3 months ago I asked my fiancee for time apart. things were moving fast, marriage was coming, and I thought I needed to think alone. She was very upset, but I insisted and didnt see her for a month. I realized how much I loved and I asked her to take me back. At first she was still angry at me and she was dating someone else. She kept dating him for about 1 week. She eventually forgave me and we are engaged again. Recently I found out that she had sex with the other guy the night before she took me back. She says she wanted to experience him, but that she wanted to teach me a lesson and test my love. She also said wanted the guy was very sweet and she wanted to thank him. She told him she would go back to me, so the last night she admits they did it almost all night, three times. We have talked a lot, about how she was hurt, and I have expressed its ok to tell how she enjoyed the sex. we are back in love and my heart knows that, but I cannot stop my head from being jealous. advice
2007-01-05 00:29:36 · 12 answers · asked by downtokissit 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
Personally I have to wonder about her self-respect to jump right in bed with someone else. Although you were technically broken-up and by your own hand...I think she was still in the wrong to sleep with the other guy, especially if it was mainly to hurt you (although she is human and we handle hurt in the wrong way sometimes)...I would seriously talk to her and make sure she is aware that in relationships feelings may get hurt from time to time and I would not tolerate her sleeping with another man everytime she got hurt...that is not the adult way to handle things...after I had that talk with her to let her know where I stand and how I feel, I would again apologize for hurting her and let it go. If you two took each other back then look at this as a fresh start...forget the past and if you find that you start thinking about it...get up and do something or look at her and count the things that make you love her (in other words, busy your mind until the thought passes). Don't ask about all the details of that night anymore...it will add fuel to your jealous feelings about it...just remember if you want her then you have to get past it...if all else fails couples therapy is an option, although I personally think you can hash it out with your woman just as easy in the privacy of your home...breath...remember you love her and she loves you.
2007-01-05 00:37:42 · answer #1 · answered by Kelly N 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
What did you expect when you ended your engagement to her? Did you think she'd sit on a shelf and just wait for you to get your act together? What were *you* doing in that time? If you had expected her to wait interminably for you, her heart crushed, then obviously you didn't tell her that.
Remember, she hadn't made any marital vow of fidelity at the altar with you, either. When you ended the engagement, you freed her from her promise to be your wife, and you had no claim on her life. Don't blame her for her choices in this interim.
Having sex with someone produces an emotional bond which she will always remember, which is why monogamy is a good ideal. She may have meant to use sex with her other boyfriend as a thank you to him for being nice to her... but she was also using sex with him to hurt you and express the depth of her anger, loss, and vengeance. Obviously, either he or she talked about it and made sure you'd find out.
Should you be jealous of the man who replaced you while you were off getting your act together? You can't stop how you feel, only how you act on your feelings. Feelings are very transient, and they gain or lose power by how much you brood on them. If you decide she truly loves you and will be faithful to you throughout your marriage, then act on what she promises you and don't let the jealousy get stronger.
You need to make a decision if this woman is the right choice for your life. She made a choice to use sex to hurt you, and may do so in the future if your marriage becomes troubled. I would get pre-marital counselling. Most states and religions require it, and you two really need it before cementing your lives together.
2007-01-05 00:53:19 · answer #2 · answered by Mmerobin 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That 'test for love' obviously shows youhow much she really does love you, and how trustworthy she will be. Don't even think of marriage yet. There are many years ahead...you have time to learn more about each other How 'in love' you two really are with each other. Jealousy is an evil thing, don't let jealousy take over. Be yourself! The less u show ANY jealousy (she'll hold on to you then) , the higher of a chance you two will find out if u are meant for each other. Good Luck!
2007-01-05 01:09:04 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best advise I can give you right now is to take your time with this relationship and don't get married too soon. It sounds like the 2 of you have a lot of issues to work through and this will take some time. You both need to feel like you can totally trust each other again. Take time to get to know each other all over again and spend a lot of time working on trust and honesty with each other. Marriage is a lifetime commitment so think long and hard before you jump into it. Good luck to both of you.
2007-01-05 02:38:22 · answer #4 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
"Tests" of love are dangerous and ridicules. I hope you both have learned your lesson on that. Now you both need to heal at all costs. The haunting memories if not left in the past will eat you both up. Try seeing a relationship counselor with you partner so you both can move forward. It's that important that it would be well worth it.
Good Luck
2007-01-05 00:34:53 · answer #5 · answered by Thomas 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
theres no other way to say it but what she did was 110 percent wrong ...no matter how much u like or love sex if u love and respect the person u were going to get married too she would have never dated another guy ....gone to bed with him .....what u have to notice is some ppl want to live a lil more and thats good but if ur going to hurt ppl u love doing it than its not worth it
2007-01-05 00:40:37 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
you may never be able to stop the images she has painted for you which are making you jealous. but at the same time she did nothing wrong. you asked for time apart and sometimes when you take time apart someone else fills your shoes. did you expect her to sit and wait for you while you needed time to think? you should have taken your thinking time before you got engaged.
2007-01-05 00:34:22 · answer #7 · answered by Kelly B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you two need a break. I would not worry about the wedding but focus on your relationship. You have a lot to work out.
2007-01-05 00:32:12 · answer #8 · answered by sigkappsunshine 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You asked for the break
2007-01-05 00:37:11 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You brought it on yourself. You asked for the temporary breakup.
2007-01-05 00:32:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋