I have a problem......HELP!!?

Question

My boyfriend and i have been dating for a year. I am a single mom, and live with my son and my sister who is 17 lives with us as well. My boyfriend lives in his parents house that he is taking care of while they are in Tonga doing missionary work. We had recently talked about moving in together, but his family is totally against it because we are not married. The problem is, i am divorced, and will not marry again unless i can live with that person to see if it will work. He has decided against us moving in and doesn't see why i am so upset that his parents have just made this decision for us, basically. We are 28 and 30 years old and i believe we are capable of making this decision on our own, but it is his parents place we would be moving in to, so do i keep quiet or let him know how upset i am about this??

Answer 1

yes let him know how u feel, but at some point we have to stop being afraid of new relationships, just because our past relationship turned bad. we have to make ourselves vulnerable sometimes, we have to reach out and just have faith in the one we love. and feel confident that the same thing won't happen to us. as we can't play the victim forever.

Answer 2

You can let him know how upset you are about this but if it is his parents house you would move into, they have a right to their opinion. I was divorced, then lived with my boyfriend before we got married. My parents were totally against it but because I was out and living on my own, they couldnt say anything. Maybe he should move in with you or you should both find your own place. If you have a kid and a sister living with you, its not a good idea to push to live in a home that they will only make difficult for you. It wouldnt be healthy for anyone. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 3

The kids of things that make living with a person unbearable should be evident before you live together if you are really looking for it. Petty things can be forgiven and ignored if you really love a person. What do you hope to learn about him by living with him that you haven't already learned about him? Do you think his personality will change? If you are worried about that, you really don't know him well enough to move in with him. I think the longer you date the better you know a person inside and out. If you don't know him that well you don't want to live with him, especially not with a child. Obviously you have specific concerns, likely from your previous marriage. Think back to before you married him, did you have signs of whatever went wrong before you married him? Did you jump in with both feet without knowing where you would land? Can you look for these same symptoms now to avoid making the same mistakes? If you don't know the answers to these questions, you're not paying enough attention. You don't have to live with a guy to know his flaws, you have to be perceptive and observe closely. I would never move in with a man with me children if I did not take a lot of time first to find out every little detail about him from the little fettishes to the big pet peeves. You might be capable of making decisions on your own, but the fact that you have divorced once already with a child says that you do not always make good ones. Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but divorce is always a result of bad decisions somewhere along the line.

Answer 4

Don't "keep it quiet", you have to work this out. His parents certainly have a say in what you two do if it involves you moving into THEIR house. The only way to do this is to get a place just for the two of you. His parents only made the decision that they don't want you moving into THEIR house, which they have the right to do. They will not have as much of a say if you two simply go out and get a place on your own.

Answer 5

The key word here is parents house. Their house, their rules.

This decision was not made for you. Your boyfriend is honoring his parents wishes and you should never try and come inbetween that relationship.

If you both decided to live together in another house, then that is your (wrong) choice to make, but it is your choice.

You need to hear this, so here it goes. Stop making everything about you and what you want and about who is getting in the way of what you want. Get a bit of the picture here?.

A relationship involves three at the minumum, You, your husband to be and God. Seems to me that you are trying to control all three. You are right about one thing, this relationship will not work out (living together or not) as long as you are the only one who matters.

Spend a bit of time reading the bible, its the book that his parents are basing their rules on. If for no other reason than to understand why they made the rules that they have made.

Marriage is not about living together and seeing if it works out, its about committment to making it work out. Until you learn this, no relationship will ever "work out".

Answer 6

I think what you are asking is very reasonable. If he is against living together before marriage, then that is his right to feel that way. You will have to wait until you are married or break up with him. If it is just his family, then your boyfriend is not sticking up for himself and sabotaging his own relationship.

Because it is his family's home, they do have a say if you live together in their house. If you live in your house or move with him to a new place his family has really no vote in the matter.

Answer 7

You will be divorced many more times over if you think for a single second that living together first before marriage is some how a good idea. You are also asking him to disrespect his parents religious beliefs, which means you are not a good person for him to marry. Just break up because its obvious that you are selfish and disrespectful.

Answer 8

If it is their parents house, they really it is their decision. If you two want to get your own place then do that. Just to let you know I was married 19 years and now I live with my b/f, it really is no different then a marriage except we love each other.

Answer 9

wow.

i think it is good to live with the person before you get married. most people divorce when they find they cant live together.

living together gives you an opportunity to experience the lifestyle. you can experience how you respond to certain stimuli. joint accounts, bills, and chores affect each person differently and you never know how he may turn out wwhen faced with those things.

I lived with my then boyfriend for over two years now and it helped us both mature in the real world and in our relationship. We moved into a two bedroom loft, there were two floors and two bathrooms, and we even slept in the same bed. The kicker of the whole thing was we didn't have sex. oh boy, as much as we wanted to, we abstained. because we live together, we want something to be new for us when we get married.

he actually proposed around Christmas. we're planning a summer/fall wedding in hawaii.

So you can still uphold the values of your boyfriend and even his family, though its none of their business, but most of all, you'll be prepared.

Answer 10

You should respect his parents wishes. It is a sin to live together without being married. If you don't trust him now than you will not trust him when you move in together. If you really and truly love this man than marry him. Not all men are alike, but who is to say how it would be living with you. If you have any doubt then get out now.....

Answer 11

You can't keep quiet. Tell him how you feel. But you are lucky to have a man who won't shack. Shacking causes problems. You can know him with TIME, not going against God's will and what statistics say may be a CAUSE of divorce. Take it easy honey. Things will work out great but you must exercise a lot more patience.