Please someone make me laugh?

Question

I am soo sick and soo medicated right now, I can't sleep cuz my pills have me flying high... Can someone make me laugh :P Then when I went to submit my question, yahoo suggested I file it under mental health! Are you kidding me, im not as think as you crazy I am. I think this is more of a current even personally.

Answer 1

A few philosophical thoughts to cheer you up.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
> 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
>3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch
>the second person.
>
> 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a
>tomato.
> 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
> 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
> 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
> 8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
> 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
> 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
>
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
> 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
> 2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
> 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
> 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
>5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6)
>Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
>toy.
>
>
>
> GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
> 1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
> 2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
>3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're
>down there. 4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation
>from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. 5)
>It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
>ask you the questions. 6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a
>lousy beautician.
> 7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
>
>
> THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
>
> 1) You believe in Santa Claus.
> 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
> 3) You are Santa Claus.
> 4) You look like Santa Claus.
>
>
>
> SUCCESS:
>
> At age 4 success is . . not peeing in your pants.
> At age 12 success is . having friends.
> At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 35 success is . having money.
> At age 50 success is . . . having money.
> At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
> At age 75 success is . having friends.
> At age 80 success is . not peeing in your pants.
>
> Smile -- and the world will wonder what you are up to!

Answer 2

Since you are sick, how about the Top Ten Good Things About Having the Flu from David Letterman

10. Sister Act 2 is actually entertaining when viewed with a high fever.
9. If you ask politely, the mailman will smear Vicks VapoRub on your chest.
8. You can use your forehead to warm dinner rolls.
7. If you’re an actor, and you’re playing a guy who sneezes a lot, say hello to an Oscar.
6. Sometimes, it’s just nice to be clammy.
5. Little-known fact: If you stuff a glove with used Kleenex, it’s start moving and talking just like that “Hamburger Helper” guy.
4. Chicks dig phlegm.
3. Sickness can give a brief respite from the tedious cycle of travel and watermelon smashing (applies to Gallagher only).
2. When your temperature hits 108, you can bring the thermometer to radio station Kiss 108 and get a free Kiss 108 bumper sticker.
1. Two words: Contac Coladas

Get well soon.

Answer 3

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:

"Bring to me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You're fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who you r talking to, you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

Answer 4

[ :-) ]

[ :-D ]

[ Tickle, tickle... ]

[ ;-) ]

[ Tickle, tickle, tickle... ]

[ ;-? ]

"Where is that tummy?"

"Show me that tummy..."

[ Tickle, tickle... ]

[ ;-) ]

[ Tickle, tickle, tickle... ]

[ Aaabbbhhhrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm on your tummy... ]

[ Aaabbbhhhrrrrrrrrrrrmmmm on your tummy... ]

---------------- X% <- cut

OK now for some jokes that you might like...

**
Wife: Honey: What are You Looking for in that paper ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??

Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

**
A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ***.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I could kiss his ***!”

“So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins.”

**
Captain Kirk: "Very funny scotty... Now beam down my clothes!"

---------------- X% <- cut

[ %-? ]

< bye bye >

Answer 5

I read a dear abby letter years ago about a woman who put her husband through med school and he becane a doctor who eventually left her. Not for someone younger and cuter but someone who was short, bald, and overweight. She signed it "It only hurts when I laugh"

Answer 6

I can bet you are intelligent and sensible. You made me laugh on Yahoo suggestion. Look at me and smile.

Answer 7

Sorry to hear you're down. My attempt to make you laugh will be a joke.

A mushroom walks into a bar and has a seat.
He bartendar says "Hey, you can't sit there."
The mushroom says "Why not? I'm a fungai."


I don't know why that one always cracks me up. I'm simple.

Answer 8

well, sorry your sick, can't think of anything to make you laugh....I am getting over the flu and have really bad cramps right now, if that makes you feel better someone else is sitting here not feeling so spiffy also........get well soon :)

Answer 9

My life is based on a true story.

I can steal the milk out your coffee.

Answer 10

what's squishy and red all over?








baby and a baseball bat


Oh, that's so wrong isn't it? Yeah you're probably right. OK, well I'll see ya after your abortion, have fun!