how can i convince my boyfriend to marry me?

Question

going out 3 years,just bought a house together &v much in love.problem is he has no interest n marriage,doesnt agree with it,both from catholic backgrounds and I dont want kids until im married. and he wants kids too but not a wedding/marriage. both 29years old. he says if i can convince him that marriage is a good thing he will listen,he thinks its rubbish,father handing daughter over at the alter leads back to times when it was a symbol of passing the daugher being the dads property and handing her over to the husband to be, he also thinks buying a hse together is as binding as marriage. feel like im up against a brick wall here,any ideas? what really is a catholic marriage about?maybe i am a real traditionalist and want the whole big fairytale wedding but i just feel marriage is a commitment to each other for life. any ideas

Answer 1

aside from any religious aspects there may be for you in marriage, there are LEGAL aspects to consider as well. Rights of Survivorship fall from one spouse to another in the event of death. As his wife you would be entitled to clear title to your house, and other property. You have rights as a wife to make medical decisions for him if he is unable (remember the Terri Shivo case?) If you are unmarried his parents or the courts make decisions about him and all his property goes into probate court if he dies.

Sounds like he just doesn't want to commit right now. Why buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? You share a home and a bed with him now. You cook and clean for him. In his mind how would any of this change if you get married. In reality, it won't. The behind-the-scenes stuff he doesn't care about (the things I listed above) will go unnoticed for him.

You need to REALLY think hard about the direction you are going in your life. If marriage is important to you then you need to find another man. Have the courage to walk away if he is not giving you what you need and deserve. It has been 3 years.

Dr. Phil just did a show earlier this week about a woman who was trying to make her boyfriend propose...but he didn't want to yet. Dr. Phil's advice was really good. You should go to his website: http://www.drphil.com and find that show. If you click on show archives you can see a slideshow of all of his episodes.

Realize that this man is not fulfiling one of your most important needs. You need the commitment of marriage and you want children in the future. You need the contract of marriage to protect you and your future children. AND you need a man who has the same goals and priorities that you have.

Don't try to force him to marry you. Think about it. Would you want to me married to a man who resents the fact that he is married? That is not the foundation of a good marriage.

Answer 2

Having a hard time understanding why any woman would want to be married to a man who had to be "convinced" to marry her.
Have more self respect than that...you know what you want in life, find a guy with the same future goals. I'm not saying your man may never come around but if you're wanting something now, he isn't willing to give, then maybe its time to find a fella with the same goals and belief structure. Because convincing someone to marry you may lead to resentment later on down the road. Which could be disastrous in the long run.

Answer 3

There's nothing you can do to convince him if he doesn't want to get married. One part of having a serious relationship is discussing your goals, dreams, and future of the relationship with each other. If you two can't agree, that's a good sign that you should move on. Plus, there is no set time in a relationship of when you should get married. My husband and I dated for 7 years before we got married. If you go to church often, I would suggest talking about this with a priest you are close to.

Answer 4

Sounds like his mind is already made up. If you don't want the same things in life be glad you haven't married him yet. Better to find out now than to wait. Sounds like he has everything he wants, why should he marry you? Why buy the cow when you get the milk free kind of thing. I bet if you left he would rethink what is going on. I dated a guy for three years and was really in love with him. I wanted him to marry me, but finally I got tired of waiting and I dumped him. Find someone that wants the same thing as you. There are plenty of men out there to choose from. You just have to find him.

Answer 5

I wouldn't want a husband that I had to "convince" to marry me. I'd move on! Have you known his views on marriage all along? If so, you probably thought you could change his mind but you can't count on being able to do that. If your views about marriage are just as strong as his, then one of you is going to have to give in to the other if you plan on staying together. If it were me, I'd have him refinance the house in his name and GET OUT!!! You still have time to find a man that will honor the relationship by marrying you. It's not about trading property. It's about a lifetime commitment to your spouse. I don't think it says anything in the vows about trading property.

Answer 6

It's good not to force the hand, this usually doesn't end well and he will hold that up to you forever. Stick to your guns, this is what you want and if he doesn't want to lose you, he will see that. I don't want to tell you what to do, but sometimes men do tend to take us for granted as do women to me. Don't nag him about it, sit down and talk about what is important to you and your future children. A child needs married parents. I am also a bit old fashions. He should consentrate on the positive, because the negative could come whether you are married or not.
I wish you the best.

Answer 7

You shouldn't.

When he is ready for marraige, he will want it. Hopefully, it will be when you're with him.

See, guys and girls are different. Girls tend to want to settle down when they find a guy they think is right.
Guys, however, settle down at a time in their life...some earlier than others. You could be the most amazing woman ever, and if he's just not ready, you have to wait (and stick around) until he is.

If you're willing to do that, do so. If not, and marraige is what you want and need sooner than you can wait for, you need to move on.

He seems to have moral problems with it too....don't worry about it. Those ideas about the symbology are a bunch of excuses, seeing as he must know all of them are 100% optional, and many couples forgo a wedding entirely. It's about commiting to you forever, and he's just not okay with that idea yet.

Answer 8

My husband sounded alot like your b/f. We moved in together for over a year...after awhile I wanted a true commitment! Heck,yeah I wanted marriage. I got the same story as you.."its just a piece of paper"...yata yata.. or What will change after we're married...I always felt a lack of security with just living together. .. so I like you had to do some convincing myself. I never wanted the whole church wedding scene (im catholic also) so.. I came up with a plan I thought that we both would like. Getting married in HAWAII! When I suggested that..he was all for it. I do have to tell you though.. he never believed in the whole "man on one knee bit" or "asking my dad's permission"..and since it seemed so customary that everyone was doing it I thought what the heck is wrong with you??...Just ask! I gave in..and he never did...and, I'm still talking about it 6 years later..and what i can tell you that I've learned from that time..is HE TRULY DID NOT WANT TO COMMIT! and, since then I've seen it in other actions or issues that have come up..IF you start being the one that pushes for everything now...IT WILL never stop! I had to push to buy a house, push for him to go to school..push push push.. anyway..just think really hard before just settling on what he wants. Make yourself happy.

Answer 9

Hmmm gonna be honest, when I saw the title of this thread, I was like oh dear!! You dont want to convince someone to marry you, they should want to do it because they want to! When you ask him and he says you are immature it sounds like hes putting the blame onto you rather than accept that he doesnt want to. You both really need to be honest with each other. Im guessing hes just shrugging the idea off and getting defensive when questioned all the time about it.

Answer 10

Never expect to be able to change a man unless he is in diapers............

Honey I wanted commitment from my man after dating for 2 years. I never felt like I had a secure "home" and I felt like he could "kick me out at anytime". He finally married me (because he was pressured to he says) and still tells me to leave when we get into fights. Unfortunately I think this marriage might end in divorce, but you don't have to go through what I have if you THINK about what you are doing first. Do you want to be his mother or his wife?! Don't push him to do something he doesn't really want to do, but don't wait around handing out free stuff WAITING on him to change his mind either!!!!!