Sex is just a stress-reliever? Men, is that all it is to you?

Question

I've heard so much about how men are physical in love and women are spiritual, and have found this to be largely true. But guys don't like having real deep talks, or share in any deep feelings, or see the need to cry on occasion, and hate cuddling, etc, etc. Is there any way at all for us to connect with you spiritually, or is this just another way we get ripped off from all the good things in life. Are we forever just supposed to "go without" and then die a harlots death if we dare seek fulfillment elsewhere? I spend most of my life feeling completely alone in the same room as my husband. If I show any emotions "I" immediately have a problem and am "stressing him out" (Minor stuff, like say my daughter is 3 hours late coming home from highschool) Is there no safe territory? If I try intellectual conversation he acts uneasy and soon takes off, like I make him feel stupid or something, when it wasn't my intent. I just can't find any happy medium.

I think it's pretty safe to say that women feel love purely on an emotional scale, but if we never have an emotional connection with a man because they are so closed off to it, then really, why bother? They're never on the same page, and every time I need someone to hold me or tell me everything is ok, like once a year, or when my dad died, he makes damn sure he is as far away as he can be and he'll leave his phone at home, and lie about where he was, so he not only lets me down when I need him most, but he's got to insult me as well. Where is the plus side to all this?

Answer 1

Guys are not really good at sharing emotions by environment. We are almost pre-programed to upset you. It's starts when we are kids..."Don't cry like a girl!" Us guys start hearing that early on. Showing our emotions is taboo all of our lives. It's hard to un-do that when we get married.

Yes, we are sexual in a different way the women. Chasing sex is often how a guy reaches out for intimacy. Where a woman may want to cuddle and have an intimate conversation to fill the emotional need, us guys want the same thing but we end up looking for it via sex. Sounds nuts, but it's true.

So we all have similar needs, but us guys are stunted when it comes down to expressing those needs and how we understand how to obtain them. For our whole lives we are told to "suck it up and be a man". If we ever shared our emotions the ridicule we would get would make sure we never did it again. This starts so early on in our lives that we don't even know we can be any different.

I am almost 44 years old and I am just starting to understand these things. It even took a counselor to help me to feel emotions the way I wished to feel them.

Not as cut and dry as you thought is it? Now that you have a hint as to why we are jerks you can help your husband to start the trip to being able to communicate. There are counselors to help as well...

Good Luck

Answer 2

In a healthy marriage...Men DO like to be cuddled...and sex is a way for your Husband to communicate his love to you. It is indeed a stress reliever..but it's more than that...he needs to show you his love in this way.

I'm not saying you are...but I hope you're not withholding sex from him. This could turn your Hubby into a hostile bear!

I sense your sadness, your frustration...
Was he EVER cuddly? Did he EVER like to communicate or comfort you when you cried? If he did before and now he doesn't...find out why.

If he's never been any of these things...you can't expect him to be someone he isn't.

Men want to "fix" what's wrong...you have to be very clear with what your wants are. If you just cry around and whine..he'll retreat into his shell because he doesn't know how to "fix" that.

Answer 3

My wife never gets enough of me. She wants to snuggle and have meaningful conversations, plan stuff, and all the other stuff you mentioned. She might say she totally feels what you are feeling, but I think she's (just a little bit) spoiled.

Seven years ago, I swept her off her feet, and she had never met someone who showered her with affection the way I did. I wrote poetry, took her on romantic dates, and was very attentive. She had been very poorly treated in previous relationships, and I basically "walked on water" at this point.

Six years ago, we got married, and every month on our "lunaversary" as I called it, I gave her 1 red rose for each month we had been together.

Five years ago, I stopped the roses and only did occasional gifts. Over the following years, I've been somewhat less attentive, and more easily distracted by stuff like "Yahoo questions". I still make time for my wife, but her perception is that it's less than what she'd like.

So: enough about me, on to the advice. You're probably getting your messages on generic man-behavior from bad sources like Tom Leykis and Dr. Laura. Throw that stuff out. Your husband is your friend, and your best friend at that. Start doing stuff with him that you'd do with a friend. Go on a picnic, a bike ride, go to the movies, see a play, or go to the races. Reconnect with him. Find out what you two can do together. Once you've got some good superficial stuff going, then you may not need to cry or share deep feelings (if your deep feelings are complaints about him). Cuddling could happen in all the date scenarios I mentioned. If he's just not comfortable discussing deep emotional stuff, then you should get a girlfriend you can talk to.

Now, I'm going to call my wife and ask her out on a date. Wish me luck!

Answer 4

Sex for men has different values according to their ages. The younger is the man, the more physical he is. Dress a broom with a bikini he will jump it because quantity and diversity is all that counts. Older age brings with it selection and appreciation of the relationship. By then sex is not strictly a stress-reliever but a gratifying act.

Answer 5

There's not plus side to these situations, men will always be secretive. This is why its so easy for them to lie about things because they don't think you have sense enough to tell the difference especially since they don't talk about much of anything anyway. It's up to the female to determine if they want to stay in a relationship which really don't seem like one or just go off and have their own life to do whatever interest them so they can have a more exciting or enthusiastic one.

Answer 6

Yes indeed sex is the best stress reliever there is. If everyone would just stop and have sex when there getting stressed it would be alot nicer place to live at times. LOL

Answer 7

Yes, it's physical for most men, but don't put us all in the same category. Some men do like to cuddle. And love to have an intellectual conversation. You just married one who doesn't. For some men cuddling, and talking is a sign of weakness, so they don't. And as for sex, it always just physical and has nothing to do with love. Women love and men have sex. Men love you as a person and sex is the desert. Give him time and he might see you point of view.

Answer 8

Sounds like your alittle stressed out... I dont think it is all men, because im their for my fiance no matter when she needs me or needs to talk. No matter what time of day it is. One, Men dont stress out as much as women do about the little stuff ( daughter ) so to us, you stressing out over it is crazy. We will say, just settle down and take it easy, im sure she is ok.... Two, alot of guys feel that if they open up to their deep feelings it makes them less of a man ( thats my bestfriend ). But the best marriages are the ones where the Man can take everything in stride, being their whenever the women needs, no matter when. Or laying in bed talking about nothing, even though she may think it is everything. So no, its not everyman!! I just think that yours might be lacking some "marriage" skills!

Answer 9

Well since all men are not like you describe, it's pretty obvious you have a chip on your shoulder. Did you ever think the problem maybe with YOU? I love to cuddle with my wife listen to her and respond in an effective manner. However, if her delivery is in an abrasive manner, then I too will tune her out (as would anyone would).

From the tone of your posting, it leaves me with the impression you can be a very abrasive woman. Take it as constructive criticism.

Answer 10

And in all your whining, I never once heard you say, "This all started when..." which makes me strongly believe that he's always been like this. If this is a problem, why did you marry him?

My wife and I have very deep talks about religion and politics and physics and biology and psychology and family and anything else you can think of. We cuddle, kiss, go out, stay in, and make ourselves avaliable for each other. When did this start? Our first date. It's always been like that. She knew exactly what she was getting into when she married me, and she liked it. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I married her, and I liked it. Okay, so she doesn't like pickles, I have to get my pickle fix outside the house because she doesn't even like having them in the fridge. (She says the smell gets into other things, I don't know.) I have to make sure to wash my hands after eating pickles. But I knew all about that long before we got married. And am I flawless? Heck no! She gave me directions to her mother's house to pick her up, and I figured in two hours to get lost. I was late... I should have figured in two and a half hours to get lost. Did I get better? No. Am I going to get better? Probably not. Does my wife know I get lost in parking lots? (You know they're actually designed to keep you from leaving the mall, right?) Yes, she does! Does it drive her nuts? Yes! Does she complain openly? Not much. Why? Because it's always been like that. If it bothered her that much, she should have married someone else. If I really wanted someone to share pickles with, I would have married someone else.

So when did your husband start being emotionally distant? Your first date? If so, get over it! You obviously didn't marry him for his emotional side anyway, so get yourself a good female friend you can share your emotions with, and keep your husband for what you married him for! Don't complain that he's still the same man you married.