this is the first one
She
she, the one you never see in the daytime
she, her arms glimmering in the moonlight
she, her legs leaping in the dark, night air
she, dancing in the city jungle
okay heres the next one
a breakup
you say hi
i say hi
i say why
you say bye
i say bye
then i cry
ok heres a sad one
you left us all behind, with only memories and sadness in our hearts, sometimes i ask god why this happened, why me?
sometimes i am mad at him, somtimes i am sad at him
but when i am happy, the thought of you comes creeping up into my head, once again, and i am sad again
does it ever end?
2007-01-04 11:57:55 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
oh yeah i know the 2nd one sucks and i came up with the last one last mineute.
i have been working with "She" for a loooong time
oh yea i am 10 give me some suggestions i want to be a writer
2007-01-04 11:59:56 · update #1
I just wanted to let you know that there are mean people out there and they can steal your work and plagiarize.
2007-01-04 12:05:07 · answer #1 · answered by ( Kelly ) 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
danngggg......your 10! haha im 12 actully going on 13. and let me say i LOVE THE LAST ONE!!! i like writing poems my self so i would love to answer this question.haha. umm the first one is okay. its good and like you said.........the 2nd is kinda bad. i will give you some ideas for the second one if youd like.
well for the 2nd one............the subject is a breakup right?! right!
soo.......maybe it could use some detail like........
a breakup
it all started with a smile
smile that caught my eye
shimmering and twinkiling in the sky
then time moves on
then i realize he's gone,
were gone together,forever,
is it true why why why,
does it always have to be me?
well that kinda sucked also haha but see what im kinda saying?
well hoped i helped you out at least a LITTLE bit. if you wanna email me...........email me at hilary_rocks14@hotmail.com
btw keep up the good work!
2007-01-04 12:18:01 · answer #2 · answered by ♥I 'm coco for cocoa puffs♥ 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your work is excellent. My favorite is #2, because it is simple & would appeal to a wide audience. Some people don't have the ability/interest to read or appreciate very descript writing, & to be able to say so much in so few words is a gift. Excellent job!
2007-01-04 13:22:23 · answer #3 · answered by answerer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i like the 1st 2 but te second/third are not nearly as good. dont focus on the rhyme scheme as much as the rythm and the way the words sound when you say them out loud.
2007-01-04 12:16:09 · answer #4 · answered by twiggle512 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the second one didn't suck. they were all really good, better than anything i could write.
whoa wait! you're 10? oh my gosh, get yourself an agent!
if you write like this now, wait till you're older!
(and if you're 10, you probably shouldn't have those depressing emotions either)
2007-01-04 12:06:01 · answer #5 · answered by Ask Tara 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I like the parallel structure in the "she" poem
2007-01-04 12:12:45 · answer #6 · answered by mzoo 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
those rocked my world i am ten to those are wicked good
2007-01-04 12:03:42 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋