How many of you are honest with your spouse about your true sexual needs and desires?

Question

I'm talking about really wanting or needing something sexually and being able to talk to your spouse about it without feeling embarrassed or insecure (that they'll think less or differently about you). Can you do that? And what does it say about one's relationship if they can't? And should we always confront our spouses about our sexual needs, or is it better to accept that we need to keep certain requests to ourselves and just live with the fact that we can't always get what we want?

Answer 1

Talking about your sexual needs and desires is CRITICAL to a satisfying relationship. There's a persistent myth (one shared by men as well as women) that "if they REALLY loved me, they'd just KNOW what I need."

Well, it isn't true -- even the most devoted spouse isn't always going to know what you're in the mood for, what you want today, or when you want it. Though I'd caution about even thinking the word "confront" -- that's an attitude that's bound to cause friction, and not the good kind. :-) It's much more effective to bring up sexual requests in a straightforward but compassionate way, not as demands or complaints but as an expression of your needs and desires, and with the goal being to achieve a balance that works for both of you.

We've had two specific areas where being honest about sex has caused remarkable breakthroughs for us. The first time was in the first year or so we were together. It had become apparent to both of us that we were VERY sexually compatible, not only in frequency and intensity but also in our willingness to try new things. So we invented a game where we wrote sexual requests on the backs of blank 3 x 5 cards, then played a hand of poker or some other game. The loser picked a card off the winner's stack and had to do whatever the card said. Some of them were just silly; some were romantic; and some were extreme. The only rules were that they had to be performed in the room, with only the objects (and people :-) that were in the room, and you couldn't say no or you'd lose the game.

The beauty of this game was that it meant we could ask each other for what we wanted without having to ask for it face to face-- that is, it took FAR less courage to write the request on a blank card than it would have taken to look her in the eyes and say "Please do this to me." Asking for it a second time became much easier: "Remember the time we played that game and I asked you to...? Could you do that again?"

Now, of course, if your partner can't or won't do certain things that you really want, that's another problem entirely. You need to discuss what it is that's keeping your partner from being able to perform the act in question, whether it's a physical inability or an emotional block, and take things from there. I will say that it's not only common decency not to press someone to do something they don't want to, even in the context of an existing sexual relationship, but it's counter-productive. Patience, understanding, and acceptance are much more likely to help you reach an acceptable conclusion.

The next time that asking about sexual needs really became important was about five years ago, in our mid-forties. It had become clear to me that my wife's sex drive had dropped significantly from the wild days of our youth, while mine hadn't -- I still wanted (and want) it all the time, while she's really a once-a-week gal these days. So we set out to explore a way to make sex work for both of us, without each of us resenting the other. And the key to that has been open and honest communication.

What it really comes down to is that we're each of us being responsible for communicating our "sexual status" to the other, on a more or less daily basis. That is, if she's really feeling tired or stressed and needs a night of relaxation, she lets me know and I can plan to spend the evening massaging her while we watch TV and have a glass of wine -- it makes her happy, and I get to run my hands up and down the body of a naked woman, which I enjoy immensely. And if I'm feeling the need for sexual release on a given day, or even as the result of running my hands up and down the body of a naked woman, I'll let her know. (Fortunately, it isn't that she doesn't ENJOY sex, it's just that she doesn't initiate it: she just doesn't need sexual release, these days, as often as I do.) And when she has had a good night's sleep and has relaxed to the point where she can start feeling sexy again, and makes it known that she'd really like something, I exert every effort to make sure she has a star-spangled, spectacularly good time.

So for the past five years, sex has been the best it's ever been for us. And here's the kicker -- we've been married for 27 years, and we're both over 45. What makes it so good? The number one thing is the communication: we're always thinking about each other, letting the other one know we're thinking about them, and always asking for -- and getting -- what we want. (Well, that and, about ten years ago, my wife figured out how to give ME multiple orgasms... but that's a different subject. :-)

The amazing thing is, though, that because we're always in communication about what we want, I don't feel that my needs aren't being met, even on days when we're just lying together watching TV and snuggling. And I think this is because the conversation between us now is ongoing. I know that a "day off" isn't going to kill me -- in fact, it's more likely to give my wife a much-needed chance to relax, de-stress, and be more involved in giving me a really extreme sexual experience the next time. So in this odd way, NOT having sex has become part of foreplay for the next time. And it's all because we tell each other what we need, and when we need it.

Answer 2

No matter what you want sexually you should be able to talk to your partner about it. If you can't then there is a problem. Both you and your spouse should be comfortable enough with each other to talk about your sexual needs.

You used the word "confront" which makes me think once you express what you want sexually, your anticipating an argument. If your spouse and you are on different levels when it comes to sex you need to express that.

Sex is a big part of a marriage or a relationship, you need to find common ground. Neither should belittle the others desires or needs. If you can't find common ground then you need to decide if you can live with it or not.

Cheating should not be an option that is unfair to your spouse and yourself.

There is nothing wrong with having a sexual desire that two consenting adults want to try. Sex should be fun and exciting spicing it up is normal and fun.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

My husband and I are very open about our sexual needs and desires. When we first started dating he was very open about that and I wasn't because I group up in a house where you didn't talk about sex much less think about it or have it! But the longer we were together the more I realized that there is nothing wrong with sharing your desires with your spouse. It is totally natural and amazing. If either one of ever want to try something shouldn't you discuss it with your spouse? Who else would you discuss it with?

Answer 4

My spouse & I are very open about our sexual needs and or requests. We're very open about stuff like that and also comfortable. We got comfortable about a year of being togather. There are certain times when we don't say anything if we need to, because sometimes thigns just don't need to be said.

Answer 5

Like you, I had always had certain requests that were off-limits to my partner in my relationships. I accepted this as part of the relationship and that's the way it was, and as you say, I had to live with the fact that I couldn't always get what I wanted. Early on with the woman I later married, we both began to suspect that there might really be NO requests we had to keep to ourselves. One way we got there in a hurry was to play a game I invented. We each took a stack of blank cards and spent an hour or so writing sexy things we wanted the other to do to us. Then we exchanged decks so that I had the deck of things she wanted me to do to her, and she had the deck of things I wanted her to do to me. Then we played some card game, and the winner of each hand got to pick a card from the top of his or her stack -- and the loser had to do whatever it said. We played that game for HOURS. I got some things done to me that night that NOBODY had done to me before. :-) And I think she did, too. One of the things that made this successful was that it was easier to write something potentially embarrassing on a card and slip it in with a whole deck of other things, because the card wasn't going to say "Eeeeew, you're a pervert" and drive home. And while I had made it clear that she could refuse anything on the cards... she didn't. So that's one way you can see whether your spouse WILL do something that you might otherwise think you have to keep to yourself. And having "broken the ice" during the game about whatever this act you're embarrassed to ask for, it gets easier to ask for it again. "You know, I LOVED it that time you wrote your name on my thigh in chocolate syrup and licked it off, could you do that again?" The main thing is, unless you know for a fact that something you'd like is off-limits with your spouse, you may be cheating yourselves out of something you'll both end up loving to do with each other. People do change over time, and what's out of the question to a 20-year-old may be no problem at 30. The only other comment I need to make is about your use of the word "confront." It sounds, well, confrontational. :-) You DO need to communicate about your sexual needs, and you both need to come to an understanding about what to do when you have different needs. And you will have different needs at different times -- the six to eight weeks after labor and delivery being the most obvious example. But the way through is to keep communicating about what you want, when you need it, and keep asking about what your spouse needs, wants, or is capable of. And not like nagging, but more like "I'm getting a glass of water, would you like one too, sweetie?" As long as you're both aware of each others' needs and supporting each other, a specific request (whether it's "you know, tonight I really just need you to massage my calves" or "I've been craving that thing you do with the ice cubes, the honey and the three-pound bag of BBs") becomes part of the way you take care of each other and love each other.

Answer 6

well, i always try to be honest with my husband about the things that i want to do, but i think that everyone will always have some little personal things kept secret

Answer 7

we have always been open and honest with each other....if you can't be ..why would you want to spend the rest of your life with that person? Doesn't make much sense to me....

Answer 8

I think its interesting that only women have answered.

As for myself, I know I have shared some, but not all.

Answer 9

Well if you tell them and nothing happens then thats a problem

Answer 10

i can......95% of the time