I have a feeling my wife is cheating on me, but have no real proof. I am affraid asking her may cause problems

Question

My wife and I are having sex less and less often it seems. Lately there's always been some sort of excuse, either she's too tired, sick, or not in the mood. (Or it's the time of month for her.) We have 3 kids and she's always been more sexually active in the past. She never seems to want to cuddle or anything. I have my suspicions that she may be with someone else, but I want to believe she is not and trust her. Plus if I am wrong and I ask her, it may cause problems I am affraid. I've been cheated on before in previous relationships and there are some similar signs, but it may just be a coincidence. She works really late hours over the last month and it almost seems like she is happier at work than at home. But I could be wrong. We haven't had decent sex since I dont know when, and last time we even did it she just laid there pretty much and did not really reciprocate any thing. She claims she likes being submissive, but I dont know. Any opinions on this subject would be great.

Answer 1

You need to talk to her. Don't accuse her of anything though.

It is a fact that the frequency and quality of sex decreases during marriage - why? I wish I knew!!!

There may be something else bothering her. Has she gained weight? Maybe she is self conscious of her body. Maybe she is stressed out having a husband and 3 kids. Does she get any time to herself?

You need to understand the root cause of the issue before you start thinking the worst.

But don't ever accuse of having an affair unless you have solid proof. That could just make matters worse and drive her away.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Tough one. She may just be tired. Three kids and late working hours would do that. What have you done for her lately? Dont' feel attacted, but a many times in a marriage, we attack our spouses for not meeting our needs without looking at what we could do to make life easier for our spouses. The most romantic thing a husband can do for a wife is take the heat off her with the house, the kids, etc. It is a wonderful way to spark the romance and lead to a real team effort, rather than resentment and detachement.

I hope she is not cheating. If you call her at her work when she is there late, is she available?

You may want to tell her that you love being married and want to know how to make things better. What is it that she'd like you to do? And really listen without being defensive or attacking. She may just be resentful and tired instead of out cheating. Being at work would be easier than dealing with three kids and the home, plus sex. So...that's where I would start.

Have you had a date away at all? We can get caught up with work, the kids, the bills, the grind and lose our relationship without some work. It may be that you two just need a marriage tune-up to get back on track. I sure hope so. I wish you and yours the best.

Answer 3

confrontation is a must, even if it causes problems, if u have been cheated on in the past, and feel some of the same than most likely it is so, we should always trust out intuition before anything else. do not be afraid, as it is going to eventually come out anyway, and the longer u sit passively and do and say nothing the more she will feel as if she is getting away with it. when someone changed completely and nothing else is going on in the marriage than it usually means there is someone else in the picture. ask her, ask her what is wrong, and how u can make it right. but sometimes we have nothing to do with it, just means they are tired of us, and think the new person is the answer to everything. asking her may also bring it out in the open and cause her to leave u, and make the choice, but she is going to have to make the choice anyway at some point, so maybe it is best to know now where her heart is.

Answer 4

I'm going to take a contrary position from a lot of folks here.

Number 1 - you are married and you HAVE to trust your spouse. She is the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.

Let's say she is cheating - who cares? Why would you care? Women are going to do what they're going to do and usually, when a woman cheats on a man, it's because the man is not giving her something. She doesn't want to cheat on you! She married you and had your children! That's pretty radical but think about it - you made a COMMITMENT when you married her that you would LOVE HONOR AND CHERISH TIL DEATH DO YOU PART THROUGH THE GOOD AND THE BAD.

Also, let's say she is cheating and you get all huffy and leave. Well, you have just effectively thrown your children in front of a bus. Children of divorce have higher suicide rates, higher divorce rates, higher jail rates, etc., and there is statistical evidence that this is the case.

You gave this woman your trust and you can NEVER TAKE IT BACK. You're acting all hurt and emotional, well, get over it. If she never had sex with you again in your entire life you have to stay with her, trust her, love her, and help her with the kids - that's it but - sorry but you had them!

Marriage is not there for your happiness, just as it isn't there for her happiness. A relationship like marriage is an opportunity for you to get some really valuable life lessons about caring, loving, listening, patience, cooperation, being true to yourself, etc. It can be painful, irritating, frustrating or just downright tough, but you know what, too bad. It's marriage and the structure you have created could potentially give your children a leg up on the world. Children from stable marriages are more stable.

Step back and calm down - things are not that bad. My wife has unexpectedly gotten out of a sexual state. I've gone for a couple of months only have sex once or twice. Who cares? Are you so special that she has to cater to your every whim? You taking care of her is part of the equation as well. Why don't you tell her that you understand what she's going through sexually and you're willing to take a break from your lust and give her the space to grow and get through it - because together you can get through anything.

FP

Answer 5

First thing you need to do is ask yourself, do you really want to know? If you do and are willing to accept the results, then find out. Don't ask her, that will just cause her to hide anything better if she is and make finding out more difficult. Get a baby sitter to watch the kids if they are too young to stay at home alone, get dressed up and go to where she works on a night she is working late (again). Just show up and if she is there honestly working and not doing something out of sorts, tell her you want her to take off and the two of you can go out, you already have the baby sitter at home. If she is not there, call her cell phone and ask her how it is going at work and what time she will be home. Call her from your cell phone, not a phone she could recognize as at her work or near by. If she says she is real busy and it may be a couple of hours or something like that, you know she is lying to you.

Answer 6

You say that she has three children and a job. Could she just be tired? The only way to solve a conflict is communication. Set up a time when the children are not around like bedtime for them. Tell her how you are feeling. DON'T ACCUSE HER. Tell her that you are feeling neglected and would like for your time together to be more meaningful because you really do love her. Ask her if there is a problem. Ask her if you are doing something wrong or if you need to help her more. Then listen don't argue.

Can you get a baby sitter and take her out to dinner and maybe a movie? Married women who are moms still like to be romantic and be taken on dates by their husbands every now and then. God bless.

Answer 7

I know how she feels, working, taking care of the kids, and no time for yourself. I get that way from time to time. Depending on my schedule. Why not try this first. Get a baby sitter for a night out when she is feeling more rested. And have a nice dinner and some wine. This always helps one to relax a bit. Jumping right into sex deflates the purpose when you are trying to relax. If this doesn't help. Try asking her and make sure you are looking her straight in the eye. If she is being unfaithful she will look away abruptly and probably tell you something like your crazy. If she stays locked with you in the eye, she probably is just tired.

Answer 8

Take a weekend vacation WITHOUT the kids, someplace close for some R-N-R, and see what happens. You should know her cycle by now, so obviously schedule when that won't be an excuse. Tell her you know she has been working hard and you feel you both need the break. Some little tourist town where there are some nice little resturaunts and sights to see if you so choose. Extra Credit: Book a room with a 2 person jacuzzi tub.

Answer 9

She may not be cheating on you. How is your relationship bedsides the sexual problems? Do you talk? Do you spend time together, just the two of you? Three kids, a husband, a house, and a job is a lot for your wife to take care of. Maybe she really is just tired, or depressed. Has she been to a doctor lately? A lot of depressed women lose interest in sex.

Have you tried asking her if there is something she finds lacking in your relationshp? Open the door to communication and see where it leads. Express your feelings and concerns, but try not to accuse her of anything.

Answer 10

You know what? If you thought your woman was running around on you while appart then why did you moved in with her. You are dwelling on past stuff and it just don't make any sense, if you don't have any proof then it didn't happend and to just go by what you think happend it's just shallow and childish, you should concentrate in your future rather than question the past, because you are still there ain't you? so it can be that bad, and if is that bad then it's time for you to let her go and find someone a bit less judgmental than you. I think you have some growing up to do. If you continue to point and judge you are going to loose this woman that is for sure. chill relax and enjoy your relationship and if you can't then do you and her a favor and move on, life is too short to be dwelling on past shittt that are done and over with. Good luck.