We are on the verge of divorce, advise please.?

Question

I am 19 yrs old, my husband 23. Been married 8 mnths, Im pregnant with our second baby. I have always wanted to own a house and one day want to save saving for a deposit, my husband flat out says he doesnt want to buy a house as it means he has to work fulltime and he never wants to, says he wants to spend all his time with his kids because he has a pension and doesnt want to loose it. His parents encourage him to stay on the pension and only work 15 hrs a wk and if he does we will never buy a house, I want to take my kids travelling to see places and he doesnt want to. We just have such different dreams and its really causing problems, Im not scared to work fulltime for the things I want as well as seeing my kids as much as possible and he wants at least 4 kids, I want max 3. Im ready to break up as he doesnt encourage what I want but I really dont want our kids to grow up with their parents apart, what do you think?

Answer 1

Sounds like you're husband is just lazy... if you've expressed how you feel and what you want and he still doesn't want to support his family, then you deserve better. If he knows how youre feeling and doesn't care to change his ways, then it sounds like he is not only lazy, but selfish too. You are young and it seems like you know what you want out of life for you and your children... I say, try again to get your husband to listen to your needs and if he won't compromise with you, move on to something that works better for you and your kids. :) good luck.

Answer 2

If possible, stay together for the kids. Someone else answered that sometimes it is best for children to grow up with their parents apart but this ought to be saved for cases of abuse or similar situations that would put the children at risk of significant harm. In other words, the risks must outweigh the benefits. But kids deserve to have their parents together if possible, they do better in life as a result, and research has concluded this 100 times over. So try marriage counseling. I suppose there comes a point where you can do no more, but I think you should go all out to keep your kids in a house with a mommy AND daddy. You're young too which makes it a very difficult situation as younger newlyweds are most at risk of divorce. Good luck.

Answer 3

i find it amazing that you never found out this before you got married or preganant sounds like you got married because you were preganant which is not a reason he also is not a good role model 4 your children stay with this guy and you will work hard and have nothing to show 4 itas even if you buy ahouse and manage to pay it off he may then leave you taking half the house Guys like this want houses and travelbut dont want to work 4 it want it given too them you wont change his thinking as he has loser parents and sadly your kids have loser dad and grand parents as you sound like you have wonderful parents as you have agood sense of what you want take more care in choosing a partner as now you have kids he will be apart of your life 4 ever do yourself and kids a favour make him a small part how does he expect to feed a family on a pension as kids would rather have a quality life than see their dad everyday i suppose he can play sims with them on playstation

Answer 4

You married the guy and have kids with him. You just can't run out for such a silly excuse. Just think how well off the kids will be with two full time parents spending much time with them together. Wow, what some kids would give for such a life. Stop thinking about yourself and think about your kids. Owning a home is not as wonderful as you think. Owning two well adjusted kids is far more valuable than any home. You are lucky dear!!!

Answer 5

it would have been easier to break up when you don't have kids. remember it is always hard on the kids not the parents. but obviously he is very lazy. so he values the pension more than the house? first time i've heard of such thing.

well you have to make the difficult decision. stay with him but no house, or leave him. but before you do anything drastic, think of the kids and what can be the best solution with the least harm to them.

Answer 6

Wow tough situation. We all have something tough in our lives so I guess if it makes you feel better, you are not alone. Two kids are plenty. Since you are willing to have three, I guess thats a compromise if you can afford to raise them all which all parents do it just takes more work. He needs to work full time in order for you to have a house. Since he doesn't want to, well I guess theres nothing you can do to force him for it may make matters worse and he won't work full time if he doesn't want to. So the dream of you having your house for now will not come true. Traveling is expensive; for now, that will not come true. Maybe in the future when you can really afford it. If you are willing to work full time, that will be okay as long as you find care for your children. About the different dreams that you two have, since you are married, it's about compromise and its impossible in a marriage for both totally different people to get what they want all the time. You are young and you can have your house when you two save up more money and you can travel when you can afford it and when your children get older (your second child hasn't even been born yet). Just wait and be patient. Your husband hopefully will one day mature and work full-time. In the mean time stay where you are at and withold travel plans for the future.

Answer 7

I stupidly stayed with the father of my children because I didn't want them to be without their father. WRONG! It did them more harm than good. You deserve to be happy & so do your children you can survive without him. Get on with your life. It's sad to see that obviously your husband is still tied to mummy's apron strings. It sounds like he is the biggest baby out of the lot. Go for your dreams otherwise you will regret it for the rest of your life. You are so young and I am a bit surprised that neither of you discussed this before getting married. Be a winner not a loser.

Answer 8

I've been married for a year and it has been the roughest year in my life. I've almost gone thru with a divore 3 times. Marriages are very hard, especially if you both have conflicting views. Your children are the # 1 priority so think of them in any decesion you make.

Answer 9

You were too young to marry a man you weren't sure of. Moreover, you would have been wise to discover these differences between the two of you before you had two children. You've make a mistake that may haunt you for the rest of your life.

Answer 10

I'm all in favor of eveybody having as much of what they want out of life as they can get and of having their family's support. In your situation, the goals, interests, and desires are soooo wide, I think you ought to think long and hard about all the good reasons for calling it quits. If necessary, make a pro and con list.

Among my reasons for saying this: Do you really want to model for your kids the idea that they should just "make do", :"just get by", have no ambition and no plan for THEIR life?

What if they're not as lucky such that they get a pension so that they, too, can take life more leisurely? We should all be so lucky to be able to get a pension at such a very prematurely young age. Alternatively, we should all be holding a winning lotto ticket in our fat little fists as we come down the birth canal....

You're young and you're thinking like a normal, average young person. Your husband is young, but he's a very old 23. So, are you ready to live the rest of your life as the wife of a retired man, a retired man of leisure?

Are you ready to live a sedentary life? Oh, wait, with 4 children under foot, I forgot that you won't have much of a life for yourself or during your retirement years--you're too busy keeping hubby company, keeping house, and chasing after kids, more kids than you want at that.

Unfortunately, the talk about what you both envision for your lives, as individuals and as a couple, apparently didn't happen before you had kids, much less got married. More kids will only tie you down, not him (even if he's a great father and really cares about them).

While a blessing, children are always much more of a burden to their mothers and disproportionately so--socially, physically emotionally. And, financially, even if he's supporting them all and you half-way decently, you must still worry about what happens if something drastically changes and/or happens to him. You must still question, especially if you don't have a money source of your own, how would you make it? Can you make it? If he decides to divorce YOU, HOW can you make it?

Now you're playing catch-up, but he so far will not compromise. This doesn't sound promising, especially if his parents are getting a say so in what YOUR life, and your married life together is going/is supposed to look like. Absolutely give marriage counseling a go, several go's bc young children are involved.

Overall, I think that it's very important to show kids that there's a world "out there" beyond just "getting by". It will make a big difference as they learn to discover who they are, what they are meant for in this world, what they want to be. Yes, they'll get an idea from books, from TV, from school, and from you, but how much better if you can actually take them and show them first hand? Expose them to as much of what life has to offer so they can intelligently chose their own path? Intelligently know what their choices might be?

Your husband's vision for his life is very narrow and at his young age, that's a shame. He won't just be cheating his kids, he's already cheated himself and seems content to continue in this way and cheating you too in the process. Wow. 43 years to his official retirement age. Can YOU continue to live this way for 46?

Will that pension last forever? Not all necessarily do. If he dies next week, how will you support yourself and the kids? What will his death or absence mean for you and the kids? Is that pension still coming to you in the same amount?

If you are going to/really want to break up, and I totally agree with that, I can't emphasize enough the need to plan your moves very, very carefully and in advance--in terms of child support and what kind of job you're skilled/educated for at present. I strongly suspect that you haven't finished your education--or at least have not gone to college or a trade school and you need to get busy.

Definitely do the math and while you're at it, start socking a dollar here, a five there into an account in your name only or a cookie jar that absolutely no one knows of or is able to find. In the meantime, never, ever, EVER miss a day on your birth control pills, always check to confirm that your diaphragm has NO holes before you wear it,.... You know the drill.

You, more than anyone, have a right, resposibility, and many appropriate, important reasons to control your fertility in a situation where there is such extensive disagreement on life, lifestyle, and on how many children to have. Talk about being "unequally yoked"!!!

Being a single mom is hard, but not impossible. Living comfortably as a single mom can be near to impossible, but it is not entirely IMpossible. Enroll in school now for the next semester after the baby has arrived. He can keep the kids and spend all the time he wants to with them that way.

The most important thing is that you will be developing a life and an identity for yourself that YOU want, YOU chose, and which suits YOU if he won't compromise or support that. It will also enable to get and stay employed, if not get a better job with which to support yourself and your kids as a single mom if need be.

And, besides, if you can only afford as a single mom to have them traveling to the next county or to get them exploring the next state, the important thing is to get and keep their imaginations and ideas churning. If you can do that all, then do it. I think that that's a damn sight better than their never leaving the neighborhood, much less the block, to see what and who else is out there. And it beats their not having any ambition whatsoever to do so bc their father refuses to show them or model such behavior.

Custody agreement is not a dirty phrase and visitation is not a dirty word. On the other hand, a chronically unhappy wife, in a disappointing marriage can easily turn you into a miserable and/or bitter mother and that would be a real shame and a dirty crime--if only because that is what you've taught your children.

Good luck.