Marriage of 11 years (with child) breaking up.?

Question

1. My best friend has been married for 11 years and faithful the whole time.
2. They have a child who's 8.
3. She's not employed. He works and just bought her a beautiful home less than 2 months ago.
4. 6 weeks ago she ran into an old friend who offered her pot. She accepted and ended up sleeping with the guy.
5. She won't stop seeing guy #2.
6. She told her husband she wants out because they are not friends.
7. Husband found phone bill with #2's number and called him.
8. She has been out overnight a couple of times and telling her husband she needs space.

She's coming over tomorrow to give me updates and pick up mail that she's having sent here. I am NOT COOL with any of this. My thinking is that she's being too selfish and pot is clouding her judgement. I'm worried that if this does end in divorce she will have nothing not even her child because she can't prove that she can support him.
I'm not good with confrontation.
Help & put words in my mouth!

I think she needs to leave town and I guess I'd need to go with her to keep her truthful. She need to be away from both men so she can get her head on straight. Is this a good idea?

The leaving town thing -
I meant as a retreat for a weekend or a week.

Answer 1

I understand your concern for your friend, but you need to distance yourself from this quickly. You need to tell her she is in danger of losing her husband AND her child. Pot smoking is considered as potentially making her an unfit mother, not to mention adultery. She will be sorry if she chooses this path. Her child will NEVER forgive her. Good luck and remember....don't enable her mistakes.

Answer 2

It is a good idea if she goes for it but I suspect that her real problem is not only the pot but that there was a break up with the first guy some years ago and she never really got over that and she doesn't realize that she is better off now. If the two of you can get off for even a few days help her make a list of the good and bad qualities of both men and remind her that there was a break up in the previous relationship for a reason - possibly the pot - and remind her that it probably won't be any different this time either.other than the fact she will lose a man who loves her and her child, and that her and her husband need to find ways to bring the romance back into that relationship aince if that was sound enough she probably wouldn't have been tempted to do the things she has done. Good Luck!!

Answer 3

Ethical Decisions:
- A Trait Distinctively Human
- Right and Wrong--How Should You Decide?
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2004/12/1/article_01.htm

When a Mate is Unfaithful :
- Infidelity--Its Tragic Consequences
- Is Reconciliation Possible?
- The Option of Divorce
- Meaningful Support
- Why Some Stay Together
- Who Is Responsible?
- Children Do Not Deserve Divorce
- Does God Hate All Divorce?
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1999/4/22/article_01.htm

CHILD CUSTODY--What Is the Balanced View? :
~ What Is in the Child's Best Interests?
~ Child Custody--Religion and the Law
~ Child Custody--A Balanced View
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/1997/12/8/article_01.htm

The Problems of Children ... :
- An Ongoing Search for Solutions
Children Deserve to be Wanted and Loved
- The Solution at Last!
- Help for Young People
- The UN Declaration of the Rights of the Child
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2000/12/8/article_01.htm

DRUG ABUSE--There IS a Solution!
- Drugs--Who Takes Them?
- Why Do People Take Them?
- Drugs--There IS an Answer!
http://www.watchtower.org/library/g/2001/7/8/article_03.htm

(These URLs will likely change, whereafter the Advanced Search at http://watchtower.org/search/search_e.htm will find the new URLs.)

Answer 4

Obviously you need to level with your friend and tell her she's making a foolish decision, especially given the fact that a child is involved. It's one thing for her to throw her own life away, but you should remind her husband and child are being punished for her bad decisions.

If I were her husband I'd be pretty mad. The first thing she needs to do is level with him in terms of what she's done. Getting out of town is not the best idea because it could be construed as running away from her problems. I think the better option is to seek couples counseling and ask her husband to attend with her as well as seeking counseling on her own. That is the best first step toward figuring out what to do. It also will build some creditablity with her husband to at least show that she's trying to fix things. Beyond that, cutting off contact with the other guy would be wise as well.

Answer 5

She should realize how lucky she is to have a friend who really has her best interest at heart. The pot isn't clouding her judgment, the lust is, and she's not ever going to have her husband's trust so, it may be best for her to try and build a life for her & her child. #2 guy won't be around rest asure once she's out in the cold and has no means of going home. The space she's referring too with her husband is the time she's spending with #2 who's there for the lust. Hopefully, she's willing to face facts, and take care of her marriage if there's a chance.

Answer 6

Sometimes people have to make mistakes befor they can actually see the LIGHT! unfortunatly it may screw her for the rest of her life. Some people are just morons, you can tell them what to do, and they simply will not take the knowledge.

She sounds like she's been waiting for a guy #2 to take her away from all her issues. This didn't just happen over night because of POT. She's probably got some deep resentment or what ever towards her husband aand who knows what else. I just can't imagine a weekend retreat will help. It's more like months of therapy for the both of them.

Answer 7

First of all here in the U.S. a parent doesn't have to be able to proove they can support a child in order to have custody of that child. Besides if she gets custody of the child her husband will be paying her child support. Just because she doesn't work now doesn't mean she is unemployable. I'm sure there are part time jobs around she can get and part time work is expierence. Now to the mail thing...in order for her to be able to use your address you would have had to have given her permssion to do so, if you weren't "okay" with any of this why did you do that? If you didn't give your permission then she has no right using your address to have her mail sent to and can get into trouble for (of all things!) mail fraud. She needs to get a post office box if she doesn't want her husband getting her mail. As for her chosen lifestyle...your opinion doesn't count really because you are not her husband, not her judge nor her jury.

Answer 8

In a society in which egocentricity, self-gratification, narcissism, and selfishness are glorified, it has become more and more difficult to establish good relationships of any kind. People want desperately to find closeness and warmth, but they have forgotten the art of sharing, of communicating and cooperating, of adjusting. They have forgotten that lasting relationships require patience and forbearance. What is more, such relationships require concern and consideration, and even sacrifice.

A good marriage is an intimate and loving relationship which gives both partners security, friendship, companionship, support, comfort, and deep love that penetrates every aspect of life. None of this can be achieved without work and sacrifice.

Marriage may be compared to a plant that requires daily nurture, daily attention, daily care and cultivation. It will not develop of its own accord; only as effort and will are exerted will it grow and mature. For a marriage to succeed, both husband and wife must be committed to its success. They must build an enduring love relationship that is centered in the heart of their consciousness. Their relationship must be nurtured with the water of loyalty and love.

Answer 9

I've never been very good with confrontation myself - but here goes - if you cannot force yourself to talk to her - write her a letter, let her know exactly where you stand in her life and what she is doing that bothers you, sometimes it takes the cold hard facts to wake a person up to reality!! As for the mail - if she wants to be so secretive - tell her get a PO Box that way she wont use you as "scape goat" (well she let me use...). Good luck!!

Answer 10

First of all, are you a man or woman? This is not quite clear to me. However, in either case, stay out of it. If you aren't in the marriage you are discussing, you have no right to speak in its behalf.

Second, You should NOT run away with her, nor encourage her to run away. Those answers are all the WRONG ones. Why would leaving town fix anything? And trust me, the pot isn't the only thing wrong with this marriage. It's going there as well.

Third, let her do whatever she is going to do. Her child is the one to suffer, and yes, she is SELFISH.

Tell her, "You're my friend, but I can't fix this for you. What you're doing to this child is irreparable. I cannot support you in your decision to leave him and go with the pothead."