Overcontrolling, overreacting, wife and mother?

Question

Hello, this is my first post. Don't know where to start really because there is so much I'd like to say....but I'll start with this.

We're married for over 2.5years, have two boys, and another on the way, since the beginning I didn't feel like this is a good relationship, and even two months before our marriage I decided to break up, and then immediately find out that she is about 2-4weeks pregnant, what a "great" timing.

Nevertheless, we decide to still get married and things are just getting worse and worse. She basically thinks I want to have sex with any good looking woman out there, she'll "inform" me that I am staring at some girls in not so polite way, even when I am not looking, when I tell her I purposely didn't look at her she'll come back and say but you wanted to and just had to stop yourself. This is the tip of the iceberg. Ohhh, I never cheated even though if I did I probably wouldn't feel bad about it because of all the arguments we have had. I can't type anym

She'll constantly bring up anything to argue about, for the past 3 months we rarely slept with each other in the same bed. We went to a new years party and that brought in another argument that I didn't dance with her, how can I dance with someone who hates me so much, she swears at me every day about stuff which is totally meaningless, I loose my cool too because its no way to live. But recently I just try to acknowlege that I am the ahole so she stops this charade in front of the kids. When I tell her to stop cuz kids are watching she'll say its my fauld she is like this and she can't do anything about it. I just feel like I can't be with her anylonger, she says the same thing to me, she has seen her ex at the same party, first she told me he didn't see her but she seen him, then she told me next day during another argument that if her ex wasn't there with his girlfriend she would sleep with him that night. Lot of it is just talk to hurt me I think.

She'll even call my mom (really bad words) even though my mon never said anything to her, she didn't even say anything bad about my wife to me, that is because she thinks my mom loves my brothers kids more than mine, which I think is a load of poo. Did I mention a day doesn't go by that we have an argument sometime ending in physical contact, she even threw knife at me twice, not aiming direcly at my face but legs, she'll throw other things too whateven she is able to grab. I called cops on her once, the flew the house, she says she'll call cops on me but that never happens.

Deep down I think she is totally unhappy she is stay at home mom, I work and I have a side business which she doesn't help me with at all, yet she wants all the money I make, telling me that I don't know how to spend. We've known each other 5 years and I even paid off her $15,000 dept, bought a house, new car last year, a ring which she threw in my face 10times before we got married.

Wow this forums is super quick,

How can I reply to your ANSWERS,

Can you bring in kids to counseling, well I should get a nanny anyway. they are 2yr and 1yr.????

Answer 1

I feel for ya, Bud. Try to be the better person and do not show her disrespect (even when she is disrespecting you), but try to set some reasonable boundaries when she oversteps the boundaries of a sane, functional person.

That's gotta be your compass in this mess for both of your behaviors: if this were somebody else, are these "actions" reasonable? It's easy to let yourself get caught up in those emotional rollercoasters and lose it if you haven't already, but from what you describe... you have a power-play on your hands: somebody is trying to control you, and they cannot control you no matter how hard they try, so it is self-defeating, and they may not realize that. These patterns may be ingrained from childhood, and it may take more reasonable self-reflection than you or she is capable of to break out (sometimes counseling can help--sometimes psychotherapy can help--for some a priest or minister can do the trick).

This may not turn out well: you need to accept that. You need to not engage in the power-plays without being a submissive wimp, and it's as easy as understanding that her problems are her problems, and your problems are your own, and the two sets of problems likely have nothing to do with each other at this point.

Answer 2

Hey man this is EXACTLY what I always talk about on here. I am one of the sharpest guys out here, And I tell it like I see it. This is what I've observed throughout my life. I find that women nearly 75% are so insecure, they blame the man for all their troubles. Number 2 is that they think they'll find happiness in "material" things which is always wrong, hence, they blame the guy. Sounds to me like you have an immature, insecure woman on your hands, and If my wife ever yelled vulgar words at me in front of the kids, I'd most likely be in jail.
It's all these things I hear every day from guys which makes me extremely hesitant to have children which I am 99% sure I won't. What scares the hell out of me, is a woman who you have children with, who one day wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, and gets in one of her "moods". When I first started dating my girl, she was insecure too, and I told her point blank "If I'm gonna cheat on you, i'd rather be single, so grow the hell up already." I feel bad for today's women, their so influenced by all the drama out there, especially on the television. WOMEN WANT WHAT THEY DON'T HAVE, remember that.
Sorry man, but counseling will not help her, it would help you because you seem like a pretty cool guy judging by your post. Just do right for you kids. Women are a dime a dozen. Take some time for yourself. Best of luck.

Answer 3

Yea, well like many marriages in the United States, you unfortunetly married out of the sake of your children, and while that might have been a noble motive, you have been living a lie for the past 2.5 years and will not be able to find happiness in this situation. You could try seek counsling, however i suggest you find a way to remove your wife from the equation that is your life. Even though a divorce is a terrible thing, it is a neccesity. In the long run you will be happier and so will your children.

Answer 4

Please take my advice. I have had this same experience, and also have many couples come to counseling dealing with this situation.

Either the wife must admit she has a problem, and then work to correct it or this marriage will never work.

Several years ago I was married to a woman who acted just exactly as you describe. The pregnancy the whole bit sounds just like the events of my marriage with that woman.

We entered counseling, when i mentioned her behavior to the counselor she flung herself out of the chair and attacked me physically.

To make a long story short. If she won't enter counseling (joint), then this problem will grow ever worse and that will lead to an end to the marriage.

If you feel counseling isn't an option i'd file for divorce and go through with it.

Answer 5

Wow! I probably would have killed her by now so kudos to you for your incredible self control!

I am not a fan of divorce, but this is no way for you or your children to live. Start documenting things. Try to get some on video or audio tape as proof. Get friends & family to witness and give statements about her emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. Once the court sees what she is like you will get custody of those precious kids. None of you are safe around her. And even if the kids do escape physical harm, being raised by her will cause severe emotional damage to them.

Good luck!!! God bless!!

Answer 6

First off,, that made me LOL hard. I'm getting weird looks from my kids because of hard I laughed. Did she mean that you needed another 3 bucks before you could pay for your sub? Or did she mean your *ahem* was tiny? Either way, I would have just laughed it off.. Once, my brother went to Sub Way with his girlfriend in the mall, and it was 5 dollars for a 6 inch sub. later that night, after telling his friends, I over heard and said without thinking "Aww poor girl, she was expecting a foot long and only got 6 inches" well, his guy friends BURST out laughing and after a minute, I realized what I had said and laughed with them. My brother laughed as well.. Don't take everything so personally, people like a joke, Join in once in a while =D

Answer 7

You dug this one my friend.You should never have gotten such a woman pregnant.Not just for your sanity,but for the sanity of your children.Apples don't fall far from trees.Why in the world did you choose such a woman to impregnate and then marry? Cheating isn't an option for your soul is at stake in an adulterous affair so unless you divorce her you are in for the long haul.Get some marriage counseling so maybe the kids will at least get some sane parents out of this.

Answer 8

If everything you said is true she is wacked. I'm sorry to be so harsh but wow! I can't believe that you were able to put up with this as long as you have. I think that for your own sanity you do need to leave. I know you have kids but in this case I think that i would go down and get papers , legal separation and temporary child custody unitl you see a judge. I don't think she is good for the kids to be around. YOU know that if you go file the papers first you get the temporary custody until the hearing? I feel sorry for you it sounds like you have been a good husband. Good for you, please keep us posted on how this turns out. i will always wonder about this one.

Answer 9

Number one, you should have never got married to her in the first place. I understand that she got pregnant, but you could have still provided support without placing a ring on her finger.

Second, you need to talk to her about her behavior and let her know that it upsets you. You don't like being accused of something that you are not doing. If you are truly miserable about this, you need to let her now.

Finally, don't cheat. If you and your wife can not make things work, it is best that you both get divorced, rather than cheat behind her back and treat her in this manner.

Answer 10

Is this a two way street? Does she look at other men? Movie stars and singers count. If she catches you looking at a woman, just say, "Well you like to watch *insert name of star here* and I like to watch her. Get over it." If she tries to argue, say, "Fine, stop watching *insert name of star here* movies and we'll talk about it." Then *purposely* go back to staring. If she tries to say anything, say, "Sorry, I'm busy." If she complains that you aren't showing respect, say, "Look, you never respect me, you start showing me some respect, then we'll talk about me showing you some respect. I tried not looking for the last 2 years, you didn't respect it, so I'm trying a different approach. So far, I like it better. You treat me with the same amount of respect, and I get to look at other women. Works great for me. I'd rather have respect than a bunch of women, but if I can't have respect, then a bunch of women is a good runner up."