I've been married 23 years...now I want out. How?

Question

I've been married for 23 years with three kids; 21, 19, and 15. I've wanted out for years but never knew how. For the most part, I've been a SAHM. Now I work full time making about $15.00 an hour. I depended on his paycheck to take care of my children. I don't know how to make it financially on my own. We were married very young...I was 19. Everytime I mention the "D" word.....he gets all nice and sucks up for a few days then he just returns to his old ways. I'll admit I'm cold and avoid him as much as possible. But he is no better. He's at the point where he blames me for every bad thing in our marriage for 23 years; money issues, kid issues, etc. He has destroyed my self-esteem. I'm done. I thought I could stick it out a few more years until my youngest is on his own. But now I think that will do more harm than good. I don't have any money of my own. How do I prepare to put an end to this marriage?

Answer 1

wow, i have a feeling he will not argue with you when you tell him how serious you are. it sounds like you both agree you're bad for each other now. so that's something.

look up numbers for "amicable" divorce lawyers... i'm not sure of the term in your area... the idea is that the two of you agree on how to divvy things up and that you aren't sueing each other, etc. it's a faster way to do it, if you both agree on terms.

Answer 2

Marriage is hard on all of us and sometimes it does not turn out exactly how we planned it. But the two of you have been together for a very long time and it sounds as though you are in a rut. You said you are cold to him and he is the same, have you tried to have a serious conversation about how you are feeling instead of blaming everything on one another. After all 23 years of marriage is a long time to hold things in. We tend to let our children become our whole life and then we forget about each other. As the children grow and move out we forget how to be with one another. Maybe now is the time for some serious conversation and weighing of the pro's and con's. If after trying everything possible things are still the same then maybe divorce is the only answer. With the money you make you should not have a problem finding a place to live. During a divorce you will get a settlement and he will have to pay support for the youngest child and that should help. No matter what you decide you do have friends and family that will support and help you and you need to turn to them at this time. You will need all the encouragement and strength you can get from them and yourself. Best of luck to you and yours.

Answer 3

Try and focus on the positive things. This could be a new start for you and your son. It is never to late to start over and have an exciting new life. Become your own best friend, be good to yourself and get involved with some outside activities. Perhaps take some college classes to help you get a better job. This will also help get you back into the mainstream again where you will meet new people. There is a lot of help out there for displaced homemakers. You don't need a man to take care of you. You just need a little confidence and encouragement. You are a woman and you can do anything. Good luck and have fun!

Answer 4

The Three S's

Separate Checking Accounts
Separate Bills
and Finally Separate Living Arrangements

Try to separate as much of your life as possible in advance of the Divorce. Be clear with him, that your marriage was over several years ago and that it's time that the two of you constructively part ways. Tell him your intention is not to destroy him and ask him politely to help the two of you take apart the aparatus of marriage, so you can part ways, but still be the loving parents that have raised three great kids. There will always be times for you to be together, but at age 42, you need to begin to establish separate lives and separate paths.

That said, if your husband was the only one trying for a few days, I urge you to look at your own complicity in this disaster. If you haven't sought external help or haven't discussed the actual issues in your marriage, you've been every bit of 1/2 of the problem as he has.
Good luck

Answer 5

You do have a bit of a pickle, not knowing what country you're in doesn't help but where I am, he'd probably have to pay maintainence and child support. Also, the family home might stay with you, I think you need to see a lawyer. As for the other matter of him blaming you etc, gee, I can relate to that. Hey, it ain't all your fault, it's a 50/50 thing even if it's not. But by the sound of it, he's a control freak and has kept you in line all these years with putdowns, intimidation, eroding your belief in yourself. Sure, it'll be tough on your own but many others have done it, so you can too! Good luck and cheers!

Answer 6

You absolutely need to save money on your own. Open your own bank account (he does not have to know about it) and put small amounts of money away at a time. Sell everything that you don't absolutely need or want to get extra money and to avoid having to split it with him during the divorce. Find yourself an affordable place and put a deposit on it to hold it for a month or two. Then, most importantly, find a good lawyer and file BEFORE YOU LEAVE. That is critical. Judges are much more lenient with women if you do not abandon your husband (or family). I hate to see anyone get divorced. And I would like to suggest marriage counseling. But, after 23 years... You know when enough is enough. Good luck!

Answer 7

go to youre ywca and they can help get you set up in low income housing and from there will help prepare you for a job and so forth.YOu dont have to leave on a dime if he's not beating you.mental can be just as bad i will grant you. But ifyou really want out. doit step by step. go to youre ywca.then go to job service and tell them you need traing and help to be able to make it on youre own.But if you dont want him to find out dont tell anyone what youre doing.Plus if you have control of the money say like he brings home 550 put away the 50 in youre own account and start the process you long for.
I did this when i was first married and it worked i moved to washinton state and a year later he asked me to come back and geuss what he had changed totaly i have been married for 24 years and we got married at 17 him 24.Now my children are gone and I have eight wonderful grandchildren. so good luck.

Answer 8

You can never prepare for ending your marriage love. I ended my marriage, we hadn't been married as long as you have (18mths) but we'd been together 7 years and like you I tried everything to get htings back on until I just couldn't take anymore.

I looked at my daughter who was only very tiny and thought she didn't deserve to be brought up in an environment like the one she was in and I just ended.

You need to get in contact with your local benefits agency/social secrutiy to see if there is anything that is out there to help you out financially. Over here in England we have Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit which bumps your wage up and also helps towards childcare, you could have something similar.

Also get a good lawyer darling, believe me you're going to need it. I wont lie and say its a walk in the park because its far from it, its tough. I had hell for almost 2 years and aftyer being seperated for 3 years I still get crap from him and his new wife but I have my life back, my self-esteem is soaring higher and higher everyday and my confidencew is coming back and I am now with a fantaastic man that I wish I'd have met years ago.

Good luck and take you lfe back, in 2 hands and go for it xx

Answer 9

1st off you make $15./hr---that calculates out to: $600 a week.
Open your own account for the 1st thing! From this day forward do not comingle your $$$$$$$

Put $400.00 into your checking and $200.00 into your savings weekly.

Move out of your marital bed---Establish yourself in another room in your house as your sleeping quarters.

You can stay in your marital residence and just live your own life as you want. Just don't discuss anything with your spouse. Make decisions for yourself and for your youngest child living at home. You've waited 23 years what's 3 more to wait until your youngest is graduated highschool. Do the math---if you have deligently saved $200 wkly for 3 years you'll have $31,200.00 to start your new life on. Think about it very seriously calculate every move you make!

Establish yourself with your own credit---Stop depending on your husband for anything. At $400 deposited into your own checking account that computes out to weekly $400 and over a years time that is $20,800.00. Learn to manage your budget for yourself and your children on $400/weekly. Contribute a small portion to the marital bills or you buy the groceries for yourself and your child. The older children should be helping contribute to the household financially---if they're not then they should be told show me the $$$ or get out!

Take your time and be very precise and calculating. You get your self esteem back by getting some back bone and standing up for yourself. You don't have to be mean and nasty about it you just make changes in your life that will be beneficial for YOU and YOU alone!

When you finally do make it the remaining 3 years before you file this divorce----You'll withdraw all the monies you've saved (you don't want this to become a marital asset----you put the money in a cashiers draft made out to you to cash upon the granting of your divorce. If he has a 401k or pension you'll be entitled to 1/2 of it so that should be a nice hunk of change too. You'll also more than likely be entitled to maintenance (used to be called alimony)----If you're self supporting and have $$$ to support you think twice about encombering yourself with maintenance...from him!
You and he will more than likely have to sell the marital residence but that's OK too.....Equity built up and the sale will give you 1/2 of the proceeds to start you knew life off without the baggage you've been carrying for so long.

Make new friends in your journey to freedom. Get yourself a good ground of supporting friends. Church, family, etc.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU !

Answer 10

well, you need to start by not trying to talk to him. you need to start acting. if you two own your own home then don't leave it and find a lawyer. he will be able to help you on the legal aspects. you will need some support. hope you have friends it will take alot of support. then move to another room to sleep and start separating yourself from him. its very hard and very scary. you really need to know you are someone and that when you come out of this in the end you will be a whole new person. a person who is one, and not two. you will go through alot of transitions and it won't be easy. make a move for yourself, no one can help you but you. he was someone you use to be in love with and hes the father of your children, but sounds like you have grown apart. so sorry

Answer 11

Why did you use him all that time? ("I depended on his paycheck to take care of my children.")

No offense, lady, but you sound like a 45 year old adolescent who feels feels feels without ever thinking three years or three minutes ahead. You need to THINK about life, the good and the bad, and look at your place in it before making this leap. Your story doesn't paint you as a very sympathetic human being, I have to be honest. I smell the oncoming deep regret of a shallow individual.