If your husband/partner was constantly putting your daughter down what would you do?

Question

My husband keeps on degrading my daughter, putting her morally down, this happens every day. He's a perfectionist that goes a bit over extreme as everyone knows what its like having teenagers. The other day he started becoming abusive towards me he didnt get to hit me, thank God but my youngest son found himself inbetween us having to protect me from him. This is unfair to him. The degrading has gone on for over 5 years now the abuse started a day after christmas. Is this reason to tell your kids I have no option but to move or do you continue loving your partner. My choice has been made ages ago, but I am interested in finding out what others would have done or would do?

Answer 1

I think that when your partner hits you, abuse you, only you can decide whether or not you can take it.
But when it comes to the kids, I think that it's not a risk you want to run.
As an adult, his partner, you know how much it hurts to be degraded; You can lie to yourself all you want by trying to find him excuses; But how about the kids?
Do they deserve it? Could they have done anything which makes them a target?
A few years ago, I decided to walk out of my marriage because I couldn't take the psychological abuse anymore, and I do want to make sure that my children know what's acceptable and what's not.
They will be free to make their own choices, but they won't learn to be a coward from me.
I accept for now that they reproach me for everything: not seeing their dad; My being unfair; My young son aged 6 will say that he loves his dad more than me etc...
But, I can take it, and am not mad at them. They're children.
My daughter has calmed down and seems to start understanding things better.
My son will get there.
But No way will they learn from me that it's ok to be hit, disrespected, abused and other.
I did love my husband.
But now, I can't understand why I didn't leave him much earlier.

Answer 2

I am a survivor of domestic abuse and it started out innocent enough. It sounds like some counseling is in order for all of you. If your husband won't go, then you go without him. You need some guidance as to what to do. Find someone that you're extremely comfortable with and that may take seeing several counselors for a first visit. Most will do an initial consultation for free. But you need to protect yourself and your kids first. He may be a good guy with just a lot of problems to work on. And in the meantime, you will be able to work on issues you may have as well and your kids can have some kind of voice into their own life which they have no control over - but you do! Best of luck.

Answer 3

I would also agree that you should seek proffesional/legal advice. Imagine if your son had not been there to defend you and what child should ever have to witness an attack on thier mother, wether it be verbal, emotional or physical? Please do not stand back and allow this person to degrade your daughter. That in itself is most traumatic but when it is coming from her father it is dispicable. The effect of any form of abuse can last a lifetime. We only have one life and you are your children both deserve to be respected and loved and to not live in fear. I am sure your children will understand should you choose to take them away from this and start over. Many women have done it before you and I speak from experience..it is not as scary as one would think..it is positively liberating. There are many organisations out there to help, C.A.B. and Womens Aid are good ones to start with. Best of luck with your decision.

Answer 4

D I V O R C E
The best predictor of men who abuse women is to find one with a dad who did the same thing to his own mother. DO you want this for your son?
YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!
I would be thinking of a plan NOW!
Dont take my word for it: get to your phone book and contact the spouse abuse center.
The will probably make room for you tonight.
I doubt that I would take that option but keep that number handy, you will need it sooner rather than later.
Your husband sounds like he is out of control.
what a shame when a child has to act like the adult!
Be sure to praise your son for what he did.
Make sure that you are there to counteract the negative effects of what your husband is doing to your daughter and son while you are planning your escape. Heap lots of praise on them for the little t hings that they do since they desperately need it now. I bet that their self esteem is in the drain.
I dont think I could continue to love someone who was putting down my kids, I dont care if it was GHANDI!
If it were my son, I would have told him to go upstairs (or where ever) and let that basTARRRRRRD hit me.
THe cops would have came and ended that.
Its called taking one for the team.
Your children deserve better than this, but quite frankly, you do too!
Maybe a limo ride in the cop car could be the wake up call that he needs.
Either way you HAVE to protect your children
he obviously wont

Answer 5

If he is abusing your daughter, he is most likely abusing you and your son. You need to take your children and get out.

Abuse is not just horrible at the moment, but has long reaching effects. You and your children should get therapy after you get out.

I suffered through 26 years of abuse from my step-mother and father before I cut ties and I should have cut those ties many years earlier. Abuse really changes your way of viewing and understanding the world and not in a good way.

You asked about loving an abusive partner, but that does not work. Abusers were most likely abused themselves and they do not see their actions as abusive and they will not accept responsibility for their abusive acts.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 6

We don't always know or understand where others have come from in their life. the challenges and hardships they may have dealt with. This may be a time where the relative may feel excited because of overcoming those obstacles. There too could be a sense of superiority because of feeling to rise above others is power. There are some who need constant attention to feel loved, and focused on. Like they are the only ones. I find it best to just : nod , and say "that's nice", Oh, really?, "How wonderful".. rather than cause a scene.. be a real lady, and have my own personal dignity about me. Then, be ever so grateful i am NOT like them. I don't have to be shallow, demanding, selfish, etc. I can be charitable, caring, loving and forgiving . Our attitude in things carries over in how we deal with others . If i am polite, friendly etc. others too remember me that way, and her in her way.. So, how do you want to be remembered? as a complainer?, or judgemental? Nothing gets the goat more to someone who is so puffed up in PRIDE than to smile, and be calm and centered and unfeathered in their attempts to put others down.. Go girl.. BE all that you can be! So what if her door is Red, Gold or whatever.. Remember , where one door closes , the windows of Heaven can be opened to those who ask...

Answer 7

It doesn't seem like the way your hubby is treating your daughter is the only problem here. If your son had to intervene when your hubby was getting a bit abusive, there are more than just a few problems, i would suggest going for family counselling. maybe it would help your hubby understand your daughter, and she would feel less victimised. I'm not being judgemental, so please don't take offence, it's just my opinion. good luck, hope it all works out!

Answer 8

ok lets think about this if he hasnt always been this way why is he behaning like this .and he is hurting you rby being horrid to your child you dont need a black eye to be getting abused hun. you need to decide if you love him or is it your just to afraid to leave . im writing this to you as someone who has called time on 13 year marriage just before christmas the relief i feel now after pretending for several years that i did love him is un believable hope you thought long and hard . kids are better with two happy parents who live seperaley than two who fight . hope that helps .

Answer 9

sounds like he needs some anger management, if he is not willing to get help with that to keep you and your kids safe should be your first priority. this doesn't mean you have to stop loving him. you will probably always love him, but you absolutely need to ask yourself which is more important. if they are already teens they have already been subjected to a lot of b s, right. maybe someone to talk to them as well and all of you together would do a great deal of help.
my husband was uptight all the time and always ready for a fight, anything i did he would see as me "pushing his buttons", he started taking gingsing, he takes it everyday it really has helped he is a much calmer more loving man and father.

Answer 10

Ask WHY is he doing this?
Could it be that he has a NEGATIVE approach to your daughter, so needs to learn a different style?
Your daughter comes 1st in a relationship with a man, so make this clear to him.
Final thought, seek a loving caring partner and role model for your self AND daughter.
Good luck.