How do I get rid of so much resentment?

Question

I hate that my husband looks at porn. I have never told him no when he's wanted sex, I dress up sexy for him when he comes home I do all the stupid positions he wants to try and all I keep thinking about is that he only wants that because he saw it in a porno and it makes me want to cry. He won't give it up, he says that I'm just insecure but I've tried to be okay with it, I tried watching it with him I've tried everything. I don't know what else to do. He's even made me leave the house so that he can do it. He is a really good person aside from this but I really feel like he is ruining the intimacy in our marriage with this and I'm sick of crying about it. I wish I could just ignore it or have it stop and I hate even more that he just lies to me and tells me he'll stop and then has absolutely no intentions of even trying to stop. I just want some real advice from anyone who has gone through this male or female, I just want the hurting and crying to stop.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, your spouse is addicted. Like any addiction you aren't the one to blame. There isn't anything you can really do. He must give it up. Keep in mind that it takes about 21 days to form a habit. So, to break one should take at least as long if not longer. However, there must always be a lst day.
The first thing to go would be the internet. Do away with the service if not, the entire computer. (Unless you have kids who need access for school.)
Your husband needs to realize that there are consequences for his actions and by his attempt to make you responsible for your dislike of his addiction he is just trying to make you his scapegoat. It doesn't take an insecure person to dislike porn.
You are 100% justified in the way you feel. Ask yourself this. How long will it be before he has to increase the types of porn he views and participates in order to achieve that stimuli. He is on the fast track to chat rooms, meets, and assorted other pornographic/sex trade venues. It is time for tough love.

Answer 2

I've not had to deal with this particular addiction, but I'm sure most women feel the same regarding other addictions. I understand that it makes you feel small and less of a woman that he desires. So...I will say that if I were you, I'd get some counseling for myself and get him to go if he wants to stay married. If he refuses, you go alone. My next step would be to throw his computer and magazines out in the trash. So what if it was expensive? Crash the sucker then he can't watch anything. Then "you leave the house"? NO...I don't think so. You're taking this crap from a man who is trying to make you part of his problem. He only cares about his addiction; it comes first. You will never get rid of the resentment until you take steps to make him stop crapping on you and your marriage. He can't do this if you don't ALLOW him to ... do you understand that? How far are you willing to go? I wouldn't let him touch me or even sleep in my bed until he got his priorities in order. Honey, if you're angry, use it for making this right. If you can't, move on. Godloveya.

Answer 3

I was a porn addict and i still am. I started without my wife and slowly and surely watch porn with my wife. We spice things up to make our sex lives alot more fun.
I can see that porn can be in the way of things. My wife thought she was not beautiful anymore becuase I would watch other females having sex.
There are only two suggestions I can share with you but I do not know if you would want to do it: 1) Convince yourself and your man to attend a marriage counseling. 2) if one should fail, use the approach I did with my wife, talk about fantasies. We both are fulfilling our fantasies and still able to meet our sexual needs.

Take care!

Answer 4

You need to get help from a professional therapist.
Why you and not him ?
So you will have the courage to get the hell out of his immediate life.
If he ever wakes up and realizes that real women are well, real and the Internet women are well, unfortunate idiots....then maybe the two of you can decide to work on a relationship.... personally I wouldn't bet on it ....there are deep seated reasons for his addiction ....and I do mean addiction....and like any addiction , the addict must make the 1st move to save him/herself just like with booze or drugs....that is the nature of this particular disease....now , how many times have I used the "A" word in my response to your question ?
(3) and in baseball that is usually considered an out !
Which is what you need to do .
The sooner the better for both of you....Tough Love might work here ....but the 1st move is for you to get help....do it now....your insurance will cover it .....
Good Luck !

Answer 5

It's all in how you look at it. He's not hiding it from you. In fact, it seems as though the porn appeals to some fantasy aspect of his psyche, and he wants to share that with you. He could be going elsewhere for this, but he wants you. Granted, you may not be comfortable with some of his suggestions, but give and take are the nature of marriage. If there is something you are definitely dead set against, don't do it, but you should make him understand why. Seeing one another's perspective really helps get through the rocky times, and makes you appreciate the good times.

Answer 6

I know the pain you are talking of. Pornography destroyed my marriage of 26 years. I spent so many years crying and begging him to stop and he didn't belive he had a problem. He is the one who choose the porn over our marriage and his children. His addiction is even more out of control now. He lives with some ho and they have group sex with others. He is not the man I married. I am sure of that. But I know that it is not my problem, never was. It was just that I had to decide if I was going to continue in a life where I was disrespected and if I wanted to live with a man who committed adultery against me every time he looked at and lusted after other women. I wanted in the worst way to save my marriage but that is impossible when the addict will not seek therapy and recovery. I got myself into one on one counseling and joined an on line yahoo support group for partners of sexual addicts. It has been a great help and encouragement for me. It is so sad to see how many women are destroyed each and every day by the effects of this horrible addiction. Part of which is our societies distorted acceptance of porn. Porn is not normal and does not enhance a marriage in any way. It is degrading to women and I can't believe that it is women themselves who are out there participating in it knowing that they are ultimately responsible for the destruction of so many lives and families each and ever day. You should install a filter or porn blocker on your computer that your husband can not get past. Any movies or magazines that are in your house need to be destroyed and your husband has to make a choice, it is either your marriage or his porn, but you have to be willing to live with the outcome of that decision. You are the only one who can take control of your life. You can either continue to live in an aduterous, degrading, dsirespectful marriage or you can realize that you are a women who deserves to be married and loved by a man who will treat you with the love and respect you deserves. Just remember that you are in no way responsible for his disease. This is his illness, his addiction and he has to want recovery. Sometimes they have to loose what is most important to them before they realize that. Good luck to you and please go on yahoo groups and find the group partners of sexaddicts2. You will be amazed at how many other women are living the exact same hell you are each and every day. You are not alone. Good luck to you. This is the worst thing you will ever face in your life, next to the death of a loved one. And don't ever get rid of the resentment. You need that to survive and achieve healing.

Answer 7

There are different ways of approaching this...it all depends what you want from him and life. I take it that you have sat him down and talked to him..so my response is based on the assumption that you talking to him has not helped (or more a case of him not listening to you!).

1) The 'work it out' option

If his porn obsession is really tearing you/your relationship to bits, you need to give him an ultimatum that he changes for the sake of the relationship. You cannot lose who your are, your sanity, your spirit and your happiness over this. You can suggest that he attends some form of sex-therapy/counselling if you think its an unhealthy sex addiction. I am sure there is an advice line you can call for these kinds of sex addiction situations...have you had a look on the net/telephone directory? The experts might be able to offer better advice than any of us on here.

Is there a way that you can point out all the things you don't like about the porn/the way he is, but also tell him the good things that you enjoy (if any?). Sometimes, people don't listen when its all negative they hear...but react when they hear something positive.

Basically, its a case of discussing ways of balancing his sexual needs with your emotional needs and the needs of a healthy marriage.

2) The 'stick up for yourself' option

If you love this guy, no one has the right to tell you to leave him. We don't live in your shoes.

However, stop and ask yourself....is this the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Yes, people can change if they want to...but its hard for someone else to try to change them. If you think he is 'unchangeable' or if he himself doesn't want to change for the sake of your relationship, you must (unfortuantely) take that as a sign of significant weakness in your realtionship and his lack of respect for you. You deserve a happy, strong, loving relationship with someone who respects you.

If option 2 is ringing more bells with you than option 1...hun, its up to you to stand up for yourself.

In summary...Talk to him..tell him he is causing the end of the relationship with his behaviour. If after that he doesn't care to make your hurting and crying stop, you are going to have to act to make those awful feelings stop by standing up for yourself and leaving (that is if you don't want to remain a victim of his behaviour)

Take care, communicate with him, and have the strength to do what is best for you.

ps - if you need to talk, there are experts/counsellors/advice lines out there.

Answer 8

(((hugs))) Been there...done that...marriage survived but I will forever carry the scars and l know your pain. From the answers above I find it sad that society views porn use as normal and natural. You need to know that it not about you AT ALL. Sounds like he may have an addiction and may need outside help. You are both certainly not alone in this. Read Dr. Phils web page titled "Is Internet Porn Cheating?"
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/54

Answer 9

First of all he should be doing things to you out of love not from what turns him on from what he sees in a porno. You are trying to spice things up and doing things you arent comfortable doing to satisfy him and you need to be satisfied to. I get what you are saying that is why I hate porn. I dont want my husband to see these girls and come to me because he needs to satisfy himself after getting all hot and bothered I am real not fake and when I want him I am not excited over some guys ding a ling sorry I know Im not helping its kind of funny though. Your husband needs to turn off the porn and satisfy you w/o needing the excitement from porn. This is making you upset and you shouldnt feel this way. You tell yourself I am beautiful,desirable and if he loves me he will show me a satisfying time w/o making you recreate those images if your uncomfortable. My hubby has looked at porn not alot but I know he has and looked at hot younger girls that barely had nothing on and he did it alot I ended up having panic attacks,i thought he was cheating on me b/c we were drifting apart he worked all the time and wasnt here and then laying in bed when he could of had me he was looking at these girls and i cried and I wanted nothing to do with him then I had enough and I blew up and let all my emotions out and we almost got divorced over it but he didnt understand why it bothered me and why I would risk 6 yrs of marriage and risk throwing it all away. But I was ready I didnt want to hurt anymore no one understands it all you hear is its normal but not to the extent that your spouse is hurt and they dont even care. I hoped I helped you my situation wasnt the same but I understand. I hope he listens to you and makes you feel like his wife.lover not some sleezy girl who makes him excited before coming to you.

Answer 10

There is nothing wrong with porn and i think be thankful that he is not going out and doing it with other people. I would just get over the fact that he is addicted to it or make it that he is allowed it once a week or a set time. Or ask him to watch it with you only and not by himself. Men will be men, i think it is not a thing to cry over, but something you and your partner can share more often together to bring you both closer to eachother.