Why has she regressed?

Question

My daughter is 3 months old and has recently started to become an absolute nightmare. She used to sleep for up to 7 hours at a time during the night and will now rarely go for any longer than 3 hours. She tires herself out so cries all day and refuses to sleep, unless it is after 3.30pm, which means she's then not tired at night. I've tried putting her in her cot and letting her cry, to see if she'll cry herself to sleep but she doesn't. Feeding her doesn't work. She used to be such a happy, placid baby and I loved being with her. I now dread her waking up every morning and hate being at home with her all day as she is such a nightmare. Why has she changed so much? It has happened within the last 2-3 weeks. It's got to the stage where I wish I hadn't even had her, which sounds awful and makes me feel like the worst mother in the world.

Answer 1

"I now dread her waking up every morning and hate being at home with her all day as she is such a nightmare. Why has she changed so much? It has happened within the last 2-3 weeks. It's got to the stage where I wish I hadn't even had her, which sounds awful and makes me feel like the worst mother in the world."

I think your answer might be right there in what you said. Babies keenly pick up on your emotional state. They can sense how you feel in your voice, the way you hold them, probably even stress hormones in your skin, breath, milk. If your feelings about your baby and being with your baby are described by words or phrases like "dread", "such a nightmare", "feel like the worst..." then it sounds like you feel strongly about it. Your baby is probably picking up on your stress and tension where what she really needs is the nonverbal communication of love, care, and a safe environment.

Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine if something were happening to you and you knew nothing about it and had no control over it, but for some reason it's upsetting you and you feel stressed and cry because it's all you know to do. You have someone who you are with all the time, and they feel that you are such a nightmare, they dread being around you, and they wish you were never born. Do you think that would make you feel very good? Your baby is so young, you are her entire world, she's almost a part of you and even though she can't talk and doesn't know much, she's programmed with instinct, and the two of you have a relationship. That relationship is everything to her, and you are the one who determines how that relationship works, whether it is stressful and negative, or if it is positive and really shows your care and love.

You shouldn't feel like the worst mother. You just need to understand that it's your actions that will control the situation. It's up to you to understand how to deal with the situation and fix it, and that you can learn how to do that. The root cause isn't that you have a bad baby, it's probably just that you didn't quite know how to deal with the situation. Kids take a lot of patience and effort, but, if you know how to make life easier for them and yourself, it can help a whole lot.

Just realize that your baby will pick up on you and reflect your feelings, and if you can relax and feel more positive, she can relax and improve too. If you start to feel better about her, she will start to feel better, and you can probably make things easier for both of you. Leaving her in her cot to cry herself to sleep is the wrong thing to do if she is so upset, just keep her close, against your body, look at her, touch her, talk to her, carry her around. Windows are good for distracting babies if they are upset, they enjoy watching and learning and the more new things you show them, the more chance there is they will see something that will grab their attention and help them forget about feeling upset. If it would help you to stay close and pay attention then get some earplugs. You might be able to drop your stress level like that and really help things.

She might also have something that is bothering her and making her upset, it could be different things, ear infection, allergy, bright light, scary noises, tight/chafing/non breathing diaper or clothes, or some kind of health or environment related thing other than the vibe she picks up from you.

Answer 2

it's so frustrating isn't it?!
Baby's eating and sleeping patterns change every few weeks... you could just be going through a phase.

I know with my son I could';t put him down for a minute just to go to the bathroom with out him screaming his head off.. the solution i found was to carry him around in a sling.. something about being close to you and the movement makes them content,
Failing that, when it seems as though you have done absolutley everything, i know it can be frustrating... but take some deep breaths in another room or what i do is run a hot bath 98-100 degrees and I get in with y baby with some dried lavader in the water and we just chill... the warm water and skin on skin contact help to sooth the baby.. and you! try this at night!
I'd also take a look at your feeding schedule/method.
Sorry you are at your wits end.. deep breaths... it won;t be like this for too long,, and you will figure it out. I DO know how you feel!
Please take great caution with any medication unless yo know for sure what the cause of the baby's discomfort is!

Answer 3

Infinite regress would be logically impossible. It would mean that their is no primary cause..... which ruins the cause and effect relationship. The chain could be nearly infinite, but their would have to be a stop. The only way that this is plausable without ruining the laws of causation (which are essential for everything in the universe) would be a closed temporal loop. In other words if the big bang occurs.... then eventually gravity pulls everything back together in a big crunch..... then that force of collision causes a big bang. The end is the cause for the beginning.... this way their is a first cause, but it is also infinite regress.

Answer 4

Are you feeding her enough? Mabye she needs more ounces a day and she is really just hungry. Mabye she is overtired and that will make any baby cranky..being that she is barely sleeping what she used to that could be it. Try to put her to sleep by putting her close to your heart and cover her (including her head) with a blanket and rocking her until she falls into a deep sleep dont put her to sleep- with a blanket over her face though and she wont sufforcate if you are right there and then put her down. Give her a pacifier if that calms her down as well. She could be growing and that makes babies fussy aswell...I just suggest making sure all of her needs are met...if she is overtired feed her a 4-6 oz bottle at least and rock her into sleep...if she is starting to teeth then a pacifier helps with that as well..and there is baby medicine you can give for teething. It could be many things..try everything you can until you find something that works. I get frusterated with my baby when she cries and cries and i basically have to stop what im doing (that needs to be done) and console her sometimes for up to half an hour or more and take care of her needs but just relax and be attentive...she is the most important thing in your life and realize this to wil pass.

Answer 5

3 Months is too young to let cry until she falls a sleep. I can understand where you are coming from though... The best thing to do is sooth her. Make her feel comfortable so that she can go to sleep. If you have a rocking chair, gently rock her to sleep on your chest or in your arms. Or gently rub her back or body to help relax her. Do these things while singing calmly softly to her. She can't fall a sleep because she is not relaxed.

I think the main thing for you is to get some rest. See if someone can watch the baby for you while you catch up on "you" time. Your baby will not be calm unless you are calm. Do your best not to stress yourself out. The relationship between you and your baby is very important at this stage. She will begin to calm down eventually as long as you calm down. I know its hard, but if you continue to stress yourself out then your baby will be stressed out and not able to fall asleep. Baby's need 150%, not 100%.

Answer 6

ok your not the worst mum in the world. it is frustrating when you don't know whats wrong.

if she wakes up at night, she might be in pain so try some panadol or similar (paracetamol). it may be that she is teething even though you won't actually see the teeth for another month or two.

also, if she has learned a new skill such as rolling over etc, she may be waking up to practice. babies do this as they get new skills they sort of get excited and want to try it out at the oddest times. (wait until they can climb up to standing but can't get down again - that's fun). if it is a new skill, it will soon pass in a week or two.

at 3 months she shouldn't be crying herself to sleep but you could try controlled crying. if you want more info on that just email me and i'll detail it for you.

You might find that panadol, a little comforting and perhaps even a sip of water is enough to get her back to sleep. (Be warned though she may continue to wake up each night as a new 'habit' for attention in which case you will have to do controlled crying if she goes on for longer than say two weeks)

good luck and let me know if you want more info

Answer 7

It could be teething pains. While most babies don't get teeth until 6+ months, there are some that get them at 3 months. You should talk to your pedi about it. She could be sick or have an ear infection that's making her uncomfortable since it has come on so suddenly.

Answer 8

it sounds like your baby has colic, which usually starts in babies around 3 months and ends around 6 months. there is no known cause, but several theories on it, Fortunately, there are also several different things you could do to soothe your crier. I would go to baby.com or huggies.com or savvymoms.com and ask for advice and definitely let your baby's doc know.

Answer 9

When my girls did this, it was teething pain so I gave them either motrin or teething gel; one of my daughters experienced night terrors which isn't really curable per say but putting music on while they sleep helps them sleep through the night; and one of my daughters had collic; so it could be gas.

Answer 10

My answer is not intended to be critical of you at all; but I think being honest is the only way to offer you information that could be useful and helpful. You're not "the worst mother in the world". There's nothing wrong with being honest about how difficult this is for you, and you're on here looking for help.

First, you may want to ask yourself and your doctor whether you could have some post-partum depression.

Second, you need to have her checked out by your doctor to make sure she doesn't have anything wrong that could be causing her distress.

If you have her doctor look at her and determine she's ok then it is something you have done. Since it has happened in the last few weeks (which would mean it began after she passed 8 weeks) I'm going to guess that because babies become more aware of their surroundings after a couple of months there could be something you're doing that is upsetting her more now that it would have when she was a newborn.

Most newborns who don't have colic are "placid".

You shouldn't be allowing her to cry. You should be figuring out what it takes to stop her from crying. Babies don't always cry because they're hungry or wet. They cry because they're over-stimulated (too much going on, too many people passing them around, etc.) or frazzled because they sense their mother is frazzled and don't feel secure.

Here's a link to an short article: http://www.mehtachildcare.com/babies/cryingbaby.htm

Also, why not go to www.zerotothree.org and read about brain development from birth to three years.

Your baby's brain is developing right now, and if you leave her in distress bad things are going to happen that will never be fixed.

Is there anyone you know who is known for keeping babies really happy who might take your baby for a day or two and let you rest? If there isn't...

I think what you need to do is decide that for the next three or four days all you are going to do is hold her as much as possible while she's awake. Don't just sling her over your hip (they don't feel secure with that). Tell yourself to remain calm, no matter what. Hold her in the crook of your arm and in a way that makes her feel reallly secure.

Before she sleeps at night get the lights kind of low in her room, stand in one place and rock back and forth with her slowly and monotonously. Sing a low, boring, monotonous song to her. Hold her up over your shoulder, keep your forearm securely across her back, stroke the back or sides of her head, keep her little face next to yours.

If you have rocking chair you could add rocking her in a chair during the day as well (and if you don't have a chair that rocks just rock in a regular chair). If you do something like feed her in the morning, give her a nice bath (making sure to hold her securely, have the water temperature perfect, and talk pleasantly with her the whole time), put her in her seat for a little while with something she can look at), and the rock her when it gets to be nap time; it could help.

She's not sleeping because she's crying so much. She's probably crying because you aren't doing what it takes to keep her feeling calm. Babies who are kept feeling calm and secure can deal with things more easily. The best way not to have a crying baby is to aim to have them always feel secure, content, safe, calm, and, of course, fed and not too hot or cold.

No matter how frazzled or tired mothers are they pretty much need to be able to fake being calm and cheerful when being with their babies. If they can't do that then they need to get help. The atmosphere in the house doesn't have to be silent, but there can't be all kinds of noises going on at the same time either. Loud talk, loud television, loud music, etc. doesn't create a calm environment. Normal voices, low-ish volume television, and not too many conflicting sounds are what babies need.

Its the same with lights. You don't want a dark house, but you can't have a zillion bright lights on all over the place with televisions or bright sun coming in the window, etc. The lighting should be moderate and simple, not "all frazzling".

Babies get irritable if they're too hot or too cold. If you baby may be too cold (and it doesn't have to feel cold to you for it to be too cold for a baby), you may want to wrap a receiving blanket around her so it comes up under her arms but is higher up over her back. Wrapping the blanket snugly also makes babies feel secure.

Don't let a bunch of people pass her around. It gets over-stimulating for babies. You should be the only one who holds her for the most part; unless her father or a grandparent is particularly good with making her feel secure.

Your problem could be as simple as a too-cold room where she sleeps, which could wake her up and ruin the whole sleep process, leaving her tired and miserable all day.

You could try a snugly-type baby carrier, so she'll be up and going around with you, seeing different things, and not feeling left alone to cry. They get independent as their age changes, so keeping her in a carrier won't make her always want to be slung around your neck. For now, though, it could provide enough snuggling and "goings on" to entertain her.

Is there any chance you're a young mother, and when your baby was "placid" it was how you wanted it, but now she's demanding more from you than you think you should have to devote to her? Children become increasinly demanding, and that's part of the deal. Mothers need to understand that, plan to be engaged with their babies and toddler a good part of the time, and not lose patience if they can't just relax or do something other than be involved with the baby. Many young mothers start to resent the baby's needs, show that resentment to the baby, the baby gets frazzled, and a whole nightmare cycle begins.

The time you devote to just keeping her feeling safe and calm and happy now will pay off because your baby will become a happy, confident, needs-met, toddler who will not be needy and who will be emotionally more mature. People often worry that if they are extremely attentive to the baby and take a lot of time to hold them, play gently with them, sing to them, etc. the baby will become dependent. The opposite is true. If you devote as much time as your baby needs you to now (calmly, happily, and in a way that makes your baby feel safe and wanted and enjoyed) she will have her needs met, develop emotional maturity, and outgrow her wish/need to have you paying attention all the time.

This helpless little creature you have can't even sit up by herself. She cannot talk. Her world is pretty much you. You are her ambassador to the world, and you can show her the world is an understanding, kinding, decent, happy place where her needs will be met and her crying will be calmed; or you can teach her that "the world" will leave her to cry herself to sleep whether or not a crying baby is ever calm enough to fall asleep.

People who cannot sit up on their own, walk, or talk are helpless and tiny. She has not been in this world for very long at all. Everything is new, strange, and sometimes unsettling. Even her own discomfort is more than she can graciously handle. Try to have sympathy for her helplessness and uncertainty in this world that is new for her and don't underestimate your role as "ambassador to the world" for her.

For now you baby doesn't need a whole lot other than just being kept feeling safe and secure and calm. Later she'll have other needs, but this is kind of it as far as her needs go right now. If you are not managing to meet those needs it is very serious in terms of her development. It isn't about you at this point. It is all about her needs being met.

For now, let her sleep when she wants to sleep. You can adjust that later and gradually, after she's out of this stressed out/upset cycle. If you end up rocking her to late-night television with the lights down and seeing some sunrises that's fine too - for now.

So, calm the atmosphere down. Decide you have to be a cheerful, solid, positive, "rock" for your frazzled little baby. Talk to a doctor about whether you have some postpartum depression and whether she could have a health problem. Ask your doctor's office for recommendations or referrals. Ask for assistance from family members or friends. Continue being as honest as you need to be as well so you don't feel you are isolated and have some big secret.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I've noticed that older mothers tend to refer to their babies as "my baby" or "my baby girl" while younger mothers tend to refer to them as "my daughter". I am guessing that you are a young mother who has run into the problems that being a young mother can bring - when the pregnancy is over, the sleeping-newborn period is over, and the challenges begin. There's nothing wrong with having challenges, as long as you do what you've done here, which is ask for some help/information.

Your baby hasn't "regressed". Unless she's got an ear infection or some other health problem, you've made a mess of her. On the one hand, your situation doesn't have to be the end of the world. On the other, what you have said gives off "signals" that you are in a serious, serious, situation that could get worse if you don't get help. (Again, I'm just being honest. Its not my wish to say critical things to you.)

To the best of my understanding, there has been no scientific link between a baby's first months or nurturing and Autism; but since Autism sets in on babies who had been previously fine and later "turned Autistic" I have always wondered if there's a chance that at least SOME cases of Autism could be caused by what happens to a baby's brain when life is so upsetting for him/her he/she tunes out and essentially teaches his brain to develop inappropriately. That's something you may want to look into as well.

Finally, another concern most people who understanding parenting would have is that you may "lose it" some day and shake or otherwise harm your baby.

Because your question is so serious I've taken the time to offer as many ideas as possible. Good luck. You aren't a bad mother, but you're a mother in crisis right now. Talk to your pediatric nurse and see if she can refer you to some solid help.