Verbal Abuse?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 5 1/2 years (married for 2 1/2). Our baby boy was born in May of this year.

My husband comes from a family where is father severely abused his mother (physically) and is also an alcoholic, though his family doesn't see this. My husband is also an alcoholic... he's been sober since March, but he's doing it "on his own." I know this is a red flag, and I also know that the next time I suspect he's been abusing, I am taking my son and RUNNING.

During his drinking binges (and now I'm noticing it at other times recently as well), he has a habit of verbally abusing me. He tells me I am bipolar, he threatens to throw me out and he has even threatened divorce saying he'd get full custody of our child b/c I don't work. He is rarely intimate with me unless I initimate (and even then it's like twisting an arm). I feel like all this is making me fall out of love with him, and I am not sure what to do. We intend to go to couples counseling

Not sure if I was clear... he's been dry since March 2006. And, he drinks alone in the house... so I would definitely know if he is hitting the bottle again. He already knows I will leave him (with our son) if he even thinks about doing it again. Some might say I am enabling him, but I have allowed him to go so far that he needed to go to de/tox... so he knows where I stand... I am not going to put up with it if it happens again. Trust me... but in his defense, he's a good father. I just don't know if I can take the verbal abuse (I'm no angel either, but I think his way of handling it goes deeper into my self-esteem)

Answer 1

Amazing how closely that resembles my life. My dad physically and verbally abused my mom and i when i was a small child, it went on for years due to his drinking (because he was fine as long as he was sober) and my mom i guess was afraid to leave him because she didnt know what he'd do if she did..i know she loved hm and that was part of the reason she stuck around. she doesnt really talk to me about any of it because of course she wants to forget it but its hard for me to forget it that easily, it stays in my mind.

I'm the same as your husband, when i drink i become somebody horrible to the people around me and i dont want that. I quit drinking by myself also and my new years resolution is actually to never take a drink of alcohol again. It was hard and it stays hard because im an alcoholic as well.

Dont give up on your relationship with him though, he needs you in his life and obviously he cares about you and your child enough to quit drinking completely. it looks to me like he wants to change and is doing everything he can to do so but maybe more needs to be done. if you think the relationship is getting nowhere or think that he will go back to drinking then maybe you both should attend marriage counseling. He's doing a great job of staying sober this long though, now he just needs to change his behavior soberly toward you..have a talk with him about it..tell him how it makes you feel. Communication is always best.

Answer 2

Sounds like a troubled marriage. But since he hasn't actually physically abused or threatened you, there may be hope. Alcoholism can take 3 generations to work its way out of a family.

I suggest, if you're worried about abuse, to talk to a friend now about being able to stay with her if there is an emergency, and to keep a can of pepper spray in the house for the same reason. Hopefully you will never need either.

I would also think about the child and not having him learn bad behavior like drunkeness from his father, and certainly not teaching him that men can verbally abuse women.

I wouldn't plan on running just because he gets drunk. There is something to be said for standing your ground and speaking up for your home and yourself. Ask the counselor what he or she thinks.

Good luck!

Answer 3

My X used to say, "You can still be an *** hole and not drink." We all have our good and bad sides. Verbal abuse is absolutely unacceptable. Your husbands issues with alcohol are his to take care of one day at a time. However stopping drinking does not guarentee he will be a perfect man. He needs to address the verbal abuse issues too. don't let him slide because he has been sober for a few months. He is one drink away from sobriety at all times. He needs to seek other support, weather it be AA . Or like you say Couples counsling. He is a bully. plain and simple . You have to stand up to him and let him know that you will not tolerate his vebal assults. If he wants to remain with his family, he needs to stop the abusive cycle he is creating in his family. The strongest influence in a childs life is the same sex parent. What message is your son getting? Think about what you need to do to save this child. This is serious.

Answer 4

If you intend to go to counseling, it's going to take a while for things to get better if you plan to stick it out, because it doesn't work in just the first session. Don't feel bad for leaving, you and your son deserve better. You don't need your son growing up thinking it's OK to treat women like that. No women should put up with verbal abuse either!!! EVER!!!! You might want to think about letting him "go at it alone!" completely, and if he can get his life strait, then think about getting back with him. Sometimes being strong is the hardest thing to do, but now.....you have to be strong for you AND your son. And NO judge will take your son from you, let alone give him to and alcoholic father, your husband is just trying to scare you into staying, hoping you're not smart enough to call his bluff. God Bless. I'm here if you need to talk.

Answer 5

Your husband should be in AA. He's on a dry drunk right now. Alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is a disease that needs to be treated. He may be causing problems with you as an excuse for him to drink again. verbal abuse is not acceptable behavior. I suggest you get hooked up with an Al-Anon group. This will help you deal with him. Good luck

Answer 6

Dana,
My reply might seem harsh, but ask yourself this question. Maybe you feel 'superior' to your husband becasue you cearly know he has 'no control' over his life, do you enjoy this feeling of 'superiority' over your husband? Sometimes in life we gravitate towards males who are weaker than us becasue it makes us feels worthy and better about oursevlves. This might be a very difficult idea for you to grasp but if you think about it honestly, the truth might set you free.This was the case for me. Deep down inside, you know the answer to your problem. You can stay in the marriege and risk your son's life and emotional development. What you suffer will transfer onto your son. 'Save' your son. I went out with a verbal abuser and he turned out to be a verbal abuser because of the environment he grew up in. His father and uncle abused him terribly. GOD had given you enough warning signs, this might be your last. Take care dear.

Answer 7

baby girl, you're taking a correct course of action. sometimes we just don't know how ugly the demon inside the person. in your case, you see it full view. i never like verbal abuse; it causes more pain that scars deeply and it never heals right. counseling and therapy is the right approach. hopefully you can salvage what ever left in your marriage. but remember that you need to have plan B if it doesn't turn out that way you wanted.

Answer 8

One thing you do need to do is make sure you can be independent. So if you don't have a job, and you left, how will you get by. I've been there, and making sure you can support yourself and your baby is a must. If the threats continue, you need to leave. It doesn't mean you don't have to stop supporting him but let him know he's replaceable. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to live with them.

Answer 9

It's the effects of him not having the "bottle". Take your time with him as it is very hard to give up an additiction and if he is doing it on his own with no help...he must be going crazy! Therapy will help and hopefully they can get him into AA, but you should be going to Alanon to help with your recovery from living with an alcoholic!

Answer 10

I think you need to seperate while he attends rehab - he needs SERIOUS counseling - not marriage counseling yet...Personal counseling first...then marriage counseling.

This isn't fair to you. I am all for standing behind someone..and divorce is awful - but you have a little boy now who needs at least one parent 100% - and that has to be you.