We've been together for 7.5 years, married for 5. We talked about this very early in our relationship, with me telling him "I want kids, if you don't, then maybe you should just move on." He said he would be fine with one, two max. Well maybe be fine with, got lost in translation. He told me last night that if I were to get pregnant without specifically asking his permission, he'd leave- "accidents don't happen." Also, that he'd probably be happier to see our dogs that any child we might have. His dad was absentee, and he resents him for it, and I've pointed that out, but he says he resents him for the ensuing divorce not the absenteeism. I am 31 and he is 36 so age is not an issue. He is used to doing what he wants when he wants with little regard to others, and I think losing that is his biggest fear. I really wanted him to WANT a kid, not just accept it. I don't think it is responsible to have a child into those circumstances. To me this seems almost like a deal breaker, am I right?
2007-01-04 03:38:37 · 11 answers · asked by bunnyhead 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
I do want to say, we've talked about this off and on throughout our entire relationship and he always either avoids the topic when I bring it up, to say I'd like to plan for it, or says he's not ready, well for health reasons (mine and any child's) time is running out, and I'm not pushing him, I'm asking him
2007-01-04 03:52:12 · update #1
I have suggested adoption, to that he says absolutely no.
2007-01-04 04:28:28 · update #2
My (male) best friend also had this issue recently after a 15 year relationship, suffice to say the relationship abruptly ended.
I was like how can you not talk about that for 15 years?
I personally think you need to go to a councillor as your husband seems to be ignorant towards what you need from the relationship, and ultimately children. It doesn't make a lot more difference today but the risks (as you probably know already get a lot greater the old you have children).
It sounds to me like he wants\needs you to talk to him about it that's all. Don't misinterpret his words I read it as I want us to discuss and plan a child not I don't want them now at all.
Talk to him gawddamit!! :))
In answer to your last question tho yes he should want a child, if you are at this stage now try and imagine a relationship where he has no time at all for himself and ask yourself (and talk to him about it) whether you could bring up a child on your own from birth. However I think it would take someone extremely cold not to natually react to his own child.
HTHs
2007-01-04 03:47:26 · answer #1 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a big issue because there really is no happy medium. Either you have the child, and he is upset, or you don't and you are the unhappy one. This would definately be a deal breaker for me. Do you honestly want to be with a man who would deny you the wonderful experience of mother hood? You should tell him that you are leaving if he will not give you a child. Then, pack your things and leave, plain and simple. A man that selfish would enjoy his extra freedom anyway.
2007-01-04 11:59:38 · answer #2 · answered by princess kiki 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He lead you on thinking that one day you were going to have kids.that was a good one if you got pregnant last time I checked you can't get yourself pregnant .Your clock is ticking and you need to run out that door and leave him.He is not a family man it seems and to bring a child into this world with him does not seem to be a good life for that child. So he wants to be free let him be free by his self.Good luck on having a baby I hope your first one is healthy.I have two and I wouldn't change a thing about having them.you will see.
2007-01-04 11:56:01 · answer #3 · answered by shorty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it would be a deal breaker for me! for a few reasons.
the fact that he doesn't beleive in 'accidents' and is so against kids that he'd leave is so controlling & selfish, i doubt he cares about anyone but himself. having children is important to you, & he should care about your wishes. he lured you into continuing the relationship on the premise that the two of you would have a child, that's false pretenses. i'd be livid. if you had known he absolutely did not want children (as he's saying now) would you have married him in the first place? if not, leave that turd on the curb.
2007-01-04 11:48:21 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes definitely a deal breaker. He knew going into the relationship that you did want kids. It is not your fault that he changed his mind somewhere down the line. He should not keep you from having a child if you want one when he knew ahead of time. Motherhood is the best thing I have ever done.
2007-01-04 11:44:08 · answer #5 · answered by seslies 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like the marriage is long over. Get your self-esteem up and end the marriage. When you find someone else who loves you and you love him you can have your dream come true. This guy is toast.
Also he couldnt make it more clear he does NOT want a kid and there are more than enough kids suffering thru rotten lives because they were raised in nasty and broken homes.
2007-01-04 11:48:46 · answer #6 · answered by larrydoyle52 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do u really want to stay all ur life with this man?nowing that he'll never understand u and never grant ur biggest wish?there are a lot of guys out there that grew up without a father but they aren't so selfish and actually this kind of guys want kids and want to be there for them, not to leave them alone.if u don't have any other bigger wish that he can fullfil then don't waste your time with him.u only have one life....
2007-01-04 11:48:59 · answer #7 · answered by blabla 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why not adopt
Your husband sounds perfect to me and if you can i have him?
It is really hard for me to find a man that is like me and I think that you are very blind and will regret it
Did you marry your husband just to use him to have kids
your and your husband should put each other first and kids are second
Allot of smart people have kids in their 40s
and the reason i say adopt is that their are already over 6 billion human savages running loose why add to that and do something unselfish and adopt
I am in the process of adopting to children from China
2007-01-04 12:19:20 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
Seems like it is time to leave and find a partner with the same life (family) goals/plans as you.
2007-01-04 11:45:34 · answer #9 · answered by boredperv 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Asking his permission!!?? Talk about control! Seek counseling, both of you. Your hubby has issues that needs to be looked at. You need to find out why you are pushing the "kids" issue at him.
2007-01-04 11:47:23 · answer #10 · answered by *~WaterDancer~* 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋