My wife refuses to lose weight(medical issue) . Should I leave her?

Question

She was 132 lbs (5 "2')/26 yrs, 4.5 years ago when we got married.During dating,she told me that she took care of diet / exercise .That was one reason for my decision to marry her.I am very disciplined and careful about my health. She was diagnosed with PCOS 2 years ago after reaching 154 lbs.The first 3.5 years I supported her by doing physical activies that she liked, took her to dancing/walks , subscribed to various health mags, stopped eating foods that were bad for her PCOS,gave incentives(hawaii trip) if she set and met her own weight goals etc.
By last year she was 145 lbs and we were arguing about her need to be disciplined so that we can consider pregnancy. We started seeing a marital counselor who asked me to take the issue off the table.My wife always claimed that I obsess about her weight and that she can manage it on her own.
Now she is 156 lbs with no gym/eats junk food in all meals. Counselor tells me to see if I can accept her like this else leave.
What should I do

Answer 1

There's a couple things you should know. It is nearly impossible for women with PCOS to lose weight and keep it off. It's a medical technical explanation...but basically her body works against her. This is one of the main problems of PCOS (which is really caused by insulin reisistance). PCOS is a genetic issue. It is not caused by being overweight (although is often detected earlier because of being overweight). Also, she is not THAT overweight. Honestly, I think you are obsessing over it and that is not supportive. I probably wouldv'e left you (and Im surprised that she hasnt). Here's some basic info about PCOS. Read it and give it to her. Try getting a better understanding of the disease. In my honest opinion..it sounds like there's more going on than just her weight. At her weight..she could still maintain a healthy pregnancy easily.

Generally, the best treatment for PCOS is to go on a low carb diet, exercise, and use an insulin sensitizing drug such as metformin (1500-2550mg per day). There are a 3 supplements that I take: Multivitamin, Omega acids, Calcium/Vit. D. Here's some basic PCOS info and links for you:

I recommend seeing a reproductive endocrinologist. They are generally more knowledgeable about PCOS and the correct treatment. Unfortunately, many doctors are not aware of the proper treatment.

The underlying cause of PCOS is insulin resistance (IR). The best treatment for PCOS is going on an insulin sensitizing drug such as metformin (1500-2550mg per day) combined with a low carb diet and exercise. There are a few important things to know:

1. Many women "pass" the test for IR, but still respond positively from the metformin. No one knows exactlly why..my thought is that the test is not a sure fire way of detecting the IR.

2. You must be on a high enough dose of metformin. I've heard women complain that their bodies dont start working even though they've been on metformin for awhile. Some doctors are hesitant to up the dose past 1500mg...but for some of us it takes more. I don't respond until my dose is around 2000mg a day.

3. It can take a few months on the correct dose, before your body is regulated.

4. It is important to treat your PCOS even if you are not trying to get pregnant. There are higher risks for many things (high blood pressure, blood clots, diabetes, and many other things) when you have PCOS, but if it is treated properly, then those risks are lowered.


When the PCOS is treated properly, all of your symptoms may not disappear, but they should improve some. It will also be a lot easier to lose weight (and keep it off). Our bodies work against us when we try to lose weight on our own, making it nearly impossible to lose weight.

There are TONS of books about PCOS and dieting. There are two that I recommend. Here's the links at amazon for those:
http://www.amazon.com/o/asin/0809224275/...
http://www.amazon.com/o/asin/0007131844/...

I also recommend a couple web sites:
http://pcos.itgo.com/
http://www.inciid.org/faq.php?cat=infert...

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-bhp... This one is a great message board where you can ask all your PCOS questions or just chat with the women who are also dealing with PCOS. Good luck.

Answer 2

Some new moms use the extra weight they have gained as a form of birth control. In that they know they are not sexually appealing with the extra weight on, so it protects them from intimacy and therefore, pregnancy. However, that is not always the case. She may be having some other issues with perhaps a slight depression. If she always was even somewhat fit and was actively keeping her house clean but is no longer doing that, then it could be a mild depression or some other imbalance. But, no matter what, to lose weight takes a commitment and if she is not ready, nothing is gong to help her and certainly the stress on her marriage is adding to the issues already being dealt with. You know, you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. Talk to her and let her know that being unhealthy effects her self image. See if she wants to walk with you. She needs a friend.

Answer 3

I won't repeat what others have said about how awful you're being towards your wife and her weight gain.

I will suggest though that you do a lot of reading up on PCOS. This is a legitimate medical condition that causes symptoms beyond a woman's control. Weight gain is the most visible symptom. The weight gain happens no matter how good a woman with PCOS eats or how much exercise she does. It just shows up almost out of nowhere. It's quite distressing for women. Especially those who prior to PCOS were in great shape.

Other symptoms are few to no periods each year (which can lead to uterine cancer if the woman doesn't take medication to cause her period to start each month), diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, heart disease, heart attacks, strokes, unwanted body hair, thinning hair (on her head) and infertility.

It's an awful condition that can lead to very serious and even deadly health issues.

I have PCOS. Even after having my two children, I was in great shape. (Size 4.) A few months after having my second child, the weight just started piling on. I'm not huge (thank God), but I'm not as small as I used to be. No matter how good I eat and no matter how much I exercise, I can't lose it all. I've lost a few pounds, but I can't seem to lose anymore. Diet and exercise also hasn't been enough to lower my cholesterol. (Which increased because of PCOS.) I have to take medication for that. As well as medication for other issues.

You may not like the physical changes that have happened to your wife because of PCOS, but you can't begin to understand how she must feel knowing these other truly serious things could happen to her. (If she's educated herself on PCOS.)

I hope that you can get over your shallowness and be supportive and loving towards your wife as she deals with this. She doesn't need your rotten attitude and lack of love on top of all that she's dealing with.

Thank God I have a great husband. Even before I put on weight, he told me that he would always love me even if I gained a lot of weight and got grayheaded and wrinkled. Well, now the extra weight has happened (much as I hate it lol) and guess what? The man can't seem to get enough of me. He's always telling me that I'm sexy and beautiful. He loves my curves and my "lovely lady lumps". God bless him! lol

Answer 4

Let me get this right your wife has gained a whooping 24 pounds in almost five years and has a medical condition that caused that weight gain and you want to divorce her because she isn't as fit as she used to be. Are you exactly the same as you were five years ago? Also do you think fat people can not have children? Grow up and yes you should leave her so she can move on to someone who will love her unconditionally

Answer 5

That is a really tough one. My husband would have a huge problem with me if I gained weight. He even bought me a treadmill for Christmas...lol.

Seriously, I do understand your problem. I don't have the perfect answer for you. I know that PCOS causes weight gain, but I am not sure what her options are.

PS- I am adding this as a part TWO;
I don't agree with all the people who are bashing you. If my husband gained a lot of wieght I would have a hard time feeling attracted to him. That doesn't mean I think I am perfect or that I don't love him. Attraction IS a physical thing.

You can still love your wife and be supportive, and I think you are trying to do that. It doesn't mean you should lie about how you are feeling. It seems like her weight issue has become a power struggle now. I think you ought to let her know how you feel, then drop it. Ignore her eating habits.

Keep talking to her and with the counselor. As long as you are honest with her and yourself, I can't see what else you can do.

God Bless.

Answer 6

I've tried many diets and couldn't make anything work. Since having my first child, I've been carrying around an extra 30 pounds. This diet just made sense and showed me that everything I was doing before was wrong and a waste of my time.

The plan was so refreshing and so simple to follow. I did everything plan said and lost 23 pounds in the first three weeks. I'm now starting the diet again to lose 7 more pounds. This plan has changed my life.

Get started today!

Answer 7

First of all, YOU ARE TOO MUCH! you are her husband, leaving her because of her weight issues is not what you call love or marriage. As her husband, you should be supportive. Do not nag at her about her weight. One thing you should know is that, women are very sensative when it comes to weight loss. Trust me, we know when we are getting too fat & need to lose weight, but having being reminded about it makes us depressed to the point where we end up giving up. I'm sorry, but this is true. It's just something your going to have to understand, all women are like this, especially about weight. My best advice is to keep motivating her, be positive & help her but DO NOT PUSH AND PRESSURE HER, and most importantly DO NOT JUDGE HER AND NAG AT HER. Losing weight is not easy & it certainly shouldn't be the main reason why you got married. What kind of a silly reason is that to marry someone just because they use to be skinny, now she is fat & your thinking about leaving her. If this is really how you are, then she does not deserve a man like you. What kind of a husband are you to even judge her about her weight? Put yourself in her shoes, what if it was you having the weight problem? and she wanted to leave you because of it? wouldn't you feel sad or frustrated? Love is not about the appearance. When you married her, everything is through sickness & in health. I know you mentioned that you take care of your health, but by all means when you are married, you are suppose to support eachother in everything, NO MATTER WHAT.

You should give her respect as she gives it to you. You should be supportive & loving. When you push someone to lose weight, they lose the motivation, believe me. It's true.....I went through the same thing, except for the illness. When a woman needs to lose weight, you need to leave her alone & let her do it herself. That's usually how we succeed. ON OUR OWN. You can never force anyone to lose weight or yet to do anything. Just be there for her, stay loving & be positive. Always tell her she's beautiful & that you accept her no matter what. Everyday!

If you keep nagging her & forcing her to lose weight. It will never happen, the only way she will be going is down the drain & depressed because of how you act about it. The only thing in the world we ever need is the love & acceptance of our family knowing they are proud of us everyday, even when we are not our best, their motivation always helps us become a better person.

Answer 8

Well when you married her you vowed in sickness and in health. If it's her looks that attract you to her, then if you're totally disgusted by her, leave her. It's not fair for her to have a husband who wont fully embrace her. But if it was her personality, spirit, and mind that attracted you to her, stay. Weight is something sensitive to women because a lot of them find it hard to lose it. and in my opinion 156 lbs. is not FAT!!! now if she was over 210 then she'd be fat but she still has hope. ALSO ON THE FLIPSIDE, you need to let her know how much it's bothering you. Tell her that yeah i said in sickness and health but that doesn't mean i have to sit by and watch you kill yourself. Tell her you want her to live and that you want a wife that will be able to live all the life that she's able to. HOPE THIS HELPS!!

Answer 9

You said one of the reasons you decided to marry her was because she took care of her diet and exercised. Did you not love her for herself? Was there anything about her personality, honesty, morality, spirituality, humor,commitment to family and friends, etc. that you fell in love with? It sounds like you supported her with all that physical activities, after her diagnoses of PCOS, for yourself.

It seems as though she tried hard to please you. She needs to do this for herself. Your constant nagging is only frustrating her more and therefore causing her to give up and give into the old habits. She feels bad enough about herself right now and doesn't need you, the man she loves and who is supposed to love her, to make her feel worse. She is also worried about her illness.

If she has family or close friends, maybe they can step in and help by asking her to walk, or go out dancing, join a gym, and especially encouraging her with good eating choices.

Step back a while and show her you love her through it all and no matter what. Let her know it's her health, not what she looks like that is your concern. But give her some space to want that for herself. STOP NAGGING HER!

Leaving her is not the answer, unless you truly do not love her. Also, Prayer does wonders.

God Bless You and Your Wife! Don't give up on her and she won't give up on herself.

Answer 10

The more you pressure her, the worse she will feel about her body. You're making it more of an issue by trying to force weight loss on her. Continue taking her out dancing, going for walks, and keeping only healthy food in the house. She can only lose weight by wanting to, and you nagging her is going to make it worse. If she constantly told you to wash your car, would you do it, or would you put if off because it was something she made you do?

If, after taking the issue off the table, and involving her in your own workout plans, you're truly not attracted to her, then try marital counseling again.