My daughter wants to know.......?

Question

My daughter is 12 years old and has been "Going out" with the same boy for 7 months. He has called her father and I gay and other kinds of names and he gets mad at her when she shares her pictures with other boys she goes to school with and seems very controlling. I have tried to get her to break up with him but she refuses. What do you think she should do and do you think I am over-reacting? I hate for her to start a pattern of putting up with controlling and verbally abusive men at the young age of 12. Please give her any advice any of you have and be nice, she'll be reading this. Thanks.

There are alot of boys who would love to go out with her.

She is NOT dating, it's just a figure of speech guys!

Answer 1

Hi! I just want to start of by saying,you a very lucky girl,your mom cares alot about you and she only wants the best for you,and she has a very real reason to be worried.But knowing what it was like to be a young girl,not to long ago at all (im in my 20's) I know that it is somtimes hard to understand or even belive what your mom is saying.Its great that you have a boyfriend first off,I didn't have my first boyfriend until the I was 14 so congrats on that!But the thing your mom seems to be worried about is your boyfriends behavior.What attracts you to the boys you like?Are they funny,smart....CUTE?LoL (laughing out loud).
Yea I remember that!Most middle school boys arn't on the same level as the girls so their looks is somtimes all you gotta go on huh?Lol.
Well in your situation you may have found somone REALLY cute,but from what I read he is not giveing you or your family the respect you deserve.And thats not cool.By seeing that your mom is very concerned I would bet you are a very smart and sweet girl,and that means you deserve the best guy you can get!When you date a guy,espically if he really likes you,and your planning to bring him home,he should have the upmost respect to your family,because they are who deside who is welcome in your life and who is not,even if you can still see him at school (I know thats what your thinking LOL).
Some guys will walk in and be as nice as pie to your parents because they were raised right,some will fake it.But this guy seems to have brought neither.How he acts tward your parents,and in public for that matter DOES reflect how he will treat you.And by calling your parents gay,that is disrespectful,and honestly this reflects that he may talk bad about you (He may do it to your face and he could do it behind your back,I know,I know,I know,Guys suck!).
I bet you took a nice school picture this years,I bet everyone was trading them at school as soon as you got them huh?Ya well thats cool,not unless you have a boyfriend who gives you an evil look everytime you pass one to a male friend.This is was alarms me.This behavior is not normal.It may just be pictures but this behavior can grow into many diffrent things.It may just start a pictures,then its talking to a male friend (even if its just asking for those science notes you missed).Next thing you know hes following you to each class and sitting next to you at lun- oh wait never mind that normal!
But truly controlling behavior is not cool or normal,and the sad chances are he will be that way for the rest of his life,and that also means it only gets worse.And what does this all mean for you?You know that it won't last forever(this relationship ,so whats it to you?Well just like his controlling beahvior,if you start dating guys like this now,thats all you will ever go after.How do I know that?-I was that person.It starts out like this,whats happening to you right now.You break up and you think its all in the past.So you have a whole new swarm of guys to choose from,somhow you get the one of the swarm thats the same way.Its hard to explain how it happens,it just does.After a few of these relationships with guys like this,you may find a great person,but it won't last,becuase you fell at that point that you don't deserve anything better because you will have been told it so many times.Its easier to break the habbit before it even starts.So what do you look for then?Well for starts lol someone cute,but then look beyond that.Look for somone who is friendly,has male and female friends,look for somone who does their best at everything they do,someone who respects teachers and the other students,look for somone that laughs alot and can make you laugh!You know what im talking about!You are a good girl and you deserve the BEST!You don't let anyone ever tell you diffrently!(Pay attention durring spelling lessons too,I didn't and now I can't spell LOL)
Be proud of who you are,and find someone who knows and cares about what you are about!You date the right guys now,you will marry the right guy later!I sure did!I found someone who loves me for me,as the same values as me,respects my parents and the rest of my family,he is a all around good person,an im not ashamed to take him anywhere!LOL.
But hun your moms right,get you a new man.You can do soo soo soooooo much better!My love goes out to ya!Good LUCK!

Answer 2

Well, you could ask her what it is that she really likes about this boy... Why does she want to stay him if he's being nasty?
Make sure he is not blackmailing her or anything. It happens a lot these days... Boys who threaten to tell the whole school he slept with her or something like that. Even if it isn't true.
And if she truely likes him and wants to stay with him for a while, then respect her choice, but ask her to talk to him about the things he says and does.

7 months is a really long time when you are 12. Still... Explain her that people do not meet their true love at the age of 12, that it's healthier to have different experiences, to know more people and to learn from all that. Even if it's frightening sometimes.
Staying with the same boy at the age of 12 is almost like not leaving your backyard, just because you feel safe there...

But imagine what you're missing out on!

Answer 3

kids date at 12? ****...i'm old. I',m not too sure how to handle this but I think as a parent if some little punk is verbally abusing my daughter then I would not allow her to see this kid. She's 12 and you are the parent. Explain to her that this is not acceptable to let someone treat her that way. You are already letting her date so let her know that at 12 thats a priveledge that can be taken away. If you allow her to date so young then let her know she needs to show you she's responsible and has good judgement otherwise no dating until shes older and more mature. Take control of the situation. I kknow it's a hard balancing act because you don't want to push her away but you MUST do what's best for her. Be a parent 1st and a friend 2nd.

Answer 4

There are pleantly of "fish in the sea". Keep your standards high, and this should include respect of the parents. One good thing to look for is how he treats his mother (because in the same respect that's how he will eventually treat you). I have had so many of my friends hurt by a controling boy. They are not worth the time or effort and you deserve sooooo much more than that. You need a guy that's going to be supportive, love your parents and his own, and give you some space and freedom. This guy that you're with seems to be fairly unstable. Any guy that puts down your parents isn't worth anything, he is very disrespectful. Please understand, I have seen my fair share of these kinds of relationships, and I'm only 18. They never end up good. Dump him and find a quality guy :)

Answer 5

My sister-in-law just recently left her husband of 30-some years. During their marriage, he came unglued anytime she wanted to become something more than just his wife. Despite the opposition from the one who should have been her helpmate through the years, she did manage to get her education and become a pharmacist.

Her husband didn't like that she could work, so he kept her from working at that.

She tried real estate next. She's a full broker, now, and that was just too much. She has finally found her way clear to leave him.

During their marriage, he consistently required that all things should be in his name -- the house, the cars -- anything with enough value to require a name. Oh, and this includes credit cards and checking accounts.

So, now she is striking out on her own with no checking account (she just opened one this week) and no credit cards and not even any credit built in her name. She has to rent a place. She can't buy it, even though she makes enough, because she doesn't have any credit.

So, maybe your daughter will never have to live her own life and she'll be just fine with this controlling loser she seems to care for. The boy obviously has no respect for anybody, including her.

One thing in her favor is that she's only 12. Maybe she'll be lucky and he'll move on before he hurts her any deeper than he already has by restricting her individuality.

She's 12. She has so many things to learn about who she is and what she wants from life.

I hope she won't throw away her life to live under this creep's thumb (or any other).

I also have another friend who finally left her controlling and abusive husband after raising a bunch of kids. The husband killed his next girl-friend because she evidently didn't know, as my friend had learned, how to roll with the punches.

Good luck to you and to your daughter. I hope she'll open her eyes before he maims or kills her. It's in the cards.

Answer 6

Ultimately, the parent is responsible for the child. No, I don't think you're over reacting. While I'm sure you want your daughter to be happy, you know what is best for her emotionally. If the boy calls her parents names (is this to your face?), who knows what else he does. That doesn't show emotional maturity or respect on his part. If he's controlling or over-jealous at this point, chances are it will only get worse and your daughters self-esteem will be what suffers.
To be fair, you could sit down and discuss your concerns with both of them present. You could say if those behaviors do not change then you will have no choice but to break them up. Of course, your daughter may just resent you for saying that but you have to do what is best. Personally, I wouldn't sit down and discuss it with them. I wouldn't let my daughter date anyone for 7 months at age 12, even if he was a super-nice boy, but that's just me.
If she refuses to break up with him, just know you can always change her school. You are in control when she's out of school as far as phone calls and visits go. If she has a cell phone, I advise taking it away (this is if it doesn't get better and you must put an end to her seeing this boy).
I know someone at work whose child was hanging out with the wrong kids at school. She took the child out & homeschooled the child and then transfered her to another school. That took care of that problem.

Answer 7

Are you kidding? 12 years old? She may think she's grown up, but she is a child. Children should not be 'dating', they have no idea why they are. Then, they just get into trouble. She'll probably be pregnant by the time she is 14. She doesn't know it, but she is wrecking her chances of finding true happiness and lasting love when she does want to settle down. But that won't be for like *10* years!! Life is not about the opposite sex, it's not about who has the best boyfriend. Tell her to get a life, and ditch the boys for at least 4 more years. And for sure ditch the guy she's with now.

YOU are the parent. You need to put your foot down. You are a better judge of boys at this age than she is, and you know what is best for her. She is your responsibility.

My heart goes out to you!

Answer 8

Life is too short to settle at any time - if he doesn't make you feel great 80% of the time (particularly at 12 years old) ditch him. Empower yourself by saying "I am too good for this kind of treatment". If you don't want to just ditch him, then tell him. If he continues to treat you disrespectfully, then ditch him.

Of course, in high school, gay means lame more than anything else and it could be that your mother isn't hip with the scene (I know my day is coming with my girls) but she only has your best interest at heart. Every relationship that you have helps refine your search for an ideal mate in the long run - and no one who loves you can stomach the idea that you might learn to settle or just put up with disrespectful behavior (particularly so early in the dating game). Aim for the stars, if you only hit the moon you will still be better off then if you never left the ground.

Peace!

Answer 9

Sounds like your daughter is a beautiful and kind girl (otherwise the boys wouldn't be looking her way, nor would she tolerate anyone treating her badly!). In any case, if she lived in my home, she would not be allowed to "go out" with one boy until she was 16. Going out with a group of friends (boys/girls) to the movies every once and awhile is absolutely ok though! My three daughters were always told to enjoy middle school and high school by hanging with their friends. There is (and has been) plenty of time for relationships once you begin college (and college boys are much cuter!). Best to tell this boy that her mother and father have told her she can't "go out" with guys until she's 16. And don't allow him to make you feel guilty (because he will try). Take care...

Answer 10

A guy who knocks a girl's parents (when he probably doesn't really know them very well at all) and who tries to control what she does is a LOSER. Verbal abuse is only one step away from physical abuse; a girl who puts up with one will soon be putting up with the other. I don't think mom is over-reacting at all; daughter needs to show this jerk the door NOW. There are lots better guys out there; find one, because you deserve MUCH better.

Answer 11

Sit her down and explain to her how he doesn't act respectful toward her, and her family.

The earlier she learns this the better off she will be as a teen and as an adult. You don't want her to be controlled when she's 17 or when she's 30 and her husband becomes abusive. Stop this now and she'll know in the future how a real boy (or man) should treat his girlfriend/wife and his inlaws.