoned those kids and failed to support them. Father would have the added benefit of being in a stable marriage and having provided a nuturing home for the kids.You friend can not adopt them unless the bio-mom gives up her rights. She will have to be content with being a step-mom.

Also, it would look good for the courts in many areas (and of course be good for the kids) to put an emphasis on church-going and education.

Answer 6

we live and learn! leave her to it. it's sweet you're worried but life is for living after all. it doesn't look like the mother is going to come back and even if she does, it's not as easy as that. kids get more of a say now in which parent they want to stay with if there's a custody battle. but also, the courts will recognise that she abanoned them and your friend is their mother figure - yes, there's no blood relation but taking them away from their 'family' at such a young age could really unsettle them. they don't belong to her and others have suggsted adoption, but you need the mother's permission if she's still alive and her contact details are known. if she hasn't thought of the hurt she could experience, that's her fault for getting in too deep before thinking fully about it. i know it sounds hard, but allow her to make her own mistakes. if she's been through hell the past 7 years, she should think about the hurt even more! :) xx

Answer 7

.... you have not heard from her in some days? relating to the placement, i may well be nervous too. perhaps attempt calling her back .... or text cloth message her. only enable her comprehend you're a sprint nervous, and that one and all you have chose is for her to call you and enable you to nicely known she's very nicely. she would be ready to fill you in on the small print at a later date. i comprehend the sensation. a man or woman i comprehend left as a results of a pair different situations and that i've got not heard a peep out of her in months. She became under a ton of rigidity that's the reason i became so nervous. i've got stopped stressful. I discern, she's the two lifeless in a ditch someplace, or hates me now and it incredibly is the reason i've got not heard any information. She knows i became nervous, and nevertheless not something. So, it incredibly is what it incredibly is. desire your pal calls you. ?

Answer 8

I think you're a great friend by wanting to protect your friend like that so much. Why not suggest to her that she adopts the children legally that way everything is official and the mother can't take them away. She abandoned them once, so what kind of mother does that make her if she was only considering herself in the matter? I hope everything works out for them! :)

Answer 9

Does the father have sole custody of the kids, registered through the courts. If so, the mother can't take them away, and after she has married this guy she could legally adopt them as her girls.

Answer 10

Thecreality is that we all have to make our own decisions. However hard it is you cannot do so for your friend.
Just be sure that you are there giving support whatever happens.
The chances are that in deserting the children, the natural mother may not find it as easy as just turning up to take them away anyhow,