I just found out my fiance has been sneaking cigarettes while being about 9 weeks pregnant.?

Question

She lied to me about smoking, says she only has had a few cigarettes and then criticizes me for being too paranoid about her pregnancy. I don't know what to do. She is carrying OUR baby and I just want the best for her and our child. She is making me feel really bad for questioning her. I'm confused.

Answer 1

If she's "sneaking" them, lying about it, etc, I have to assume:

1 She's not smoking very much,
2 She feels awful about it,
3 She's having a hard time quitting.

First, realistically assess things. From the March of Dimes, who're not known to be low-key about these sorts of things:

"The more a pregnant woman smokes, the greater the risk to her baby. However, if a woman stops smoking by the end of her first trimester of pregnancy, she is no more likely to have a low-birthweight baby than a woman who never smoked. Even if a woman has not been able to stop smoking in her first or second trimester, stopping during the third trimester can still improve her baby’s growth."

http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1171.asp

If I'm right with my assumptions, your place is to be supportive of her efforts to cut down, not to nag. There's so much information out there about the negative effects of smoking during pregnancy that I assure you she knows about them.

Re. "criticizes me for being too paranoid about her pregnancy" -- when pregnant, women sort of become public property. People criticize what they eat, do, drink, smoke, etc, etc. It gets pretty draining, especially because a lot of the criticism _is_ paranoid and ill-informed. That's not to say the smoking part is, but. Do keep in mind that lots of women smoke and have healthy babies -- "In the United States more than 20 percent of women smoke" (from the same source as above) -- and a good number of obstetricians don't advise quitting cold turkey.

You know that smoking's bad for the baby; perhaps time to read up more on how addictive it is. You might want to check out stayquit.co.uk; see if she's interested.

Answer 2

If you look closely at the statistics they use to claim smoking is the most deadly killer in history and consider that beyond those numbers, most of them are old (AS IN OLD) and would die anyway. Then - if you have a brain, you Willl figure out that the rants against smoking are a ruse to keep you occupied. Smoking never really hurts anyone and if smoking a cigarette on a patio wil kill you just for standing there too, what are you going to do about the "stars" using private jets just like you you your car. Then you breathe that, and the smoke from chimneys, and smoke from - OH _ YOU should get it by now. You are fighting a non-issue designed to keep you occupied. NOTE _ I am a non-smoker - but - I Am Not Dumb Let the poor girl have a cigarette in peace.

Answer 3

Ok first thing, you should get out. If you are 9 weeks preggo and your fiance is trying to choke you out and throw you on the bed....you should not put up with that AT ALL!! If your husband is willing to lay hands on ya when you are pregnant, think of what could happen when you arent. Obviously I dont know the whole history of your relationship but I suggest leaving the relationship before getting married which will just make things harder in the long run for you and your baby!!!

Answer 4

Maybe the first thing you could do is go ahead and marry her. Call me self-righteous or old fashioned, but I believe a kid deserves to have two parents that are MARRIED.

Having said that, I once had a lady working for me who was pregnant and addicted to cigarettes. Her obstetrician advised her she would be better off to not try and quit while pregnant. I suggest you advise your fiance to discuss this with her doctor. She is not the first pregnant woman to face this issue.

Thirdly, irrespective of how the previous issue works itself out, be comforting, supportive and encouraging during this period of time. She needs your love and support right now, not condemnation.

Answer 5

Smoking is an addiction. I know how hard it is to quit first hand, but I see why you are concerned. If she doesn't want to quit, making her feel bad isn't going to solve anything. Help her try to cut down on the amount that she smokes by limiting how many she can have per day. That way, she is still in control and is at least making an effort to cut down.
I agree with you that smoking during pregnancy is harmful to the baby....you or her Dr. should try to convince her of that.

Good Luck and congrats!

Answer 6

I am glad that you are concerned. Smoking during pregnancy is very bad, and I am glad that you are trying to do something about it. This is definitely a positive step towards being a good father.

Try talking to her in a non-confrontational way. Tell her that you understand how hard it is to quit, but it is important to do it for the sake of the baby. If you smoke, quit for her to set a good example. Tell her that you two made the baby, and it is upto both of you to ensure that the baby is healthy. Also tell her that risk of SIDS is higher in a smoking household.

Also, try to contact the doctor or nurse for help. Most states have a special program for expecting mothers trying to quit. See if you can help her get enrolled in there.

Get help from her family and her friends - ask them to be your allies. Let them talk to her about it too. I am sure they will be happy to help out.

Good luck!

Answer 7

You have every right to be concerned. She's making you feel bad for questioning her because it turns the tables. it stops you from questioning her and takes the heat off of her and her stupid decision. It's called "manipulation". She makes it seem like you're the one with the problem, when its obviously her. Lots of people know how to do this.

She sounds like a biotch.

Oh, and when you go to the pediatrician with the child, make sure the doctor notes that your wife did smoke while she was pregnant. This way the doctor can look for any abnormalities at the appropriate times.

Answer 8

The worst thing you can do is get on her back about it. I'm sure she understands that it's not a good idea to smoke while pregnant, but unless you are or have been a smoker yourself, you have NO idea how hard it is to quit. Sometimes the stress of quitting is worse than actually smoking. Get off her back, let her do her own thing and she'll quit on HER terms, not on yours.

Answer 9

You have every right to question her...it's your child too and his/her health is at risk. Is your fiance aware of the risks associated with smoking during pregnancy? The baby could have problems that will affect him/her their entire life because of it.
Try not to be pushy or condescending, but be very up front with your concerns and if she tries to quit, be as supportive as you can be! Unfortuantely, the final decision is hers, but you can help her make the right one. And, if she insists on continuing to smoke, encourage her to cut back as much as she can, and to not smoke the whole cig.

Good Luck 2 You

In response to one of the previous answers, it is total crap that a woman shouldn't quit smoking during pregnancy. The risks of continuing to smoke far outweigh the risks associated with quitting.

Answer 10

I don't condone smoking while pregnant but I did it myself and I know alot of people who also did. All our children are happy and healthy and none were low birthweight. I'm not saying that she should smoke but I just wanted to tell you my experiences.