How to deal with a stepchild?

Question

I am remarried and now have a 9 year old stepdaughter. She lives in another state with her mother. when she visits she is constantly stuck to her father. If he sets down she has to be right on his lap. I feel bad for feeling this way. She is a wonderful little girl. She always draws him pictures and makes things for him. I sorda feel left out. My husband says I need to open the door up a little. Make her feel welcome. I feel distant and sometimes jealous. I would love some serious advise. No stupid answers.

I just want to add that shewas a infant when her parents split up.

I need to clarify a few things. Her mother left her father when she was a infant. She slept with his best friend, whom she now calls daddy. I am not the cause of her not being with her father.

Answer 1

While step-relationships can be difficult if you approach it with confidence things will be OK. Remember that your step-daughter lives away from her dad and misses him when they're not together so it's only natural for her to want his attention.Also,she's only 9 and little girls need to feel close to Daddy. Growing up with the proper guidence from her father will ensure that when she's an adult she will have the tools for the male-female relationships she's going to experience. Too many girls from broken familys grow up with issues surrounding relationships,men and sex. Some of these can lead to serious problems like addiction and battered wives syndrome. Try to keep in mind that as she grows the intensity of her visits will diminish and you will become part of the picture as well. Also remember that you are the girl your husband is in love with and it's you who recieves his affection on a regular basis. Be proud that he's such a wonderful guy that his little girl still loves him after the breakup of her parents. Prepair yourself to share this great guy with her and you and her will become fast friends because you have him in common.Be grown-up about this and whatever you do,don't compete with her for his attention when she's there. This will only drive her away from you and could possibly damage your marrage. Remember,blood is thicker than......anyway I hope this helps you. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

Well, I will give you my opinion as a stepdaughter. Don't be upset with her because the little girl wants to spend time with her daddy when she visits. Especially if she lives in another state, let her enjoy her time with her dad. I'm sure she is not intentionally "leaving you out", she will eventually come around. The worse thing for you to do at this point is interfere with their relationship, trust me- I have been there! If you try to change their time together, or "sabotage" their time, she will grow to hate you. Let her enjoy her visits, be her friend and she will start to open up to you. And DO NOT let her know that you feel jealous. There really should be no reason for you to be jealous. Remember, you are his wife....that is his daughter. There is, and will always be a special bond between a father and daughter.......
Best of Luck! :)

Answer 3

It is OK, you are not a bad person, it is normal, it just shows you love your husband alot! I have 3 stepchildren and went throught the same thing for a while!
Just do your best, but whatever you do don't let it get between you and your husband, and do not let her know you feel like that.
Sure she needs time with him as she must miss him alot, suggest to your hubbie to give you a devoted time at another time in the week especially if she consumes your weekends which is when you see him most ( that is usually the crux of the problem!) Also take time to get to know her better, maybe go out as a family to 10 pin bowling or something where you can both spend time with him as well as going and doing something with her yourself...Focus on his birthday and fathers day with her and other special days and get her on your side too. She is probably thinking the same thing as you, that you have come in and are you going to take my dad away from me too?
So think of some ways to make the weekends fun for all of you. This way you will also take your focus off your feelings about it all.
Time helps believe me... Good luck

Answer 4

I think he is right. You must open up the door, and make her feel welcome to you as well as your home. I have 3 step-kids, and the two boys live with me and their father, and the daughter lives in another state (not too far away though), but the only difference is she clings to me when she is here. But when he goes and plays video games with the boys, I get way jealous! But then again, I have to just keep telling myself that they are the kids, and they come first. Make time to hang out with her one on one for a couple of hours while she is there, plan a girls only outing, and get to know her better. I think the only reason she is that way is because you feel distant so you make yourself distant to her. Bond, cherish the time you have to spend together and soon she will come around and not be stuck to her dads hip. She will be stuck to the both of you, and she will never want you to leave her sight!! It will be alright, just give it time, and she will come around.

Answer 5

This girl needs the attention from her father. SHE DOES NOT LIVE IN ANOTHER STATE, SHE LIVES IN TWO STATES. Your home is her home. Schedule some alone time with her, so you can get to know her better.
She probably feels a little confused about having two moms, so let her know she can call you by your first name, it establishes a feeling of friendship. She also may feel lonely and left out, because her friends have their dads at home to play with and love so much of the time, but she only sees her dad a fraction of the time.
Don't expect mom status all at once. Let your relationship be more like sisterhood or friendship. This will make the girl feel more relaxed and comfortable.

Answer 6

This is the time to make a friend for life with the daughter. Don't come between the father and daughter while she's in your house, the long term affect will be detremental to you and your relationship with the father. Its just a little girl that only sees her father during "visitation", you're an adult female.
Try to slowly get involved with her with the things she likes or would like to do. Ask, find out, and then invite her to do things she likes. Don't push, start by asking her opinion on things - never hurts to ask.

Answer 7

How previous is he? I surely have plenty to assert, so this could probable be long! I surely have a 4 3 hundred and sixty 5 days previous son on the autism spectrum (pdd-nos). I surely have merely at present been experiencing some very intense meltdowns with him. I thoroughly understand what you experience and working with. it form of sounds like each and every thing is a capability war with him. From the sounds of it, and that i attempt to no longer choose, his mom would not have a stable ordinary with him and isn't any longer attempting to instruct him stable hygiene. So i can work out why it is a undertaking while he's with you. could it is conceivable for the three of you to social gathering and talk this and take a examine out to return up with a ordinary for him which you're able to all stick to? i understand all to properly what happens while their workouts are disturbed! As for the tantrums in shops, i understand all approximately those too. I surely have been instructed via therapists to on the instant take him to the vehicle while this happens. i do no longer try this nonetheless because of the fact frequently the reason of the tantrum is that he needs to go away. additionally, does he bypass to scientific care? if so i could confer with the therapist approximately this. If no longer, it is something to think approximately. i'm sorry i don't have a great number of advice, as i'm attempting to discern this out too. I merely want to allow you understand which you're no longer on my own. i've got faith like i'm now and lower back. stable success with each and every thing, i'm hoping it gets extra useful for you.

Answer 8

Well, try to remember that she lives in another state, doesn't get to see him that often and he is her dad. Regardless of whether you're his current life...you married him and his 9 year old was part of the complete package. If that were your dad, and you were little, would you have wanted your dad to just forget about you because he has a new wife? I doubt that. I'm assuming that you're in your relationship for the long haul which also means....she's not going to go anywhere. Luckily, she's a nice girl....maybe try to develop a relationship with her on your end so that you don't feel so left out when she comes. For example, you could even start out with something like drawing a picture with her for your husband. Little things. You don't want her to end up resenting you....try to think long term in terms of your relationship with your husband, your relationship with her, and her relationship with him in the long run.

Answer 9

My parents divorced when I was little and my Mom ended up getting remarried when I was a teen. I gave my stepdad hell and regret it to this day. I now understand and am closer with him than my biological father.

I would say the relationship is weak due to little emotional connection and only a brief shared history. Which you most likely know a lot of this already. Stepparenting is Tough!

I can just imagine you the stepmother and your situation. You likely feel confused about your role, displaced from your husband when your stepdaughter is around, andhelpless to change the situation. Stepparents and biological parents alike frequently expect too much from the stepparent, especially early in the stepfamily's development.

The cardinal rule for stepparent-stepchild relationships is this: Let the child set their pace for their relationship with you.

Remember that love and caring takes time to develop. I would do as he says and slowly open up. Offer to do things together as a family. Go to parks, bowling, movies. Include her as much as possible. Try to imagine your stepfamily in a crock-pot; it's slow cooking, so don't rush it. :) Besides, crock-pots do gradually bring all the ingredients together so trust that the low heat will eventually do its work.
Don't expect that you and your stepdaughter will magically cherish all your time together. She probably feels confused about new family relationship. Feeling both welcome and resentful of the changes new people bring to her life. Esp. now she's getting close to teen years. Give the space she needs to come around. She will eventually realize what a great addition you are to her life. :) As I did. I was blessed all along and never knew until that one day. Recently a friend told me that it took 30 years before he could tell his stepfather he loved him. Undoubtedly, his stepfather struggled through all those years for his acceptance. But despite his godly attitude and leadership, his stepson simply couldn't allow himself to return that love.

Also give her time away from you, preferably with her Dad. The exclusive time she shared with him before he married you come to a screeching halt after remarriage. Honoring that by giving back this exclusive time will help. (Ex. I guess like when your in the kitchen cooking....or running some errands.)

Relax. I know this is tough for you...so just relax, accept the current level of relationship, and trust 'the crock-pot' to increase your connection over time. :)
I do wish you and your family the best of luck! Hope this helps.

Answer 10

Where you the cause for the break up of his marriage?
Where you with him when he was still married?

I ask this because she may resent you for those reasons.

As hard as it is, you have to accept the fact that he had a life before you. Since she lives in another state she probably misses him and wants to spend as much time with him as she can before it's time to go home.

Feeling left out is your issue. I don't mean that to be harsh. She is a child and it is your job, as the adult, to build a relationship with her. She may feel that you are the reason her parents can't be together.

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Good luck