I found out that my husband smoking behind my back during 7 years of marriage. How can I trust him again?

Question

Before our wedding, he was a smoker and he quit smoking as a proof of his love for me. This was very touching and I really admired his courage. As I am very understanding and lenient, I proposed that he could smoke occasionally when we were going out together, i.e., only between us! However, it happened several times that he lied to me that he didn't smoke and I found out that he did. We discussed and compromised. Yesterday night, when I was in my daughter's (3yrs old) bedroom, I heard a strange noise in the bathroom and when I looked through I saw my husband smoking. I felt that all I had just perished at this very moment!!! I immediately took the courage and questioned him about how long this has been going on? He told me 1 year and then when I threatened him that I was leaving the house if he's not telling me the truth. So he spoke out that during all the 7 years of marriage! I feel really down and humiliated that I have not been able to see this before. I'm lost! Help me to solve t

This is not a story about a wife who has caught his husband smoking. He gave up smoking before our marriage because he had an affair with another girl and he showed me his proof of love in quitting smoking. So when he smoked during our 7 years of marriage, it really kills the love we had and the reason why we engaged ourselves. The reasons he hid me was that he didn't want to hurt me!!! He smokes because he wants to and didn't ever thought that one day I might catch him smoking. That really kills me to think and he considers me to be so idiot. So many chances I gave him to change his way of living and caring for me!!! He's not the type that will tell you he loves you or demonstrates his love for you, but I will always do the first step to hug him and despite my parents' reluctance I decided to marry him. I feel trapped and I can't even tell my parents as I do not have their support. Last month, I found out that he phoned his ex-girlfriend and even has some "horny" messages on his cell!

Answer 1

First of all, your husband is addicted to cigarettes.

Second of all, you allowed him to smoke occasionally - which is actually the worst thing in the world if you wanted him to quit, because it meant he got fresh nicotine occasionally, and readdicted him any time he successfully quit.

Smoking isn't the issue here, though. The issue is honesty and strength of character. I can understand he didn't want to disappoint you, but that's not an excuse - people who are in a loving relationship need to be honest with each other, even if the truth will disappoint the other. And people in love need to accept each others flaws - flaws are what make us human, and what make us unique. At the same time, however, he probably told himself he wasn't really lying (just not volunteering information), and that the truth would hurt you... so even though it's not good, it is something forgivable. Especially since the addiction does screw with people's minds - they lie to themselves that they're in control, when they're not.

Now if he's cheating on you, that's one thing - that's an extremely serious breach of trust. But if he's not cheating on you, then what you should do is be disappointed, but you should forgive him, while emphasizing to him that you do expect him to be completely honest with you in the future. Lying about smoking is not something to break a marriage over - lying about the fidelity of the marriage would be a different matter.

Answer 2

That's a big secret to hide for soooo long. Nevertheless, now that it is out in the open it may be easier for you two to handle it and he can really get the help he needs to stop. I do sympathize with you that you are hurt and that he has lied to you about this, but I really do believe that you two can get past this. I am sure there is a good possibility that there is something you may have done - whether you feel it is a big deal or not - in your marriage that you haven't told your husband (even if it is those fabulous pair of shoes that the budget couldn't afford at that time). So I think you should cut him some slack. Nevertheless, smoking is an addiction like any other and he may seriously need some help.

There is really no such thing as a part-time addict or a social smoker. You either are or you're not. So, being that you allowed him to do it sometimes didn't get rid of his desire for the nicotine.
So, that probably wasn't the best move. He needs some help and you two need to actively obtain a plan and execute it to assist him in stopping.

Trust is something that you give freely. It may not be as solid, but overtime it will be. You have to make up in your mind to allow the healing to begin and to trust him again.

Best of luck to you both.

Answer 3

First I want to say that I am sorry that you are going through that and all, but you must understand that not all marriages are going to go the way you want them to go not even mine and I have been married for 18 years, but you have to realize that even though he started smoking again that doesn't mean that you have to though you marriage away because of that, There is more things in life that are more serious than the fact that he lied to you about his smoking...My husband smokes too, but am I going to leave him because I cannot get him to quit? No of course not, I just leave it in his hands to do what he has to do if he doesn't then I don't become a pest about it...He already knows the dangers so since he knows what he knows I leave it at that.

The other thing you have to be more supportive of him in this smoking is a very hard thing to quit I know I have watched to many people who have tried and failed at it because they couldn't beat the urges to have one in there mouths. By threating him and telling him that you are going to leave that is not going to help this situation not one bit...If anything you are going to keep him doing it!

Try to be more understanding and less demanding or else you will be out of your marriage and into a divorce court.
God Bless and I hope that you my friend use wisdom and understanding on this journey with your husband...Peace be with you.

Answer 4

Im 34 and an ER doctor. I've been smoking for 10 years now. I stated to make my bf at the time break up w me and then I got hooked. Now i do about 10-20 a day. I had a bf who smoked after that but i dumped him because smoking will make him look old. Now im with a guy who doesnt. But believe me, I told him, Im married to the cigarette first ! Its my body and my choice. You have to remember that your husband has the right to smoke if he chooses. If you want to make it easier on yourself you should probably give it a try yourself. It takes a while to get used 2 but then your gonna find you luv it 2 and then guess what!!!! No more problem!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 5

You said it was OK for him to smoke sometimes as long as you were going out together. Shame on you. It was OK as long as you were there, but shame on him if you were not there. What kind of mix message is that? And I think its strange that YOU feel humiliated. When he was the one who had to hide like a child.You feel it was the principle of it. Well how do you think he felt. Grown man can't smoke if he wants to. Stop feeling sorry for your self. Let your man be a man.read the proper care and feeding of husbands by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger

Answer 6

If he respects you, and both your & your daughter's health (as well as his own) he should quit. If it is so difficult for him, get help with patches, pills, therapy, hypnosis, tapes, accupuncture, whatever. He has a lot of assistance out there for him. How awful to make a deal and not live up to it at all! Where is his integrity? He knew how important this was to you when he married you. It was selfish to do this. And shows a huge lack of character. But I'm sure a lot of people will reply that it's no big deal because lack of character seems to be appallingly common.

Answer 7

If this is the worst problem you have, it aint the worst thing I've heard. People don't often just quit smoking, contrary to popular belief. A non smoker has no inclination how difficult it is.

If you feel hurt I understand. But if he's a good man, let him have his cigarettes. In the big picture, it's not a crisis in my opinion.

Answer 8

OMG stop the pity party already. I am generally not a very confrontational person but seriously honey... A person will not stop an addictive behavior until they are ready; end of story. You can not force change. My husband smokes and I don't like it that he does and he doesn't really like it that he does but he doesn't dislike it enough to change his behavior. Its not about me or how much he loves me or our children, its about his attitude towards his addiction. Get off your high horse and think about things that have difficult for you to change in your life. We all have them. I advise you to be supportive and stop being so judgemental.

Answer 9

i understand why smoking bothers u, especially when it's your husband. i think you're overlooking something very big. your husband is his own person. he is a grown man and is has every right to make his own decisions. he can only quit if he truly wants to and to quit he needs your support not pressure.
i also understand your anger for him lying and you have every right to be. But keep in mind his motivation. I'm sure he had every intention of quitting and wanted to do it for you, to make you happy. but like i said for anyone to quit they have to truly want to quit. what I'm getting from your story is there is a lot of pressure from you for him to quit and that actually makes it harder for him. who likes being told what to do, not a grown man.
As far as trusting him again, is he a good husband and father? does he lie to you about other things? if he is dishonest about other things then there are deeper issues. if not and this seems to be only about smoking than you need to be supportive about quitting and accepting if he chooses not to. if your husband doesn't want to quit than that's his decision and right as an individual. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate smoke in your home or around your children, set boundaries. good luck!

Answer 10

Be thankful that all he's doing is smoking. It is so hard to quit. He didn't tell you because he either didn't want you to be disappointed or he didn't want to hear you ***** at him. Either way, you act like it's the end of the world because he's smoking. At least you didn't find him with his dick in another woman.