Gay man questioning...?

Question

I am a gay man and I love my partner we have been together for 7 years. The thing is we are both very masculine and refuse to be effeminate. We take ourselves seriously and professionally. I would love to show off the love of my life but I don't which leads to alot of unsaid moments and bittersweet memories. So, why is it that even with a squeeky clean facade we are seen as vulgar and disgusting?

Thank you for all your answers so far I actually really appreciate them. 1/6/07 10:49 am

Today is actually our anniversary so it's 8 years now.

Answer 1

I'm sorry to say, you are going to run into sick disgusting homophobes (like a couple above) no matter how your act. The main thing is to act however you feel comfortable and natural. You need not put on a big 'Butch' act to satisfy the bigots. But you also need not ram your relationship down the throat of those who are uncomfortable with it. Just be honest and you will find the vast majority of strangers and friends as well as family will accept your relationship. Accept them into your life and they will accept you into theirs.
My partner Ron and I just celebrated out 27th anniversary. We have always kept our families in our life by holding combined family gatherings. Now we are planning to get married this year. (We are Canadians) We have mentioned our plans to family members and were amazed at their positive reaction. What we thought would be a small private ceremony is turning into a family and friends celebration with about 50 or so attending.
Ron's brother will be his best man and I am proud to say that my eldest son wants to be my best man. (By the way, later this month Ron will turn 69 and I will be 77)
So just be yourselves and be proud of your love for each other. You need not hide that love from those who love and respect you.

Answer 2

I am in a similar position. I have found what you have to do is get over the phobia you both have that being intimate with another man is either disgusting or somehow effeminate. It doesn't make you any less masculine to be able to display your love. Take small steps from buying a bunch of flowers for no particular reason to just giving your partner a kiss, just because you can. The most meaningful affection is the spontaneous. Therefore when the mood takes you act on it. Soon it will be intergrated into your daily life and you will find the barriers coming down, between you.

The main thing is don't try and not be effeminate in order to prove yourself more masculine, just be who you feel comfortable being and that in turn will make your partner feel more comfortable! Good luck, it is well worth the effort!

Answer 3

First of all, stop taking yourself so seriously. Give yourself permission to be playful, spirited and silly if the mood so strikes you. Taking yourself too seriously, taking life too seriously, is a good way to raise your blood pressure.

It sounds like there is some internalized homophobia at work here. Is it vulgar or disgusting for you to give your mate an affectionate hug or a kiss (socially apprpriate, not slobbery) in public? If that is the way that you feel, then it sounds like you have adopted some of the stereotypes of gay people into your thinking.

It would be wise (and healthy) for you to try to purge that.

There is no reason to believe that you have to be effeminate if you are a gay man. YOU define you.

Answer 4

Hi Bronx,
Congrats on the 7 years.... my partner and I have been together for 13. We, too, are both masculine... not like we both stand around talking about sports all of the time, but you know what I mean.
The answer to your question is in your question.... The only way to change the opinions of those that would consider us "vulgar & disgusting", is to let them see us... Drop the facade, and be seen as "normal" people... who just happen to be 2 guys. We still go to the grocery store, pay our bills, have friends over, and take out the trash... just like "normal" people. The activities that go on in your bedroom would not be a topic for conversation. When Aunt Tillie come over she does not give the play-by-play on whats going on in hers, so why would we? Thanks for the excellent question.....

Answer 5

I think it might be your own perception. You seem to have a great deal of self hate for the appearance of homosexuality. Homosexuality, as anything else, is not about what is on the outside but what is one the inside.

I think you need to explore why it is that you care what anyone else thinks. If this is your partner, and your soul mate, then why would you ever be ashamed to be seen side by side with him?

I do realize its harder for men than women to be open about their partners in most societies, but if you don't come from a strong front, people are going to smell your own self disgust. That's what you need to get some help with.

Answer 6

Congrats to the two of you.
Wish I could say the same.
Never got passed 6 years ever.
Seen as vulgar?
Not by me in anyway.
Ignore bigots and not understanding people that you love each other.
Keep on living your life as you please.
You will offend no body with it:only the narrow minded ones.
Who gives a toss what they think or say?
Not me ,never.
Good on you,go for no9.
greetings:Rob.xxx

Answer 7

You can both be butch and still have a great relationship. The people who think of you as vulgar or disgusting are nothings and nobodies whose opinion means zilch, and most of them are just acting that way to deflect others from their own gay fantasies or tendencies.

Answer 8

Simple your queer, you have something wrong with you, its disgusting what you do, man and woman were created to be together and have children and to keep humanity going, as well as there are two of every other animal, man sticking his old fella up another man is sick and you are a vulgar and disgusting, how dare you even suggest that its normal to do that, you know its wrong you just dont want to admit it! its perverse and your sick.

Answer 9

hmm.. try to go for a gal ok := ) no offence.