We were together for 12 years (the last 2 not too good) and he had an affair. I received a letter 2 weeks before xmas and the **** hit the fan. The strange thing is you would think it had happened to him. He was terrified of losing me. He is begging me to let him prove that he wants me, new house, marriage (at one time his friend had him on suicide watch). I love him but how can I ever trust him, what kind of relationship can you have after something like this. She showed me text messages that he wrote her about loving her and getting married but she also knew he loved me, he says he was just going with the flow, it was an attention thing. I dont know what to do - we have a son and I have 4 children from a previous relationship.
2007-01-04 20:19:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Then this is a really really tough situation, and im not sure that anythign anyone tells you will even be close to the right answer, because we dont know the guy, and deff dont know whats going on in your heart.
But to the best of my knowledge, i would say that chances are he does love you, but 12 years is a long time for a guy to go. Not that, thats a good thing, but for the most part its true.
Now seeing as how kids are involved, you cant really do whats best for "you", you have to consider the kids. Chances are, that he does really love you, but the relationship became to routine for him. Try new things, have open conversation with him, about what he likes, and what you like, things he wants to try, and things you want to try. Keeping a relationship isnt nearly as hard as people tell it to be.
As for trustin him, the only answer is time. I dont want to tell you to babysit him, because that will make things far worse, but you have to find a way to know hes not cheating on you, and messing around. I dont know how big the town you live in is, but word of mouth in any town that ive ever been in, is not reliable.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is let him know that you love him, but that you cant stand the heartahce of him messing around on you, and that you dont want to, but if need be you will leave him.
Other than that, i can only think of a few things to help, but thats prolly the best idea that i can think of, try to scare him out of cheating.
-kirk-
2007-01-04 20:27:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree with a lot of the comments. Only you know what this guy is like. (or at least you thought you did!) The kids are not the issue - you can manage on your own. I left my parnter when I was 3 months pregnant and had another child of 2yrs - you find an inner strenth to deal with this so dont worry about the kids.
Take some time out, ask him to go stay with a friend just for a week/2weeks or however long and then you can get some prospective on the situation.
Some men cheat cos there are problems at home - which you say youve had. Thats not an excuse but some men are weak. Do you think he would do it again. would you ever be able to get over this. You see even if yous stay together it may be niggling you every day and cause more problems.
You need time to think what you want. Believe you are special and deserve someone to treat you that way. If he isnt going to or hasnt done in the past then you are better off alone than being made to feel worthless.
Take care - I hope it works out for the best, whichever way that is :)
2007-01-04 20:41:53 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you've been together for 12 years and the last 2 years were not so good - was this because he was having the affair, or did he have the affair because the past 2 years were not so good? If the answer is the second, then his affair was an escapist thing. If the answer is the first, then he caused the last 2 years to be not so good ...
Then you can think about whether his behaviour was attention-seeking or merely controlling.
Liker other answerers, I think that you have to figure it out for yourself, but either way make the fecker WORK for it, always keeping at the back of your mind the question of whether you really do need him in your life or not.
Best of luck.
2007-01-04 22:05:38 · answer #3 · answered by Orla C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men do go a bit funny at a certain age. Send him to the GP and go with him. Try to sort out some counselling for his mental health problems, and see if you can get some marriage guidance counselling. I really think its worth a try to attempt to salvage a relationship that has lasted 12 years. You have so much water under the bridge and so much history. It seems a shame to throw it away without a fight. I know for you things will never be the same because you most likely feel a sort of bereavement of the trust you once had. However sex isn't the same as love.
2007-01-05 00:03:12 · answer #4 · answered by : 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Never make a decision like this by bringing the kids into it. This is way past "should I stay with him because of the kids?" He is a liar, a cheat, and obviously an unstable person. Kick him to the curb and find someone else (but don't have any more kids). I say that last part, because you have way too many kids to think about and you are not making good choices when it comes to men. And since that might continue, don't bring more children into the world while you are in unstable relationships. Five is plenty.
2007-01-04 20:25:36 · answer #5 · answered by truthseeker221 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This really has to be your one decision hunni, only you know whether this relationship is worth saving. Men are funny things and can get jealous and feel left out if kids and house seem to be getting more attention than they do - hence why they fall willingly into the arms of someone else. I am not suggesting for one minute that this is anything to do with you or your fault.......men feel so badly done to and don't realise what they've got till it's gone.
Anyway, if I where you I would sit down with your man and talk about how you both feel, felt, and what you want for the future......take it a step at a time and just see what happens!
good luck
2007-01-04 20:28:03 · answer #6 · answered by EMA 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well after reading this I remembered what my sister went threw with her husband. He too did that to her and begged her to stay. She did, it took a bit for her to come back, but the trust thing was WAYYY earned by him. She never put harsh rules on him or anything like that. She just wanted him to be truthful with her about what he wanted. You as well need to realize what you want. I am on my second marrage. My first wife cheated on me and I was not so forgivng like my sister was. Trust is a very hard thing to get back, and just as hard to give when you've been jaded like that.
I had to realize my wants and needs. If you can't trust him then you should reconsider you options.
2007-01-04 20:37:19 · answer #7 · answered by gord's360 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get counseling. That will work out a lot of problems, and help you understand better. Sounds like he wants two ladies. I would take a step back, and go with the counseling.
2007-01-05 03:06:47 · answer #8 · answered by shy skye 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't ever trust him again. If getting a new house is that important to you, then give this liar another chance. Make sure he gets tested for STDs.
2007-01-04 20:23:57 · answer #9 · answered by ginger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you will never be able to trust him again and he will continue with the lies, thats what happened when I gave my ex chance after chance. It is hard but you have to accept him the way he is and you deserve better
2007-01-04 22:26:59 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋