how do i get over my husband's long over affair?

Question

I found out about it several months after it was over. I had lasted for about 20 months, on and off. He has answered all of my questions and has done everything possible to make up for it. Our marriage is much better than it had been before, but somehow I keep dwelling on the details and the feeling of betrayal and anger. Have gone for counseling, but it hasn't really helped.

Answer 1

If you have made the choice to make your marriage work, then you need to find a way to put it in the past. I have been through this, in your position, and still have trouble (over a year later, although as time passes it gets easier and easier). What I do is when thoughts come into my head, I acknowledge that I'm thinking about "it" and change my thinking instantly to whatever happens to be in front of me at the time. This way, I don't sit and dwell on it. The betrayal is so much harder to get over than what physically happened. Understanding why it happened is also key to moving on- have you completely understood why it happened? Are you convinced it will not happen again? Your husband needs to do whatever it takes to ensure you that it won't happen again, that he is trustworthy and make you feel safe in your relationship. Are you artistic at all? I found buying a big sketchbook and crayons and then writing my feelings out in crayon (grind those crayons!!) really helped me with getting out of my system- any kind of physical arts activity- you need to get your body into what your doing so you release the pain. Hit a punching bag or pillows or mattress. Run until you can't run anymore. Talk, talk, talk- to friends and anyone that will listen. As hard as it is to do, try not to overload your husband with talking about it- it can push him away and have the adverse effect you want.

Above all, don't obsess on it (and I know how easy it is to do so). It will only hurt you in the end. I'm sorry you are going through this- it's one of the hardest things in life to cope with.

Answer 2

Hey there

I think the question is u r thinking is he going 2 do this again. There is no simple answer 20 mounths is a long time 2 b cheating on your wife . I guess u must wonder how much does he realy love u ? If he has done it once he will do it again i just hope u can take all that pain again.You have every reason 2 feel the way u do but only u can choose the out come. Ive been married 4 17 years and would never cheat on my wife love 2 me and trust is a marriage with out that mmm its hard good luck i hope things work out 4 u . You sound like a nice person bye !

Answer 3

I think sometimes regardless of a person's best intentions to make up for something like an affair, sometimes it just isn't possible to forgive them. Everyone is different and some people just cannot accept infidelity because it represents so many hurtful things. He will never truly regain your trust and there's always that remote possibility he could do it again so you don't feel that bond that you did before. Granted things may seem better because NOW he's being honest but he has already done the damage. It will take alot of time and patience to heal a wound like that one...

Counseling doesn't always help either. Alot of people go into therapy thinking they will be "fixed" but it just doesn't work that way...

Good luck to you both...

Answer 4

I understand what you are going through. My husband cheated on me in September. He continued for a while. To this day (3 mos. later) he still have feelings for her, he tells so. They work together, so it's hard. I too dwell on it. Mostly the days they I know they work together. I had him change his schedule. Some days are good, some bad. I have found that each day gets a little bit easier. I love my husband, and I want to know that I have done everything I could to make my marriage work. He too, has done whatever he could and can to make things up, he's trying. Don't give up. It's not always easier to walk away, it takes a much more bigger person to stay and work it out. I'm glad I did. I know that our marriage will be the way it was before. I'm confident of that.

Answer 5

forgive it, forgiving it doesn't say it never happened, or doesn't matter, nor does it let him off the hook, but you are just putting yourself in this self imposed prison. don't focus on the past, just be happy your hubby came home and chose u over her, just as easily could have been the other way around, and today you might have been divorced, and bitter. if u say the marriage is much better, than he must be doing right. just be glad u have this good man, who did make a mistake, but at some point u are going to have to let it go. seek some spiritual counseling, it may help u more than the conventional kind. if u do not attend a church start taking him with u, and ask the lord to intervene and give u the strength to forgive him. leave the past where it is, it is over with and done. maybe u don't have the right kind of council er, i would seek someone experienced in grief.

Answer 6

I went through this with a woman I trusted. She betrayed me, but was very flippant about it. Like it should be no big deal. It was a difficult time, for me.

Forgiveness can be difficult, but needs to be done, or the feelings of anger and betrayal will eat you up.

For me, it comes down to a quote I read in an interview with actor Terrence Howard:
"Forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past will be different"

It happened & nothing can change it. Only YOU can control how you feel.

Decide and live by your decision.

I wish you peace and love from the bottom of my heart.

Answer 7

Some of these people are telling you wrong. First of all you don't go out and do the same thing...two wrongs don't make a right..Believe me, I know! The only way to get over being lied to and cheated on is to accept that it was a mistake. Don't carry the burden of what happened in the past. It hurt you very much to be betrayed by someone that you trusted and loved with all of your heart and soul. Another thing, a man doesn't have to have a reason to stray. It's just some immature thing that a lot of them do. It's not that they don't love you but the fact that some have to see if the grass is greener. And by chance was he provoked by someone that didn't care about hurting another woman. Just the fact that she could entice another woman's husband made her feel superior. She probably went out of her way to entice him. It's hard for some men to walk away, especially if she was after him for some time. I feel that your husband has realized the pain that he has caused you. He is trying to make up for it and he deserves this chance to prove his love for you. Bury the wounds with the past. You say your marriage is better now..don't keep him on a guilt trip...salvage what is to be the best of the rest of your life. Turn it over to God, let it go and good luck for a happier life. I care!

Answer 8

You may never, but if you chose the hard road to stay and work it out then you have to not get over it until you do get over it.

I think of infidelity like a death. It hurts and hurts and hurts, until one day it just hurts less. You'll never forget something like this, but you do have to move on from it, in time, otherwise there is no use staying with him.

You were betrayed and you should be angry. The more you work on it and the longer you are together, the less angry you will be.

He needs to be patient with you and allow you the time to grieve and be angry. And you will, but allow yourself to grieve. It's a HUGE step in this process.
Good luck

Answer 9

Maybe you should think that life is not perfect. Since your husband has regretted the whole thing, it is your turn to positively think about what you can do to enrich your life together even further instead of dwelling over the past. Good luck.

Answer 10

If he is being open and honest with you. Then try it with him... tell him how you feel! tell him how hurt and betrayed you are and if you need too tell him every day!

I can tell you are making the effort too stay and that you want too make your marriage work.. i take my hat off too you! i couldn't do it!

instead of just you going too counselling make him go too... actually ask him too come with you!

You have every right too feel hurt, angry betrayed.

you might even feel worthless because you couldn't keep your husband happy... that is NOT true he did the wrong thing not you. your a great person for trying too work through it!

Please. Please. Please if you want this marriage to work DO NOT go out and have an affair yourself.. it wont help. you will feel worse!

good luck.
i hope it helps.
feel free too email me if you need too:)