Two years of marriage and I am trying to find a way out/ to end it without feeling as guilty. No kids in play. I feel guilty enought thinking and talking about it. I can only imagine how guilty I will feel if I follow threw it. We have brought it up in many arguments before, and I have said I want a divorce but my guilt prevents me from following threw and we end things as we will continue to try. I am sick of trying to feel somthing I should feel, but don't. I am sick of feeling like it will distroy this person if I follow threw it.
2007-01-04 05:05:44 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I didn't like it when my ex divorced me, so here's what I suggest:
Think about this for a moment: "what is, is".
Understanding a fact is one thing, knowing it on a deeper level is something else. Both bring a level of, let's call it, satisfaction.
If you know there's no hope of reconciliation (not willing to enter counseling), find that place inside where you feel good about it. There's a freedom attached to a decision like this, freedom from the thing you're leaving behind. It's in connection with this that you have to build self-confidence. Focusing on the pain your mate will suffer will only derail your intentions, getting you off the track you're trying so hard to establish. I'm not saying be cruel, just think of your own wounds first. You can be a little detached in considering what your mate will experience, and what role you play (if any) in giving assistance. You can help in a number of ways, but not by staying emotionally attached.
Get a tad of counseling for yourself, it'll help you keep perspective of the big picture, maintain your position in the forthcoming dialogs, and be strong enough to be kind.
I thought I'd be destroyed by the experience (ouch), but look! It did make me stronger! But that's another story . . .
Edit: then there was the time I was the one doing the breaking up. I waited over a year (because of the guilt), it still crushed my lover, and there I was: a useless, wasted year of my suffering because of guilt. Guilt, in this case, is not a motivator, it's a ball and chain.
Very best wishes for both your healings.
2007-01-04 05:32:06 · answer #1 · answered by Zeera 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
KUDOS to you.
I love it that you have taken her feelings into consideration. It 'might' destroy her if you leave but it WILL DESTROY YOU if you stay.
You both deserve to be happy in a relationship. At this point you are keeping her from her perfect relationship and she is doing the same for you!
Think of the end for you both more as a new start for you both and it will make things seem less tramatic.
THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT
There is NO easy way to break someone elses heart.
I would suggest that you tell her that you want to work things out if and only if you can get your own place.
Once you move to your own place just slowly remove yourself from his/her life.
When you move out stay there for the first few nights for the first week, less the second and so on.
Start other interests so that you will be busy when she calls. Be polite but firm
meet with her every Wednesday (or whenever) for dinner and just ask her how things are going (neutral place) Encourage her to start doing other things so that she will become more independent too! If you are worried about her emotional health, I think that the slow transition will make things easier.
GOOD LUCK
2007-01-04 05:14:47 · answer #2 · answered by lisa s 6 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Look....I have been there. Whether you are the hurter or the hurtee....Divorce hurts. If you did not think this was the right thing to do you would not suggest it. We only live once and you have to be happy. You can not stay in a marriage for the sake of your partner if you are not happy.
When we stand at the altar we hope and pray that it is forever but unfortunately, sometimes it just doesn't happen that way. The longer you wait the harder it will be to cut the ties. If you are really that unhappy cut your ties now and move on....things will get better and you both will survive. Good luck.
2007-01-04 05:16:41 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 0⤋
There will be no way to end this without feeling guilty. Why do you feel guilty? If you don't love her and you fight all the time, you will be putting both of you out of misery. Talk to her and let her know you are wanting a divorce. Tell her you aren't happy, don't feel the same way about her, tired of fighting, whatever the excuse. She may be more accepting of it than you think. She deserves to know you are considering this option, if you care about her at all, you will talk to her first. Try getting through this without ripping each other to pieces. Settle things without fighting. You both will have to make concessions to get out of this.
Best of luck!
2007-01-04 05:17:23 · answer #4 · answered by country girl 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Of course you feel guilty but your spouse will not be destroyed by your decision to end the marriage. They will be extremely hurt probably but will heal over time. Stop living a lie. The longer you stay together the greater the resentment. You both need to be able to move on from this.
2007-01-04 05:21:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Feel guilty or continue in your misery. This is a loveless marriage and you need to get out, heal and then move on. Don't stay because you feel guilty. That is not a reason to base a marriage on.
2007-01-04 05:08:17 · answer #6 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Talk calmly about it and your feelings with her. Consider some counselling and maybe one last chance if you are both willing to try. (That's what I'm doing right now... giving him 1 last chance). Then if after that chance, you still feel the same way, there is no need to feel guilty. You did everything you could.
2007-01-04 05:14:44 · answer #7 · answered by Genie 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm in a similar situation only not married (long term relationship). I think he knows as he keeps saying "please don't break my heart" but at the end of the day I don't love him the way I should and I am miserable.
So, I think we both need to take a deep breath and tell our respective partners honestly and gently that we need to end things. It is only fair for everyone concerned.
Best of luck.
2007-01-04 07:20:58 · answer #8 · answered by Sasha R 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do you even want to try a counselor? You two definitely need one. I think divorce means guilt, rejection and failure. If it ends in divorce, be very thankful you were not blessed with children. Children suffer severely because of divorce.
2007-01-04 05:13:03 · answer #9 · answered by Jeancommunicates 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Staying in a relationship that you don't want to be in is not going to make you feel any better, it will only add to your problems. The only person that can make you happy is yourself. How the other person handles it is entirely up to them. Either they can make things easy or make them harder than they have to be. You cannot live your life by what others might feel, say or do.
2007-01-04 05:35:33 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋