Dim Ashes of the Flame
What time is spent pondering here
How death can be so very near
When life is almost unclear
What essence of my soul I must have lost
Now that I seem frozen covered in frost
May I stop dying now and go on
Out into a world of dust
So I shale let go
Of these dim ashes of the flame
That used to make my body glow
With that thing that belonged in my soul
That now my heart shale weep
And my body reap
Of the last bit of life I keep
What life I have spent on you
You the ones I love so dearly too
And now why must I choose
To leave life so far behind
I need a miracle that’s what I’ve said
A miracle so I don’t cast out to the dead
Give me the miracle I need
And you may not see me bleed
Bleed of sorrow for the morrow
Bleed from deep within this life I’ve borrowed
Bleed so far into the burrow
That this so called life has sewn
May I be lost to the world
To the pain and the sorrow
But not to those for whom I hold this love
I want to be a part of life
Weaved through time
2007-01-05 18:50:42 · 10 answers · asked by Bedam 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Other - Society & Culture
Its about suicide
2007-01-05 18:51:48 · update #1
This isn't a question about suicide, it's a question about a miracle, I need a real reason to live, something that will keep me from hurting so much, I have no one to talk about this to... why else would I post it on the internet to random people! does this make any sense to any of you. I am on the brink of tipping the bar to the other side, because the hurt is starting to over weigh the joy of life. need a miracle here probably waisting my time!
2007-01-05 19:05:52 · update #2
Why I want to end my life: Because I always screw up friendships, and I loose people over and over again, I keep wishing I had a different family, even though I don't want to wish that. Because people mean everything to me, I don't mean anything to them, and I can't continue giving and giving until there is nothing left to give because all I want to do is give, but I just don't have enough, yet I have way too much, I'm seriously confused, hurt because the ones I care about the most always end up leaving me. I've always felt like I have infinite love for everyone overflowing out of my heart, and now it seems like it'll never stop leaving me emptying into a bottomless lake. I just wish I didn't hurt so very much, but my pain is unbearable.
2007-01-05 19:21:32 · update #3
Although it is a cry for help and deep sorrow, your poem is impressive. You have really expressed your feelings profoundly.
I would not leave this earth with a talent like that but I would not leave this world if all I could do is see the miracle of a blade of grass. You are in a deep pit of depression from which you cannot see the light of hope but it is there. It is in the people who love you, it is in what you can do to be a part of life and it does take time to weave your way through it. You will have the valleys that you are in but you will climb some mountains to and they are joyous mountains. We are not promised only success and freedom from pain in this life or fairness but we can only take what we have and do our best for others. There are people in your future who need and want you. There are circumstances that will turn out right because you are here. Look up to the stars even if you have to imagine them. Aren't they beautiful. They shine upon you because you have been created special and one of a kind. Love yourself. God bless you.
2007-01-05 19:03:44 · answer #1 · answered by StarGalactica 2 · 2⤊ 3⤋
(I'm saying this first part because I feel morally obligated to.) Suicide is never the option. If you feel as though you want to kill yourself, you should tell someone immediately.
Now, to the poem. You have a good conceit here, in the contrast between flame and cold. However, the form of the poem doesn't lend itself to your purpose very well. The rhyme scheme is distracting; ask yourself: does it serve a specific function? If it doesn't, throw it out. It's too singsong for such a sad theme.
My suggestion is to stick to the conceit you originally started with, the title of the poem. Give us an IMAGE of the feeling you want to give--a flame burning down to embers, surrounded by ash and cold. Allow us, through your word choices, to feel the speaker's desire to see that last little ember wink out, and the simultaneous fear of the cold that will happen when it does. The end of the poem, the exposition of suicidal feelings, don't do anything. What you want to do is cause the reader to FEEL the despair the speaker feels, not just tell the reader how sad the speaker is. Get it? Good luck on revising, it's the best part of writing!
2007-01-05 19:05:42 · answer #2 · answered by N 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I have no problem with reading my poetry out loud and used to have poetry readings for a long time. I prefer to read my work,as I put the meaning and the depth of the piece into my voice. It doesn't matter if you have a deep voice. My voice was deep also.. that can only benefit you if you use it to direct out certain words in your piece. Try reading to yourself until you find the right tone, in which to express in. Dana
2016-05-22 22:15:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you really didn't need to write that it's about suicide. anyone that doesn't know that didn't read it.
that said, you switch rhyming patterns, which doesn't sound great.
don't kill yourself about it or anything, it's just criticism.
also, poetry doesn't have to rhyme. do what i like to do, use only a certain number of sylables per line, perhaps even rhyme that
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wow, the first answerer pointed out something! (i only read the fifth and fourth line from the bottom, and skipped the rest of it) - but yea, work on your spelling, and switch some words around so that things make sense.
example: where you wrote "...lled life has sewn" - proper spelling of the word with that meaning is "sowed"
2007-01-05 18:55:52 · answer #4 · answered by Jim 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's not bad, as someone else said, changing up the rhyming patterns is not good. Fix that and the spelling (shale should be shall) and maybe strengthen up the end and it will be a good poem.
2007-01-05 19:05:37 · answer #5 · answered by DishclothDiaries 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
If that is a reflection of your soul, I'm sorry and scared for you. You are depressed and should seek help. Seriously. Make contact with people who can help. God also listens to your prayers. Prayer is just talking to God about anything that's on your mind. I'll pray for you.
2007-01-05 19:03:53 · answer #6 · answered by Infidel 3 · 1⤊ 3⤋
It's mediocre, it has spelling/grammatical errors, and it doesn't make sense. Sorry, but it's not good.
I don't know what your asking though.
2007-01-05 18:54:54 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
great poem i like it! very deep i hope its just a poem and not your intentions, because life is far more precious than taking it.
i would like to see you write more about the bright side of life! good luck
2007-01-05 18:56:30 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
deep thoughts....well put.....I'm looking for a miracle too...here's to the little miracles that strengthen our patience as we wait......
2007-01-05 19:04:49 · answer #9 · answered by paradigm 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
This poem scares me that you are thinking about suicide. Please get help! Go to an emergency room right away!
2007-01-05 19:04:39 · answer #10 · answered by drshorty 7 · 2⤊ 2⤋