Check my grammar ( an article about my friend)?

Question

I wrote this article, if you guys want to kill the time, check it.

During my time at high school, I had a friend named Mark who was so smart that he always took the first place in every exam. However, Mark liked to show off and pretended that he put forth no efforts to get the first place. He always told us that he prepared not much before the exam, but we all knew that he always stayed up and studied all through the night for a couple of days before the exam. As I knew, almost students in the class secretly hated him because of his pride and conceitedness. Mark didn't know he became an eyesore until the day he showed off again after exam. A strong guy beat him and swore at him; at the same time, Mark screamed out for help, but all I saw is everyone on the scene hailed for joy and aggravated the situation. Anyway, this fight ended up in teacher's stop. Ever since then, Mark still did the way he liked, but he was ostracized by other classmates.

Answer 1

I am certainly no grammar expert but would recommend re-writing it with as follows;

While in high school I had a friend named Mark who was so smart that he placed first in every exam. However, Mark liked to show off and pretended these accomplishments were effortless. He always told us that he required little preparation before the exam however we all knew that he studied excessively for a couple of days prior to exams. I knew most students in the class secretly hated him because of his arrogance and conceitedness. Mark didn't know he became an eyesore until one day when he showed off after an exam. A strong guy beat him and swore at him while Mark screamed out for help, but all I saw was everyone present joyful and therefore aggravate the situation. Anyway, this fight ended up in teacher's stop. Ever since Mark continued to do as he pleased but he was ostracized by other classmates.


(sad story... I hope Mark has realized he is no better than his peers and that everyone is good at something; just as the "strong guy" was apparently good at fighting.)

Answer 2

Here's a copy of the article re-written to slightly change a few of the rougher parts.


During my time at high school, I had a friend named Mark who was so smart that he always took the first place in every exam. However, Mark liked to show off and pretended that he put forth no effort to get the first place. He always told us that he did not prepare much before the exam, but we all knew that he always stayed up and studied all through the night for a couple of days before the exam. As I knew, most students in the class secretly hated him because of his pride and conceitedness. Mark didn't know he became an eyesore until the day he showed off again after exam. A strong guy beat him and swore at him; at the same time, Mark screamed out for help, but everyone on the scene shouted for joy and aggravated the situation. Anyway, this fight ended up in teacher's stop. Ever since then, Mark still did what he wanted, but he was ostracized by other classmates.

Answer 3

Just a couple notes:
Change "prepared not much" to "did not prepare much"
Change "almost students" to "almost all of the students"
The word "eyesore" is used incorrectly. It does mean something unpleasant to look at, but is usually used to describe objects, not people. Try replacing "eyesore" with something like "object of scorn" or "outcast" or something that is used more often to describe people. Also, in the same sentence, the word exam needs the article "the" before it.
In the next sentence, "all I saw is everyone" should be "all I saw was everyone." Change "hailed" to "shouting" or a similar word. Hailed means praised. Change "aggravated" to "aggravating."
Change "did the way he liked" to "did as he liked."
That should do it. You have a few difficulties with tenses and the connotations of words --subtle shades of meaning--but your punctuation is excellent. Not many people can correctly use a semicolon. Good job.

Answer 4

the other posts say everything that I saw that needed to be corrected, except for one thing. You need to watch your tenses. When writing proper English you are not supposed to alter the tense.

An example of this is

Mark like to show off and pretended that he put forth no efforts to get the first place.

Here is one option

Mark liked to show off, pretending he put forth no effort to obtain the first place position.

Also, if you want your writing to sound a bit more "mature" (no offense intended), you need to alter you word order more, invert the subject and predicate.