We have been married for nearly 8 years and have 3 beautiful children together. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years, and recently went back to school. Needless to say going to school fulltime, being a wife and mother was pretty hectic. He says that he cheated because he felt neglected. I can take some blame, but he still is the one that chose to cheat instead of talking to me. He has been gone (seperated) for nearly one month and wants to come home. Says he is truly sorry and will do whatever it takes to fix our marriage and family. My mind says leave him I deserve better and so do my children, but my heart truly loves him and says to give him one last chance to save everything we have worked so hard for. I am soooooo confused and don't know if to follow my heart, or my mind??????
2007-01-05 05:11:30 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
A touchy situation, indeed. However, there is not much for us to comment since you have made it obvious that you do want to give him a chance. Your words say it all.
Well, let me say this. You must have heard about Indian social values and ways of life. In India, marriages are not broken, neither by the woman nor by the man. Like always, men cheat on their faithful wives. In some unusual cases, women play the unfaithful. But marriages are not broken, for both the woman and the man know that they have lived together and shared thier deepest feelings, that the children they have are a bond between the two of them that can not be broken even after separation. They know that, the agony of separation will live on and haunt forever in ways undeciphered. They understand, cheating is just a bad phase of marriage which if given a chance will wash away the bliss and joy of being together. And thinking so they compromise. They never consider the compromise a weakness. Instead, they think it is essential and key to a blissful married life. May be we are talking about Indians but the Humanbeings are one and the same, their emotions and feelings are the same too, only the values differ from race to race, region to region and generation to generation. In Western societies, women are independent and can fight attrocities caused to them. You sure have the right to disown your husband and leave him regretting for life.
Sure it would render him lost. But will that earn you any different benefits that you think are worth earning at the cost of your own marriage ?
2007-01-05 05:46:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its up to you.
My inclination is to the second chance theory. In that everyone deserves one second chance.
Put some rules on it like his telling you why it happened, that it will never happen again and his understanding what does happen if it does.
If he is truly remorseful and promises not to repeat then start over.
If there was any truth to the neglectful portion of the explanation you owe him another chance. If you acted like he was only there for the money and babysitting then you got what was the logical outcome. It sounds like you forgot to be a couple.
Your heart says take him back but your mind does not? That could be a bit reversed. Your mind should be telling you that you have a lot invested in the relationship and there are children in the house.It should also be telling you that the hurt is done and won't be getting any better so why throw away a chance for redemption. Your mind should also be telling you that everyone makes mistakes. To err is human to forgive divine.
Oh, and, beware the Yahoo, once a cheater crowd. That attitude discounts that people learn from their errors. Yes I said error. There is nothing here that says what he did was okay. Not being able to recover from this is also a mistake. Suppose for one moment that he never would screw up that way again. Where are the once a cheater types going to lead you in dealing with the unnecessary breakup of your family. REALITY, you are not better off without him. You are better off without a repeat offender. No one is immune from making that one big mistake.
It is the attitude after the fact which defines your decision.
2007-01-05 05:51:33 · answer #2 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something for you to think about...
He said he felt neglected by you, so he cheated. That was a good excuse he came up with and at the same time put the blame on you. Yet, he never came and talk to you about it, he just had sex with someone else.
Did he confess to cheating because he was caught? And if that is the case, how long would this affair go on?
He tells you he is sorry and wants to make it work, but where were those words when he was feeling neglected before he decided to cheat?
Personally I would not tolerate, make work, whatever if my husband cheated on me because in the back of mind, I will always wonder if he is doing it again.
2007-01-05 05:21:49 · answer #3 · answered by Simply Lovely 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
When you say your "...so do my children" I think you are wrong. He cheated on you, not on your children and you can not replace the real dad with another. He wants to come back and is willing to try whatever it takes, so that leaves you with the choice about you and if you feel you deserve better. I do not think cheating is ever validated and I think it is always wrong, even if he did feel neglected. He probably did from what you said your schedule is like, but that does not make cheating okay. You say you love him, can you forgive and trust him? If you can get past what happened and honestly go back into the marriage like it never happened, then I say yes, try. BUT, if you are going to hold it over him, not trust him, and hold back from him, then don't even waste your time, that is just programed failure in the future.
2007-01-05 05:29:51 · answer #4 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will have to tell him over and over again how sincerely and genuinely sorry you are. Cut off all contact with the other dude. Tell your husband you are done with the affair (and be truthful). Suggest marriage counselling to him. If he won't go, you should go alone either way, so you can try to resolve what led you to do that. Affairs usually happen when something is off about a relationship (though not always). You will have to rebuild your trust with your husband and it may take a long time. Some people can get past it but others cannot. I wish you luck either way.
2016-03-29 09:08:01 · answer #5 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first response by most will say dump him....the fact of the matter is you have children together and it sounds like you have accumulated "things" along the way. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. If you still love this guy and you truly believe what he is saying, why not give him a second chance? The biggest winners will be your kids if this all works out. Good luck.
2007-01-05 05:58:34 · answer #6 · answered by financialguyhere 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First off, do not take the blame. He should have communicated how he was feeling. Instead he chose not to, had the affair and now blames you for it.
Whether you want to work on your marriage is purely up to you. there is a good website called willingspirits.com which is really a message board for people in your situation. When this happened to me I found it helpful to talk to people who were going through the same heart v head issues when it came to saving their marriage.
I know that you are going through a terrible time right now but you will survive this. Stay strong and good luck.
2007-01-05 05:23:12 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't take any of the blame, cheating is a character issue.
I am sure there were times in your marriage when you felt neglected too.
Questions to ask yourself before you take him back.....
IS it over with the floozie?
Did he compromise your family's security (buying her gifts, promising her that he would leave you etc)?
Is he truly sorry for hurting you and his actions or is he just sorry that he got caught/does not want to pay child support/cant afford to live someplace else?
Do you think that you will ever be able to trust him again?
Has he been to the doctor to assure you that he is disease free?
Dont answer here, but just ask yourself and possibly him these questions and then you will know exactly what you need to do!
2007-01-05 05:17:12 · answer #8 · answered by karen g 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Only you know your particular situation. It's hard, especially with children involved. But the damage done to one's self esteem after being cheated on may be even more detrimental. He should have talked to you about his feelings of neglect. Instead, he betrayed you. I find it disgusting, especially in the world we live in today. Just think of all the times you kissed him. Lord knows where that mouth's been!
Do what's best for your family. If you can forgive him, keep him, but get counseling for sure. If you can't forgive him, you are not a bad person or mother if you decide to leave him.
I am sure he IS very sorry because he may lose his family. I think you should follow your mind, though, instead of your heart. And that may not mean leaving.
Good luck to you and your family.
2007-01-05 05:14:24 · answer #9 · answered by 11:11 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i think the best thing you could do is get a divorce ? the excuse he used of being neglected is a poor one at best . he is a child and needs to grow up. your children and you deserve better and I for one would not take him back he made his own bed so to speak and now he wants to come back home and inflict more pain on you and your children ? no way . Save everything ? he should have thought about that before he cheated . If you do take him back he will do it again . Once a cheater ,always a cheater . think about this very hard . good luck to you.
2007-01-05 05:20:40 · answer #10 · answered by Kate T. 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋