Mature Question...?

Question

I have a need to know how to help my husband with an occasional "failure" of his equipment. There is no medical problem. We're sure it's stress related. But, he get's frustrated and gives up. I want to be understanding, helpful and if I can, I'd like to find a way for us to continue without being pushy. I usually just hold him and reassure him that I'm OK with that (I am).

But I really get the feeling he'd like me to do something and can't tell me what. So, is it all in his head? Is it kissing and cuddling that he needs or more?

If your answers are too explicit for this forum please mail me.

And hey, save the cute crap for the kids, OK? I'm for real.

You can nix the chemical "help" he 's a very natural guy and we are talking a VERY occasional thing which is why I have no clue as to what to do.

He's generally hard as a rock guys - no kidding. No alcohol, an athlete. Marathon runner.

Answer 1

When he gives up, you don't give up on him. If he rolls over, give him a backrub, if he pushes you away, stick with him. Tell him he doesn't have to worry about anything, and make it true. Take the chance to take responsibility for your pleasure and his. If you think it's stress that's causing it, make it so that at least the sex is non-stressfull.

Sometimes I feel like a lot of women don't realize how stressful it can be seducing them. You can show him you understand by assuming all that pressure. Consider: if it were a reverse situation, and your husband were putting up a question about how to help when you weren't able to get yourself in the mood, everyone would be telling him how selfish he was and how he needs to seduce you. Give yourself that same advice. Treat him like the center of your world.

Answer 2

I second Arthur D. What he says about exercises is 100% true. I would suggest that you both practice Yoga first thing in the morning. Yoga works from the inside out. It strengthens the internal organs and helps the organs pump the right amount of hormones and juices into the target organs. Practice deep breathing for about 5 to 10 minutes to begin with as it energizes the body and its parts by supplying enough oxygen to the cells. Meditation for even a minute or 2 to begin with is the perfect stress relief. So to sum it all up, the whole session will be over in 30 mintues. I am sure within a week of this routine, you will see results. But consistency is the key. Practice it without fail.
Good luck and please do not worry, it is just a passing phase. Everything will be alright.

Answer 3

If this is a very occasional thing, why not call it a night? Why frustrate him more by trying to find a way to continue? I'm sensing something else in your question. Why do you say he'd like you to do something and can't tell you what? And why do you talk about answers being too explicit for this forum?

You're a schemer and probably the reason why your husband is stressed--if there is a husband. Something about you is false.

Answer 4

OK. Basically it just sounds as if he's a bit stressed and perhaps overly concerned with performance anxiety; that's the most common cause of erectile problems.

If they guy is normally as virile as you say, then one can only assume it's stress.

I was going to recommend Viagra, but because that works "naturally," if a person is distracted during sex for any reason (again, stress) the erection will flag just as easily. And, just for the record, too many guys have this "I don't need that sort of thing" mindblock, when actually ED drugs are used by a wide range of men, not becuase they can't achieve erection; it's more like "erection insurance."

But, good luck to you. My guess would be either job stress, performance anxiety or something that's bugging him that he can't (yet) share with you.

And, I'm for real, too. Been happily married +36 yrs.

Answer 5

I think the trick is to make sure he is relaxed before you start. You may need to take more time when you know he is stressed. Shower together and trade backrubs. Plan on just cuddling and not having sex - tell him you just want to be close. Sometimes that removes all his pressure to perform and with no stress - it happens.

Also, keep up the kissing and cuddling after he has a problem. I've noticed that within the hour, and a little oral, things may change.......

Sometimes they feel better if they can take care of you...they still accomplish something that way and don't feel so bad about their "problem".

Answer 6

pick a day to go have fun doing something you both enjoy,
be playful and attentive and keep the conversation carefree
and that evening ease into bed with a renewed spirit. try something different and unexpected maybe start with a massage and go slow and as things progress stay in the moment even if
he tries to give up just continue stimulating him or yourself as if nothing is wrong (don't say a word let your actions speak for you just do anything but what you two have been doing) and just maybe things will turn around for you both. of course it may not work the first or second time but, keep trying.

you could also try some new lingerie, body oils, toys, maybe in
a different room or time of the day, catch him off guard in the shower or after he gets out, make him feel sexy-grab his butt
when he walks by and flash him a smile, fix him a favorite meal
and have a little wine with candle light, and the most important make him feel good about himself away from the bedroom-let him know how good of a provider he his, how fortunate you feel to have him in your life, etc.

i think it is great that you are reaching out to help your husband he is really lucky to have you just try not to focus so much on
him that you lose yourself or become resentful, ultimately he
will have to work this out for himself.

i think as long as you both love each other and have good communication you can overcome anything.

l

Answer 7

It very well could be stress related. It is probably very frustrating for him because he wants to do things and he is not getting the response needed (not from you, from himself). It could also be that he is putting too much pressure on himself. I have been there myself and the more I try to make it happen the less likely it is to happen. As a man, especially a 25 year old like myself, it is very frustrating when things don't want to work properly. If this is something that continues to happen have him talk to a doctor. It is not as uncommon as some people might think.

Answer 8

OK! Great question and details. This I know. You have heard the expression "snowballing" or "like a snowball rolling down hill". The problem gets bigger and fast! That explains the progression taking place in a man's head concerning the mental effects that break his 'woody'. I know, I have dealt with this. First I should say that nothing my wife could say to me made the problem better. We men put the complete responsibility of a successful sexaul moment on our shoulders. We take responsibility in our minds. After all, we are the ones who need to 'get up'. We feel that a woman only needs to lay there and if dry, "spit".
Maturing in the mind is the answer. I am not calling him inmature. Sexual maturity is a long process I believe and a spriitual process must take place within himself to feel completely comfortable in his own skin. I had to fully accept my sexual failures and stop beating myself up over them. I had to adopt the idea that I was the one with the burden of producing wood and that she was a lucky recipient if I were to give it up. I had to make myself feel special and important. And selfishly so. Hey, we fail to get wood sometimes. Oh well, she missed out!
It did strengthen my mind by going straight down and giving her the satisfaction of the toungue. This give me the confidence that she still got that 'good' feeling from me. This was critical. Of course you cannot just push his head down. He may feel you are doing this in response to sexual frustration and this would make things worse. Try slowly advancing your pelvic area toward his face. And when he finally licks, scream like the dickens in delight. This alone will probably slam those vessells shut that hold the blood in the wood. Have fun. If he needs to talk to a guy annonymously, have him email me.
Dawson

Answer 9

This will sound silly, but if you know the cause is stress related, just get him away from the stress. He could just need some time to unwind before you try and get intimate. A good massage can just melt the stress away. Theres always the medical alternatives like viagra, but if this problem is inconsistent i would not turn to drugs just yet.

Answer 10

My husband works like a dog and comes home stressed but still in the mood for sex and often we have the same problem. It may be that you are rushing into the actual intercourse and need to have more foreplay to ease his stress. I've learned that a long massage, and then giving him oral sex first really does work. Sometimes when he is really stressed we don't even have intercourse after foreplay, I just massage him and perform oral sex until he is satisfied. That way, there is really no pressure on his part to preform for me. Do this a few times and see how it goes.