49 yo fiancee hasn't had much sex in 6 years. Has erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation IF he does. Won't try testosterone, Viagra, or quit/decrease smoking. Doesn't want to engage in heavy petting, oral sex, mutual masterbation or anything. Only minimally affectionate in other ways. Sounds terrible, but is a really great guy in so many other important ways.
Anyone have a platonic marriage that works? I may be 50 but I enjoy lovemaking in all its caring forms and also could go for just a good f--k fairly often too ... sure hate to give it up ... this guy has so much else going for him, it is a tough ?, I do not want to just focus on sex, older couples get to the point they don't really want to do much after many years but geez starting out that way is tough ... any thoughts?
2007-01-05 17:12:28 · 22 answers · asked by Princess Fallopia 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I really have to be hard on you for this one. You honestly believe that a non-sexual AND non - affectionate AND non-compromising man is a good candidate for marriage. Since when ?
You are willing to sleep alone with somebody next to you for the rest of your life because his good qualities will your voids ? Nonsense.
If you go thru with this- and i really hope that you don't- you are in effect setting yourself up to breaking your marriage vows out of sheer biological necessity. Realistically you can't do that.
As far as that nonsense about elderly couples devolving into a nonsexual relationship . That happens after people have had sex with each other a couple of thousand times and in couple of hundred different ways
But nobody starts out like that -do they ?
I'm 53 and i am by no means ready to give it up nor should I and .nor should you
2007-01-05 17:56:03 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
Well, it's tough if he himself doesn't see it as a problem, or is not willing to address it. My own marriage is fairly "platonic", and we're a young couple (early to mid 30s, only been together for 2 years); my husband doesn't have any sexual dysfunctions (as far as I know), but he has never been very interested in/motivated by sex. I have a lot more relationship experience than he does, but I too have a low sex drive, so it works out for us. Ours has never been a "passionate" relationship, but we are very compatible, and we really enjoy our marriage and our life together; I've never been able to sustain a very sexually-oriented relationship with anyone for long (I'd just lose interest eventually), so I figured I wasn't giving up much here. I don't really know what advice to give - but being that you're going into it with your eyes open, and realize the pros and the cons of the decision, you will probably decide wisely. For myself, I feel that we always have to give up *something* to gain something else, so the question is in the balance of what is it we're giving up and what is it that we're gaining. Good luck.
2007-01-05 17:40:31 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not understanding, if he knows he has these things, so obviously been to the doc, that he doesn't want to do anything about it? I would think that he would want to think of you, and what means something to you and to your relationship. To not want it ever or rarely, etc in a relatively new relationship with thoughts of marriage in the future? I would say that isn't a good sign at all. You don't even have any kids or "distractions" involved? I am wondering just what is going on here? I think the two of you need to have a heart to heart talk. You can't start out with a strong sex drive, and no a relationship isn't totally based on that, but it is an essential, healthy part of one. So you can't be on one end and him on the other about it. It's not going to be for a longlasting situation. I will keep you in my thoughts, and hope nothing but the best for you and fiancee!
2007-01-05 17:23:49 · answer #3 · answered by Laurie S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You sound like a healthy and vibrant 49 year old, you enjoy sex. You can't marry a man that will make no effort to give you some of the pleasure you seek. This man will drain you or you will cheat and feel guilty. Or if you can cheat and not feel guilty since he's so GREAT in so many ways..maybe that's an option.
Don't let anyone tell you sex isn't important they would never tell him this if you were frigid!!!
2007-01-05 17:23:28 · answer #4 · answered by Sweetgirl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, I have a thought: move on.
Sex and physical intimacy is obviously very important to you. Don't stifle that. If you get into a committed relationship with this guy, your going to resent the fact that he doesn't like to do what you like to do. Period.
So what if he's great in other ways; he's not great in a very important way for you. Stop diminishing that important facet of your relationship.
Sure, there are platonic relationships out there that work. But, why would you want to enter into one as long as you have the choice and it wouldn't work for you?
At your age, it's no time to consider "settling" unless you can make a very big change in your own needs. And, I don't read that in your statement.
"So sorry. It's been great. You're a swell guy. But, you're just not for me. Buh-bye."
2007-01-05 17:21:00 · answer #5 · answered by SafetyDancer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually marriage is when the sex life is bad, but BEFORE!!??
Most (sure they're exceptions...but none that i've met!) guys under 60 concentrate on sex. I think he does but is EMBARASSED because of his problems. Quiting smoking would help (not jsut his sex life either, it will help him in everything) and taking a pill (ask your doctor, don't just go online) is common nowadays. Why don't you say, "I know you don't care...but I do want some action." [you don't have to say it word for word...but the message should be he should do it for you--in the end he'll be more than satisfied as well].
If he loves you he should make this **sacrifice**{in quotes because sex is anything BUT a sacrifice}.
Don't give up on him, and you shouldn't give up on YOUR sex life either.
If he has trouble getting *up* then you may want to consider changing it up (role play, langerie, porn???)
2007-01-05 17:20:10 · answer #6 · answered by thank you come again 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sex is a necessary component of a solid relationship. Platonic is nice, but you are right, once in a while you need a good "Tie me Up! Tie me Down!"
2007-01-05 17:20:04 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow..thats a difficult one. My only addition to what everyone else has to say is that I have a husband who has spinal damage and is handicap. We have an open relationship so we can remain together but also so my needs can be met. Is having an open relationship an option in your relationship?
2007-01-05 17:16:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
You can't fix something that doesn't want to be fixed. I have same problem as you. Hubby just wacks off when I am not around or goes on porn sites when I am not around. He thinks I don't know but I do. Nothing from him but a great guy. What do I do??? Take out my dildo. Gets boring.
2007-01-05 17:16:34 · answer #9 · answered by Weasel Girl 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I think this is better dealt with by talking to him, let him know how you feel about sex and then try to find out why he doesnt enjoy sex .. Also see if you can get him to go to a sex therapist and you go as well as a couple. this may get to the center of the problem if he doenst want to talk it out with you..
2007-01-05 17:15:48 · answer #10 · answered by Amazing_clarity 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋