I am in the process of leaving my wife. She will keep the 3 kids with her in our house, and I do want them to be comfortable. My wife is irresponsible an immature with money, etc. and the only way to keep my children in a healthy household is for me to be nearby.
I converted my loft above the garage into an apartment and I pay for all the household expenses for her until she learns how to do it on her own....Her wages from her part-time job should be enough for her groceries, personal expenses, etc.
NOw, I think I am doing the right thing for my family and my ex, but I also fear that it would be wrong (or viewed as wrong) to start dating while we are still technically living under the same roof.
I am really torn.... I want my kids to be happy, I want my ex to learn to provide for them, but I aslo want to be happy and move on.
I even feel guilty hanging with female friends of mine (no sex involved)
I am wrong, or just overthinking everythjing?
2007-01-04 05:53:53 · 48 answers · asked by AUTO S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
There's a typo! The question should have been 'Am I cheating'.
Also, I would never bring any girls home... I actually just want to spend time with female friends for now...nothing more.
This living arrangement will only be until the divorce, then I will know if she wants the house for her and the kids, or she is moving away and I end up with the place.
2007-01-04 06:09:53 · update #1
I think it is best to wait until the divorce is finalized to start dating. Think about your children and how they would feel to see you with someone else when you and mommy are still married.
2007-01-04 05:57:37 · answer #1 · answered by hunter 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
If all your wife is responsible for is groceries and personal expenses with a part time job; how much room does she have to be irresponsible? I think this is a cop-out! Sorry, but true! If your unhappy in the marriage, then do some marriage counseling.
If your hanging with female friends then you've put yourself in a situation that has nothing to do with your wife. The break up of your marriage would be all your fault. Why don't you try not hanging out with these other female friends and concentrate on your family's problems.
You moving into the room over the garage is really going to mess with your children's head's. You would be doing more damage to your children by staying. If you want a divorce, then DIVORCE.
Sounds like to me that you want your cake and eat it too!
And yes, unless you are LEGALLY SEPERATED you would be cheating and she can divorce you on grounds of adultry and still keep the house, kids and your money and you've got nothing!
2007-01-04 06:14:57 · answer #2 · answered by kristen a 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't until the divorce is final. Also, you probably shouldn't be living on the same property. Isn't there an apartment complex or something nearby. I understand why you want to be close by, but above the garage? At least move off the property. Why should she have to learn to do it by herself if you're still there? She won't be motivated to do it.
Also, your soon-to-be ex needs to get a full-time job. A part-time job won't cut it even with child support. You said her wages from her job are enough for groceries and personal expenses. What about the house payment? Her car? Utilities? (I'm assuming, of course, you're not including these in her personal expenses). She needs to get better work. You'll always be responsible for her if you continue paying her way. How are you ever going to explain this to someone you date that you pay most of your wife's expenses so she doesnt' have to work full-time? Good luck with that.
2007-01-04 06:28:24 · answer #3 · answered by Lady in Red 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why on earth would you want to live above the garage and give up everything to help take care of her. The only way she is going to grow up is if you get away from her. If she does a poor job and you can document it then you can possibly get custody. If you leave her and you keep your part of the pay she can stay in government assisted housing.
What is she doing that upsets you so much you would move up into the garage. Before you go much further seek out counseling for both you and your wife because you may be sorry later on. When I got divorced later on I could see where I was wrong such that I think possibly if we got counseling from a GOOD couselor that it might have worked. But I was very unhappy and he was abusive such that I was much happier after I stopped crying. Just exactly why are you leaving her? Better habits economically can be relearned. If you leave and she keeps the house another man may be living in your hard earned house. Do you really want to consider anyone else being with your wife? Do you think possibly you are living upstairs because you do not want her out with anyone else or someone else taking over the father role with your children? Cheating is cheating regardless especialy when it comes to being at fault in a divorce. Until it is finished do not have an intimate relationship with anyone that can be misconstrued to make you look worse in court. As it is your moving into the garage if you have not started divorce proceedings looks like abandonment. Go see a counselor and a lawyer before you take advice off this place from people who may not be doing well in their own relationships, do not have much education or experience in regards to marriage or the law. You want to look like a saint in some states because they are all prowomen and in others they are all pro men in the legal court systems in regards to divorce check into the laws in regards to this know what the limits of your rights are and do not abuse them because eventually you will be in a higher court of judgement.
Be right with God regardless of what it is and set a good example for your children.
If you stay in the garage and get divorced have the decency to butt out when she has company or make an agreement not to bring them around the house for the sake of the children who may get confused. Do you have an apartment situation there soyou can live completely independently without wandering in and out of her HOUSE now?
Think about exactly where you have put yourself now.
2007-01-04 08:39:37 · answer #4 · answered by Faerieeeiren 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I give you major props for being a father first and a MAN at the same time. Your wife doesn't deserve what your doing for your family. Technically it would be wrong to date while your under the same roof but if your intentions are move on, then you wont have to wait long. If your doing all this for her now, she'll never have to learn to be strong enough to do it on her own. Keep the kids and leave her the house. If it falls thru the cracks, that's her bad. Start your life over with you kids and a new home and I guarentee that new woman will be there soon to take over where she couldn't.
2007-01-04 06:00:44 · answer #5 · answered by Chocolate_Tai_69 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Once you're divorced, you're divorced period. However, I do understand freaking out about having freaks come over and boning them with your children with in a stones throw. I also understand feeling goofy hanging out with women.
The main thing is to first wait until you are legally divorced. Anything else IS cheating! After this situation is finalized, get your freak-on, just keep it away from the house or play it stealth so the children don't see or know about it. You don't give the children's ages. Obviously the younger they are the more damage will be done seeing dad's man pole in another woman's mouth (this I hope would also be the case if they saw this while you were married to).
Bottom line, ask a counselor the best course of action AFTER the divorce is final.
2007-01-04 06:01:41 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think that living THAT close to your family is going to make things easier. That may not be the best thing for your family. I mean your kids will wonder why dad is living upstairs and mom is living downstairs (or whatever). Wouldn't it be better to move down the street at least? That way you are accessible to the family but you can move on with your life as well. Do you think you will feel comfortable living there if you see her bring another man home? Or vice versa? I think I would be living down the street anyway just so people weren't spying...not to mention the neighbours talking.... Good luck, and I'm sorry about your situation. It's never easy.
2007-01-04 05:58:51 · answer #7 · answered by prairiefire_14 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You already know that you are, you are just seeking support in the form of enough others saying you are not wrong. Be honest with yourself. The most irresponsible person in the world is the one who cant be honest with themselves about themselves.
Sounds like you are simply trying to keep from looking bad by leaving your wife dude. Thats it. You are more worried about what others will think of you then you are anything else.
You took her as the irresponsible *** that she is as you probably had some very good clues to how she was before you married. You accepted that. Now it is a problem? Well, I can understand that to a point, but it sure isnt a reason to leave her.
2007-01-04 06:26:02 · answer #8 · answered by Mr. JW 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
YOu never mentioned the word divorce in this situation. Are you ? You say "process of leaving your wife". I think you're still very much married and decided to live in different parts of the house for convenience for both of you. How confusing to these children if you start dating or seeing other women while they may view this as "mom and dad might get back together". You either leave completely or you stay completely...this situation you've explained here is sure to confuse alot of people. Especially, the children.
2007-01-04 06:00:15 · answer #9 · answered by Hear2Help 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are just overthinking things, but remember that your ex will know each and every time you have a "friend" over to your place. You are right to want to stay close to your kids and keep an eye on them. Technically you are not living under the same roof, but I give you credit for touching all bases before you do anything.
2007-01-04 06:04:27 · answer #10 · answered by mayihelpyou 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well first off Im glad you are staying close for the kids, thats very mature and caring of you. You might want to hold off on bringing another woman into the home until the divorce is final. You do have the right to move on with your life as does she, however it might be smarter to go elsewhere when meeting with another woman like going to her house instead or out to dinner. When you are officially divorced then you have even more right to do what you want because you will not have that ring on your finger. Goodluck to you and stay close to your kids!
2007-01-04 06:16:05 · answer #11 · answered by Fantasy686 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋