plz help! i don't think i have any expectations of my husband because i don't want to be mad/sad when the expectations will/or won't be met...so i have decided not to have any expectations of him and so my head doesn't go crazy thinking of stupid things. to avoid conflict i suppose...plz give me a thoughtfull answer. p.s. my husband is mad at me when he heard this that i dont have any expectations of him. plz tell me what is going on in his head cuz he even won't tell me!
2007-01-04 19:14:55 · 9 answers · asked by Legant 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i m not a doormat i voice my opinions proudly and clearly. i m an open book to him.
2007-01-05 03:28:47 · update #1
A friend/co-worker of mine first told me when we met that he didn't have any expectations of others. I didn't understand him, but I realized over time that I was always complaining that people did not act the way I expected them to. At work I always expected them to act logically, professionally, like grown-ups and they didn't and it made me insane.
I now try really hard to not expect people to act in any way other then they do. It may sound circular, but if some acts like an asshole one day, I do/try not expect them to either continue acting like one tomorrow, or not act like one. I guess "not expecting" means "accepting"? And "accepting" means that the other person is the way they are, period. Regardless of what you want/expect from them, they are who they are and will be who they are.
Maybe your "not having expectations" the way you describe it doesn't mean that, maybe it means that you aren't expecting yourself to worry?
In any case, it's good that you want to make thing smoother in your life and marriage. Maybe you can see a counselor alone or with your husband so you can just talk things out and both understand your line of thought and each other.
Good luck, it's not easy working on a relationship, even when you are trying to make things easier :)
2007-01-04 19:31:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think I may know where you're coming from... for years I would go along with his way of thinking without voicing any opinions of my own. After nearly 20 years of knowing each other (15 married) I finally came to my senses and realized that it is not acceptable to not expect anything from him just so that I won't be let down. Why expect him to do anything around the house, keep a job or help with the kids, when the disappointment is very probable?
We are now (finally) in counselling, and after having him move out (a reality check for him) he is now back and getting his chance to show me that he will be a man, stop being an a$$, take some responsibility and do his fair share. I say this all because I may have waited too long to realize that something needed to be done. This last chance is not a guarantee that we will stay together, but it is a chance.
Now we talk about things more, and I actually got a Christmas gift this year and have gotten a few bouquets of fresh flowers.
I don't know if this helps at all or not, but it's my experience. Years of being a doormat is hard to get over. Be opinionated, let him and others know what you think, don't be afraid to disagree with people, stand up for yourself and believe in yourself.
Take care.
2007-01-05 08:10:21 · answer #2 · answered by Genie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am not saying this to be mean, but to be honest. He is mad because to not have any expectations of him tells him you are not the "prize" that he thought he was getting when he married you and you think he is a worthless piece of crap that has not aspirations if you will be a dormat and put up with whatever the situation is; you are not only not encouraging him to be the best that he can be, you are pretty much telling him "you are worthless, so why bother".
For starters, hopefully, you at least expect that he will be faithful because he made a vow to honor you before God and put everyone else asunder. If you don't have any respect for yourself, you cannot expect him to have respect for you in the long run. Reasonable expectations in any relationship are not only needed, but are required so each person knows what the other expects.
If you don't set parameters, eventually he will seek out someone who will.
2007-01-05 03:21:53 · answer #3 · answered by bottleblondemama 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand this sooo well! I am passed the no expectations, I am to the point where I expect disappointment from my husband. I am willing to put money on it that it will just get worse. It didnt' work with my hubby, but I would try talking to him about it and telling him why you feel that way. Try some counseling and maybe even reversing roles IE make him fix dinner and wash the dishes for a full week.
Good luck!!
2007-01-05 07:41:24 · answer #4 · answered by Jessie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well of course he's upset. You're married. You're supposed to rely on EACH other for your life together. How depressing you sound saying that you don't expect anything from him.
Why did you marry him if you're so nonchalant about it all?
If I were married, I would expect my spouse to be committed to me, faithful, loyal, loving, concerned for my well being, romantic and sexual, protective and honest, tender and forgiving and so on.
You need to look inside and see what it is you really are willing to give him so you can SHARE your life with him, and he with you. Time to make up your mind. If not, I would not have married him.
I hope you can start talking to each other more and work this out.
2007-01-05 03:22:37 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
We teach people how to treat us by our voiced exceptations. If we deny we have expectations, we are inviting folks to treat us like doormats. You asked for a thoughtful answer... Without sounding trite...may I suggest watching some Dr. Phil?
2007-01-05 03:21:55 · answer #6 · answered by Serena M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can kind of relate because i no someone very close to me who gets like that, there very upset and they don't tell anyone and then they throw temper fits.but the best thing to do is either talk to him with a councler. Because everyone has expectations you have to meet.
2007-01-05 03:19:49 · answer #7 · answered by allie b. 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He wants to know what you want and need. It's okay for a wife to have some expectations like respect and support. He wants to keep you happy and maintain a healthy marriage.
2007-01-05 03:30:35 · answer #8 · answered by missprissy1004 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
place your expectations on yourself.
you are right about not having expectations on him - and he is a wuss for wanting YOU to take responsibility for doing so !!
most marriages fail because we want the OTHER to do what WE should - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
2007-01-05 03:51:44 · answer #9 · answered by luckylady 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋