I have found more independence and my feelings have changed: he was unkind to me during those three years. However, we have a long past. He wishes to rebuild our relationship and has done many kind things. I know it won't be the same and part of me wishes to find the love, care and companionship we once had, but am reluctant to forego the new life I found during a six-month split. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What was your experience? I know nobody can tell me what to do, but I feel I'm in a constantly evolving situation. My current problem is that he wants to move back into the family home and I am not sure I want that yet. However, I no longer feel despair and I no longer wish to find retribution. Help.
2007-01-04 09:31:04 · 13 answers · asked by pretty face 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think after 33 years, the prirority should be on re-building the relationship you have with yourself. You are probably in a very intoxicating space right now - freedom from minor things that can suddenly make your world seem wide and full of opportunity. Give yourself time to weight all that and then decide. And if he can't wait for you, he's answered the question for you.
2007-01-04 09:37:12 · answer #1 · answered by lilrubberducky 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You really do already know the answer. It is in your own heart. Spend a lot of time alone, quietly, with no distractions and pay attention to the answers you get. Follow your heart (and your gut) and you will never go wrong. Trust yourself. Trust in life.
The "worst" has already happened and you came through it. And you came through it just fine. You sound strong. And smart.
Just do whatever you truly feel is right FOR YOU. And know that it will be the right thing to do. Whatever that is for you.
What about the two of you going to marriage couseling prior to anyone moving back in together? To ascertain what caused your husband to do what he did. And also to see what you really want before you make a commitment to a situation that does not feel right for you.
I have a long past with my husband as well. That doesn't really mean anything. It just means we have a long past.
Just because you are now taking care of your own needs first and seeing what you want out of life on your own, does not mean you are seeking retribution. You are just trying to live your life in a way that now makes sense to you and that works for you.
I would say - honor yourself and respect yourself and live your life your way.
Good luck.
2007-01-04 09:42:37 · answer #2 · answered by Alice laughing 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've been married for 7 yrs and have been separated since March 2006 because of his infidelity. During the separation, he had a girlfriend (only took him 1 week to find her drunken a$$ at the club). Eventually they broke up in Sept 2006 and he wanted to return to me. Even though we didn't move in with each other we dated and slept together. I thought he had changed for the better. Turns out...this December I found out he met another girl but was still trying to be with me. He was trying to be with both. They only change for awhile but then go back to the same thing.
If you have found your independence, keep it. You don't need to live the rest of your life in distrust of your partner. That's not a happy life. I know it's hard because you have a lot of history but he obviously didn't care about your history together when he was having an affair. He kind of flushed that down the toilet. Don't let him move in. He probably feels lonely by himself and misses being with the family but he needs to show you that he has changed first. He doesn't want to move in with the family for YOUR benefit, he's doing it for his own benefit (loneliness).
You will grow to appreciate your independence and hopefully meet someone that you will be able to trust. Lack of trust will be the pitfall of you relationship with your husband and you will never really be happy with him again.
Good luck and best wishes
2007-01-04 09:45:06 · answer #3 · answered by Esther 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girl, if you've been split up for 6 months and have found your independence, why on Earth would you even WANT to give that pig another chance? You deserve better than to run the risk that he'll do it again. I went through something similar. We split 3 times over 17 years, and I kept taking him back. The last time WAS the last time. I found out that life was much sweeter without him.
2007-01-04 09:41:56 · answer #4 · answered by IthinkFramptonisstillahottie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it hard to let go after so long, and being married you made a commitment to work on things when times got bad (til death do you part) and yes he cheated on you, he was wrong there, but what have you done that was wrong? I think the both of you should take ya'lls time. Try starting all over again with each other. You've change and so has he. So get to know each other again, and go from there.
2007-01-04 09:56:26 · answer #5 · answered by Ydua R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My exhole did it at 24 years, but if he would have tried coming back, I would have flat out said NO.
Use your new-found strength to tell him that you could never trust him again! His affair was 3 YEARS, so he obviously became very adept at lies & hiding.....do you really want to go through all that again?
Sometimes it's better to turn your back instead of the other cheek!
Bless you, hom--you deserve better than a cheat.
2007-01-04 09:36:20 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'd move toward rebuilding the relationship with him, i wouldn't put it off, and i wouldn't let him move back into the home right away. I'd wait until you were both sure about everything and remarried.
2007-01-04 09:43:28 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would keep going as you are. I would not let him move in quit yet. Tell him that in the future he may move back in but you are not ready yet. He needs to really rebuild his trust wuith you. If you let him move back in know I fear that he will fall back to where he previously was.
Just my opinion
2007-01-04 09:48:46 · answer #8 · answered by Right Wing Extremist 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow. Tough. People CAN make this work. BUT they have to want it.
He truly has to change. And you truly have to forgive him. If you can do that and remember why you married in the first place, you can do it. But it will be hard. You HAVE to actually forgive him - you can't hate him forever or give him grief forever about it.
Good luck. I hope you can....
2007-01-04 09:34:14 · answer #9 · answered by fucose_man 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What does your head tell you? Most likely you should listen to your head and your gut instinct, no one can really answer this question for you. Its about you, do you feel you can ever trust him? Should you trust him? You answer these to your self is he worth the risk?
2007-01-04 09:38:18 · answer #10 · answered by Laura 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋