I am getting to the point after 9 months with him... check this out... I just met his 9 year old daughter, she thinks we are just friends... my boyfriend lives with my 5 year old and I, and I am going through a divorce as well, but I AM GOING THROUGH THE DIVORCE. My boyfriend has been separated for 1 1/2 years. When I mention getting a divorce from her he says I am going over the line.
We are both in recovery from alcohol and drugs, doing great, and I want to marry this man. He is wonderful, and I want to continue my life with him. What do I do? He is very honest with me with her.. .well recently I think. He usually goes in the bedroom to call his daughter each night, so I assume he is talking to his wife and doesn't want to upset me. He bought me beautiful jewelry for XMAS and we are really help each other... and I truly truly am in love with him. We argue, get along great, and I can't stand being apart from him. 10 months going strong. What do I do about this divorce
2007-01-05 16:20:24 · 17 answers · asked by Steves Gal 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
The first impression I receive is that he may not be ready for it. He probably feels the pressure of looking at another serious relationship, meaning marriage. And be honest here, sounds like it might be the first thing that comes out of your mouth the moment his papers are signed. That is probably alot for a recovering substance abuser to face. give him a break.
As far as his conversations go, He is co-parenting. The better we communicate with our X the healthier the child!
2007-01-05 16:29:53 · answer #1 · answered by Jen 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, such chaos in both families. There is nothing you can do to try and get him divorced from his "wife". Legally, he is still married to her, while living with you. It is so sad that both of you are causing so much pain for the children.
You are going through a divorce, just think what it is doing to your 5 year old who has not father figure around anymore, then comes along this boyfriend who is "shacking up" with you and who is also comitting adultery because he is still married to his wife.
Now on his part, you have him living with you and your son, who happens to have a 9 year old daughter who is going through some drama by him getting involved with another woman while he is still married to her mother. Don't you think you both have caused enough damage for the children already?
My point is, he is still legally married. He doesn't want to get a divorce because he still has feelings for his wife, otherwise he would have gotten a divorce a long, long, time ago. He uses flattering words because he has a place to go, your place. You say you get along great, then what is with the arguing?
Even though you have feelings for this guy, you should have waited in getting involved with him until after he has gotten a divorce from his "wife". You shouldn't have had him in your home even, until you have raised your son. Your son doesn't need any more chaos, what he needs is a mother who will give him the undivided attention 24/7 every day, and who is willing to raise him rather than putting your attention on another man who happens to be a stranger, actually he is still a married man!
My answer is, you can't do anything about his divorce, only he can. You've only known him 9 months.
I really hope he gets back with his wife to raise his daughter so she can have both father and mother in her life.
2007-01-05 16:46:09 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he have the money to pay for a divorce? Has he ever mentioned marriage to you? Is his wife involved with anyone else and does she know about you? Sounds to me like he has some unresolved issues and isn't ready or doesn't want to get a divorce. I hope that, if that is the case, and he is trying to get back with the wife, it won't send you back over the edge. He can buy you all the jewelry in the world, but what you want is his heart. If he can't/won't give that to you, it's up to you to decide if you want to continue wasting your time waiting to see what he will do. I'm wondering why neither he nor his wife has pursued a divorce. If his daughter thinks that you and her dad are just friends, she had to have gotten that impression from somewhere. I'm not sure why he would accuse you of going over the line when you mention a divorce, unless he isn't ready for another marriage. Have you ever sat down and asked him what he wants in life? Where did you meet him? Was it in recovery? If so, you may be a crutch to him. If that is what you are to him, you need to love him enough to leave him and make a good life for yourself and your child. You don't need to come in second, and your child doesn't need to see you accepting crumbs.
2007-01-05 16:33:41 · answer #3 · answered by lucy7 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, if he's with you and things seem good.. I say leave it for now. But, maybe he's hoping him and his wife will get back together in the future? Or maybe he just isn't ready to start the process of divorce. Or doesn't have the money or the sources? I think he SHOULD talk to you about it. At least tell you why he isn't getting a divorce.
2007-01-05 16:23:52 · answer #4 · answered by ~*Isabel*~ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may not like me for this because I sense that you want a cheerleader instead of real advise, but at the risk of everything, here goes; Stop bothering him about getting a divorce, and prepare yourself and your child for the possibility that this man may not be around forever (sorry). The fact of the matter is that he's not ready to make that step right now, and if you continue to push then you will push him away sooner.
2007-01-05 16:26:35 · answer #5 · answered by Heaven's Messenger 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't do anything about it. He is honest with you: he likes the things as they are now and has no intention of marrying you. If you can't accept it - why are you still around? Figure out what's important to you, and stick to it. If being with this man is what you want, then be realistic, and enjoy what you have without asking for more. If marriage is very important - then you will have to eventually face the fact that you will not get it with him, and look elsewhere.
2007-01-05 16:44:43 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First don't push it. A divorce is very hard and because you are ready doesn't mean he is. Second, I don't think its best to date a man who is not available.Yes he is separated, but he isn't divorced. He might still have the hope of returning to his ex. I would say that you should give him space. You explore around, let him think things through. If he wants to be with you, he'll come around. But don't wait. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
2007-01-05 16:27:30 · answer #7 · answered by beautifulinsideandoutinjc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he wont divorce her because he doesn't want too and u are right he isn't talking to his daughter in the bed room he is staying with u in till he finds out if he has a chance to go back or not if she makes up her mind he will to
2007-01-05 16:25:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
it sound like you need to let him know that this is not acceptable
for you and your daughter, you are not going over the line, he
has, he need to do the right thing by you. as long you let him
do this he will. if he getting a divorce then he need to do just
that are you need to let him go until he get his act together.
he has a daugter and you also have a child how does this look
for these children. it been time to get it together or time to
move on.
2007-01-05 16:25:34 · answer #9 · answered by luckystar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he feels there is no rush because he does not want to marry you and figures things are fine the way they are for now until he finds the woman he really wants to be with.
2007-01-05 16:46:26 · answer #10 · answered by xovenusxo 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋