Can someone please tell me why I'm still with her?

Question

I have been trying to break away from my highschool girlfriend for several years. In highschool everyone was always talking about how smart and pretty she was, but as an adult she is fat and never went to college. Once I got to know her I found out that she is a lying, vindictive, needy person, who cheated on me constantly with her old boyfriend and other guys. I took her back even after she was riding around town with her old boyfriend in his new car. I come from a small town where everyone knows each other, I am adopted and I lost my adopted mother at a very young age. After I graduated highschool I went to the military, but when I came back I kept seeing her and at 19, she got pregnant by me. She also has a second child that is not mine. She knew the second child was not mine but let me sign the birth certificate anyway and Iet me give the child my mothers name. We live together and she wants to get married, she is always there for me and holds on the me no matter what. I do have ??

Answer 1

It looks to me like you are not confident enough to be single and find someone else.

However I know this is not so clean cut, and she is always going to have an influence on your life now but I think you should stand up for yourself and stop being walked on like a doormat and say hey I have more self respect than that and go find yourself someone who likes\wants\needs you.

I think you'll then find she will realise what she's lost but it will be too late.

The real question is how long are you going to be a doormat?

Go and talk to her or someone else or even a councillor on your own and get some self respect back and then start living for yourself and not someone else.

It seems to me like you're just trying to have something you've never had in your life a family, but at what cost are you prepared to do this?

A lot of self discovery to do. But hey if you're okay with that you don't have a problem. It sounds all too young to even begin to understand it all.

Just remember this: Children always come first.

Answer 2

I don't know any other way to say this so here goes.

GET A BACK BONE.

There are so many nice people out there that happen to be female. A good girlfriend will be there for you and hang in there with you through hard times because they love you and are loyal to you. A bad girlfriend will be there through the hard times because there is no where else for them to go. In her case, fat and w/children with multiple fathers. (Yuck)

As you already stated time has slipped by while you were trying to the find courage to break up with this person, and before you know another several years will have gone by and you are still stuck in the same situation. The difference is, now the children are older and have witnessed a horrible dysfunctional relationship and will have already been adversely impacted by you decision to remain.

As far as the children, the question is; are you willing to be the custodial parent and provide a more loving and stable environment? Or, are you willing to leave them there to suffer at the raising of person who doesn't even have respect for herself let alone a husband or child?

I speak from experience. It is soooooo much easier to raise a child/children alone in a stable loving environment than it is with someone you are constantly off balance and at war with.

As far as being a male in this situation, women are much more accepting of a man with a child/children than a man is with women who have children. So don't worry about dating and never finding another person to love you or your children/child.

Good luck

Answer 3

The problem is u are a PU$$Y. plain and simple. and if u marry this whore u are also stupid. Listen, we all make mistakes in life so u get a pass for previous stupidity. but now that u realize u don't wanna be with this woman it's time to begin makin plans to move on with your life. first thing u need to do is find a way to get your name OFF the birth certificate of the child that isn't yours. talk to a lawyer. get a paternity test. but find a way to do it. once you've accomplished that leave her. if u leave her first, u WILL end up payin child support for this child that is not yours. believe it. the courts do not care if u were deceived. u signed as the father so legally u took responsibility.

2nd. go to doubleyourdating.com
u need to begin to build some confidence in yourself and gain a better understanding of women. this can give u a start.

Answer 4

sounds like you are with her because that is all that you are familiar with...she presents no challenge to you. BUT you have brought kids in to the situation. The children did not ask to be born and you being adopted should know that. THe children deserve the best even if you and your girlfriend have screwed it all up. Stop being selfish and think about how you will effect the childrens lives. Obviously your girlfriend does not want to be with you because she keeps cheating on you but she understands that the children need a mother and father figure so she wants to stay together.

Answer 5

You should look beyond what she has done in the past, the future has yet to come...You two have chlidren to take care of and raise, be a family. Take your kids, out be there for each other. Bring her home little gives to show her how much you love her. Maybe she feels that you aren't paying her enough attention and she feels that she has to go get all the attention she wants by cheating on you. Start paying more attention to her and things may get better. Well take care and good luck.

Answer 6

I don't really know why you are still with her...you still love her (in some weird dependent way?) It sounds like you have your head on straight and she also see that because she has latched on to you. You need to move out and then work on visitation and/or custody of your child. Why would you want to marry a woman who treats you so badly. I can tell you life is entirely too short to be miserable. It will end up hurting all parties involved.

Answer 7

Make sure you have a new place to live, friends, parents whatever. Have a plan to better yourself. Go to college, military whatever.

Tell her you have thought about it long and hard and that you decided relationship is not healthy for either of you. That you have grown apart over time and you want to move on.... Tell her that you will stay in your childs life and make some arrangements for that. If you love the 2nd child you can continue to be in its life too, but financially you owe it yourself to determine if its yours due to child support.

Then move on....

Answer 8

Tough life bro. i know that history means a lot but do u want to spend the rest of your life with a lying, vindictive, needy cheat??? will you ever be able to trust her?

a marriage based on these factors could only hurt you and the kids. even kid #2 only knows u as father.

it will be hard but it's better to start over now than 10 yrs from now.

Answer 9

Maybe deep down inside you really love her and you just haven't figured it out yet. It just might be meant for you two to be together and that's why you can't let go. There's probably a message that you two need to stay together. But when she cheats again you need to leave. You could find someone better. After all it's never easy to let go. Also it's never a right time to say:Good-Bye when you really love that person.

Answer 10

So she holds onto you as long as you're in her sight, is that how it is?

A very wise person once told me that we hook up to people of equal dysfunction. This really ticked me off because I was complaining about how bad my partner was....and this made me realize I was as unhealthy as he was at the time. Man, the truth hurts when its done making you mad.

My casual answer would by you have a codependency issue and could benefit from counseling and some self-help books like The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie (I may have misspelled her name).