I am insomniac, my husband has sleep apnea....as you can see we are completely differnet....how do we cope?

Question

He works days, 6am- 4 pm. Has sleep apnea. I work nights, 4.30pm- 11 pm. I am insomniac. How do we get over these fights??
I get upset cause i dont want him takeing so many naps, not only cause i am coinvinced that it makes his condition worse, but clearly we hardly ever see each other. I wish that instead of wanting to take a nap in ever free second he has that we could atleast do something together. Also i ***** cause i wish he would stay up later on weekends,....he wants to go to sleep at 10.30 pm like a usual work night, but then sleeps till 12.30 pm in the afternoon.
He gets mad cause i come home from work, stay up till 2-3am and then eventually with time fall asleep. I never take naps, get up around 10.30 am usually with the kids etc....
HOw can we both be happy and get over this butting heads conditions of ours?? It really does start alot of fights. I wish we could find a solution! Any help, or ppl in the same position?

O.k. you guys make me sound like a completely clueless wife. Like i dont know what sleep apnea is, geeze, i am married to the guy. I am not retarded. He does have a Cpap machine, but he doesnt use it. Plus he smokes like a chimney. So before you think its all me and i should lay off,....realize thats not the case. So to make it more obvious to everyone else:
Yes i know what sleep apnea is, i am the one who told him about it!
Yes i know nagging doesnt help, but i also read that 7 hours or so of sleep on the machine minus daily naps will be better for him in the long run....Anyways just thought i would clear that up. I am not stupid i know what the condidtion is....better then he does actually. Like i said, i had to coinvince him for two years to go to the Dr.

Answer 1

I'd recommend separate beds to begin with, or perhaps a change of jobs for one or the other of you.

My question would be why your husband is sleeping so much in the first place. Constantly sleeping like that is sometimes a sign of depression. With all the other turmoil in your life and in your relationship, depression certainly wouldn't be a wild call. I know it's hard, but try to really listen to him to find out if this isn't all about something much deeper than sleep issues.

Other than that, each of you should try to come up with a couple of compromises to help each other out. You could try crawling back into bed with him on Saturday morning and waking him up in a more pleasant way, and letting him have a nap once in a while if he'll agree to lie in bed with you for 15 minutes for some "play" time (which could be anything from sex to backrubs to just snuggling for a bit) until he falls asleep.

I know that I used to get very irritated with my ex-husband because he never had any energy and was constantly falling asleep on the couch in front of the t.v. set. He was also a snorer, which didn't help our lovelife much, either. These things seemed like a sign of weakness and intellectual laziness to me at the time. But the truth is that there were deeper issues, such as his refusal to assist me with the kids and my desire for a more intellectually active life, that were truly at work. Needless to say, we did not resolve our issues and we are divorced now. If you don't want your marriage to end the same way, you need to look into some counseling a.s.a.p. for both of you.

Best of luck.

Answer 2

My husband has sleep apnea, I am a night owl.
he goes to bed at 9pm every night. I am up and it's 1am.

I wear earplugs when he does or doesn't have his c-pap on.
he likes to rest and then put his c-pap on after 20 minutes in bed.
Cool-- i can turn the machine on and put it on his face, and when the air hits his face he pulls it onto his head!!
(((this really works for me))))

We also have Saturdays we do our own thing day
Sundays it's ME&HIM time.
We've been married 28 years, so this works for us.
Get off his back! I hate being nagged about being up till dawn!
He knows he has irradic sleep. Nagging never fixed that.

What is important is that you 2 get into a nice comfortable routine.
Make Sunday your Date Day, and Saturday each of your own days to do your own thing, and errands, no questions asked be home before the sunsets, and He can B-B-Q or you can pick up take out. OR break the Saturday am for him and the kids, and afternoon you and the kids, thus giving you both time with kids alone, and time away from one another.
looking forward to a quality Sunday of just you and me time, (even with kids) and planning what you are gonna wear, where you are gonna go, do, etc. is like dating all over again.

Find out what you liked about one another in the first place, and find the love!!!

this issue is a lot deeper than a c-pap rem sleep! get the pun?

What do you 2 still like about each other?
When can you do that together.
Can you get someone to watch the kids?

This is a good one-- turn off your bad ear and only hear positive things!
AND then bite your tounge -- only let positive things come out of your mouth. *It may sound fake at first, but it really worked for me! I was gagging over my words and he thought i was so sweet!! It works if you work it!

it's all about attitude.
you chose your mood, your attitude and how you treat people.
Would you want to be him if he were you??? hummmmmm?

Answer 3

I have severe sleep apnea and sleep is very precious to me. Because people with sleep apnea are so sleep deprived (they stop breathing and wake up after a pause in their hearts) that they can't help but be tired all the time. SO your nagging him not to take naps won't help the situation at all. He really does need what sleep he can get. AND when he is sleeping, he is not getting adequate rest. I think your insomnia is from the stress you have in your life. If you can't accept the fact that he'll probably be tired and taking naps most of your married life then get a divorce. Because asking him not to sleep so often is very selfish of you. Your husband needs to try to get a CPAP machine and start getting treatment for his sleep apnea. If he gets properly adjusted to a good mask and learns to adapt to his machine at night then he'll feel much more refreshed when he awakens and then won't have to take naps as often.

Answer 4

I thought sleep apnea was when one would stop breathing during a certain stage of the sleep cycle.

So would think your insomnia would compliment the apnea. I had a friend that had to stay up at night and wake her husband if his breathing stopped for longer than 90 sec.

Well, perhaps I am wrong on the name of what he had.. Now is it narcolepsy where a person just nods off to sleep without warning?

If you are fighting over "sleep" then get a divorce. (smiles) Should be bigger fish to fry ... save it for the big ones.

GOOD LUCK

Answer 5

get him to a Dr. sleep apnea can kill you..he needs a sleep test and a breathing machine for sleeping..he can't help falling asleep during the day as he is not sleeping well @ night.keeps waking up to breathe, altho he is unaware he is waking up..I also have sleep apnea, now have a cpap machine and hardly ever take an afternoon nap..makes a world of difference. As for you you sound perfectly normal..who can come right home from work and go straight to bed..not me and I worked evenings for 33 years.

Answer 6

I imagine the job situation is making it worse. My husband and I both sleep little but at different times. I stay at home with the boys so I am here when he gets home but he goes to bed about 10pm and then I go to bed around 2 or 3 am and then he is getting up about 3 or 4 am sometimes we meet each other on the way haha. By the time I get back up he's at work. It isn't really a problem for us though we spend time together when he first gets home until he goes to sleep then I clean or surf and just have ME time while everyone's sleeping once I go to bed he gets his "him" time. Is there any way one of you could switch your work schedules around? It would probably make a huge difference!

Answer 7

I will tell you from experience. Your husband has a serious condition. He is not "napping" all the time because he wants to. He is suffering from lack of sleep. He must never experience R.E.M. sleep (Rapid Eye Movement). This is the stage where he needs to be in order for him to start recovering from the effects of not sleeping.....
If you know he has this, help the poor guy and get him to a Doctor so he can participate in a sleep study.

If you have already done this, get him a c-pap or bi-pap machine. That sorry SOB needs sleep. Stop harassing him. He can develop serious illnesses from this if it is left untreated.

Here is more info:
http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/apnea.html

Good luck.

Answer 8

I wish I knew the answer! I'm in the same boat! I've just always been a night person and my BF is an early to bed, early to rise person. He's ready to go to bed at 10:30 and that's when my night is just beginning! He snores which makes it worse for me when I do ever get tired and try to go to sleep....usually around 3 am. I'll be looking back at other answers to see what others say!

Answer 9

Frustration arising out of different career timings is playing havoc in many lives. You need to think of acquiring such jobs where both of you will have the same working hours so that you have the spare for each other. You should see each other. You need to take time off for sight seeing etc. If it is impossible to have such jobs, either of you may decided to quit the job, nothing is more precious than harmony in conjugal life. With some minor adjustment you can easily manage your family.

Answer 10

you join a night shift job..... or get married to an insomnic person