i have 2 children a son aged 16 and a daughter aged 4 i split with my sons father as he was violent. met my current partner and had my daughter, my partner has moved away. me and my daughter miss him terribly, i have told him i will come and live with him at the end of the year. my son and he dont like each other,also my son wont go with me. i am torn, my son will leave me in a few years wont he? my daughter needs her father she misses him so much it breaks my heart. i have told my son i want to go, and he has told me he would hate me if i left him, i will try and get one of my family to look after him for me. this is such a dilemma its making me ill, i want to go, but i worry about my son, he sees his father so he wont be on his own as i have a big family, i will come back and visited him as much as i can. am i a bad mother for wanting to go? please help me!!! (its only Devon)
2007-01-04 22:59:48 · 23 answers · asked by ann_jacques 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
no i don't think you are a bad mother. You are trying to follow what your heart is telling you and may be you are trying to find the love which you have not received from your ex-partner, But its up to you to take a decision if you want to stay with your son or you want to live with ur current partner. But i wil surely tell you to move with ur current partner as this will be good for your daughter and you are saying may be your son will leave you in a few years. And then what will you do alone... So better you think well before taking a decision...
Best of luck
2007-01-04 23:09:06 · answer #1 · answered by amar 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i think he's a little bit too young to be left, so what i suggest is, if your partner loves you and your daughter, try getting him to come back until he's 18, 2 years is not that long, you did say that they do not get on, but your partner must put your son in the picture too in order to have you and his daughter, that's what relationships are all about, he may have a daughter to you, but you have a son and theres not much mention of how your son will feel if you leave other than he will be upset, it seems to be all about your little girl, your not a bad parent/mother, you have raised the boy for 16 years, at this age, it's an important time to be there for him, kids of that age need their parents, also you did say that he sees his real dad too? ifyou really really want to go then you have to talk to him an his father together and see if you can sort it out... you are stuck between a rock and a hard place hun, you are the only one who can decide whats best for him, if i were you i would stay till he's 18 and have your partner come over on a regular basis to see his little girl, stay where you are and be with your boy, if you leave him behind he could spiral out of control
2007-01-05 07:22:45 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not a bad mother, only human.
You should put your children first. My dad and mum separated when I was 4, and then due to circumstances I went to a boarding school in a different country at 13. If I was in place of your son I would not understand, why is your man being obvious about his dislike for your son?
If he loves you he should accept your son.
I have a step father and we do not always see eye to eye but he would never make my mother choose. Your children are part of you and your partner could come and see your daughter and make time for both of you.
What I am trying to say is, no you are not a bad mother, you're human and sometimes we have to make very difficult decisions, unfortunately you can't please everyone so you will have to compromise. I don't know the whoIe story but it seems like you have a lot more to loose than your partner and he should move back here.
Moving at 16 would be hard for your son, teenagers tend to stay in their formed groups and it would be hard for him to fit into a new environment. If you leave him, he can potentially go off the rails just to get back at you.
2007-01-05 07:21:52 · answer #3 · answered by Kitty Kat 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You need to do what's best for BOTH your children. And if your son is 16, how does he have a choice whether or not to go with you? And what does it mean when you say that the man doesn't like your son? If he doesn't like and can't put up a good front and provide a loving environment for your son, then he's not doing you any favors, daughter or not. If he's violent or abusive to your son, then none of you should be going.
Sounds like you've got to sit down and TALK with both the son and the daughter's father before you make ANY decisions. The well-being of both your children should come before anything, and that doesn't mean getting someone else in the family to do your job of parenting.
2007-01-05 07:05:09 · answer #4 · answered by Lolly 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
If you can't wait until your son is 18 - which is only two years away, probably less, then you don't think much of your son do you? You say his father was violent - are you taking that out on your son now? Why does your daughter need her father more than your son does? Why not share custody of your daughter with your partner - she could stay with him for part of time and with you for part of the time - as you say, it is only Devon! Your son has probably not had an easy time of it, and your willingness to dump him on the first relative who will take him is suggestive, so perhaps it is time to do the right thing, take responsibility and put someone other than yourself first.
2007-01-05 12:00:10 · answer #5 · answered by Nemesis 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have a responsibility to raise your children until they are capable emotionally, physically and financially to leave you.
DO NOT leave your child for a man (any man). If he was any kind of man at all he would not expect or want you to do this.
As you have seen with your first relationship, relationships with men do not always last, but the mother and child relationships are forever and should be worth everything to you.
Your son NEEDS you at this time of his life. Everyone knows that the teen years are so very important. He needs stability so he can get an education. If you leave, you will be in your sons eyes abandoning him. This will do damage to your relationship which may never be able to be undone!
Also what of your daughter? If she needs her father, he should never have left town. If he truly cared for the two of you he wouldnt have left.
Also, you are teaching her to go chasing a man, no matter how he treats you. Abandoning her big brother to chase a man. Your daughter will copy you later in life. Is this really what you want to teach her? You need to show her that she and her brother come first. Especially to a man who has in effect abandoned you!
Please reconsider. Your son may look like a man, but at 16 he will be devastated that his mother has left him. Your family will not be a good enough substitute. He needs you to keep an eye on him as only a mother can, and most of all to love him!
2007-01-05 07:16:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
You are facing a tough decision but I've been the child on the receiving end of something similar to this i know you think that your son will be OK because he will leave home in a couple of years any way but i urge you to consider this , these couple of years will determine what kind of adult your son will be ! think about this, without being at home will he go to college? get a job ? learn to drive? without you to push him to do it ?Do you really want to leave him under the wing of a violent father? Of course you are not a bad mother you seem to love your kids very much but if you do go be aware your son will feel you are choosing your daughters happiness over his. Good luck
2007-01-05 07:14:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
this is really tough but you have two children and your son knows this man doesnt like him and will assume you have chosen your partner over him,,yes you are right ,he will be gone in a few years time but gone from home,,not from your life,,you have to ask yourself,is the offer on the table for you all to go? or just you and your daughter,,if this is the case your partner is in the wrong for not wanting YOUR son to come too,he cannot be shut out like that.you have to work out if the trouble between them is down to your partner disliking him because of him not being his son,or the fact your son is at a difficult age and doesnt want another man acting like his dad,,you live and have lived your life,,what was the atmosphere like in your home when you were all together,,was the tension aggravated by your partner,your son or both but an adult is an adult and should,if living with another persons child make and take steps to make things work,,it isnt down to the child to do the running.your partner may be your partner forever OR not,,your son is your son for the rest of his and your life and sacrifices have to be made,,life as a parent is hard and gets harder as they age but if you dont expect this there is something wrong.your son is of an age where he knows what he wants more or less but if you made him come too would he? you are his mother and as a child must go where you do unless his father says he can live with him but it may not be any better there,these feelings of abandonment may not go away.you do not say why your partner went away and if you and he decided to split and then the offer was on the table for you and your daughter to go too but without your son then this is wrong,,he cant expect you to do that,,he knew you had a child when he met you and to ask you to choose is or would be terrribly selfish,,,if the move was for something else,say a job opportunity and he expected you all to go,,fine,,your sons choice but as said before,,you live your life,,sit back and look again.children are difficult and a child who feels abandoned or chosen over by another who isnt even 'family' in their eyes may not come to terms with it and this could lead to BIG trouble,,,,,,do consider that if he starts to act very badly when at his fathers,is it at all possible for the father to say,,"enough is enough,,go to your mother",,if that happens is the door open for a child with no home because he will see it that way,that no one wants or wanted him enough to make him priority and that may be a selfish thought but it is also a 16 year olds thought too.you need to talk honestly with all concerned and see if all are in this for the good of everyone else,that all corners have been catered for,that any problems have been thought about if they happen,,you can leave nothing to chance because you only get one.there is no right and wrong apart from what your head and heart tells you and you have to live with any consequences.good luck!
2007-01-05 07:22:12 · answer #8 · answered by lex 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would say stay with the kids BOTH of them and keep lets say date the guy stay nights with the guys some times and keep liven with your children..All honesty Kids are there for life a guys come and go yes you love him and wanna be with him. If he loves you and wants you then he will understand you have to be with your kids until they are OK with you leaven.He might even think of well if it was the daughter the 2 of you had together how would he feel if you left her behind to be with someone else ..But NO your not a bad mother you are doing the best that you can and trying to do the rite thing..
2007-01-05 07:18:12 · answer #9 · answered by april_sundae 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No Ann! on the contrary you sound to me a caring person and you have a terrible dilemma on your hands/ Now i think you should sit down with your son and talk this through and at least get him to say OK mum i understand and i will always love you but he will say he will miss you but time will solve that. your duty is to your partner and little girl and you can build a platform whereby you can keep in constant contact with your son on messenger and cam or email and realise if you don't do it this way when your son eventually meets someone and moves away you are then without anyone so the advice i hope will make it easier for you to make the right decision and that is with your partner and little girl Good Luck Lovey it will work out /give it time
2007-01-05 07:18:10 · answer #10 · answered by srracvuee 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋