Should young couples live together before marriage?

Question

As a psychology student, I have read a lot of research saying that many young (20-something) couples are living together before marriage and that it is a positive trend which helps improve the couple's chance at avoiding divorce. I am wondering what experience you have had with living together before marriage or not?

I am currently in a serious relationship. We've been together for over 2 years and we literally fit like puzzle pieces together. For various reasons, I have ended up staying in his family's home for a month to three months at various times. It always goes well in terms of privacy and personal space. I don't have a car, so we REALLY had to share a lot of time during our busy schedules.

I am curious to hear what other college age people, as well as long-married adults, all have to say about this? Any specific positive or negative experiences?

Also - I am not looking for moral or religious reasons for this. I would like some information on the true benefits or drawbacks.

Another thing is I would like to hear from very independent people who have sucessfully done this. I am very independent and need time and space to paint, read, listen to music, relax, etc. This is a big concern for me.

Kujo has an excellent point that yes, the wedding is a bunch of temporary frills that mask the real reason for getting married and being in love. Thank you.

My inclination and instinct is that I think living together before marriage would take away from the excitement and "milestone" feeling of getting married and starting a brand new life together. If you live together, you just go back to your crummy little apartment and things are still the same as they were the day before. All in all, I think it somewhat of a disservice to the romance to move in early. As posters have said, you know or you dont know and it doesnt require "testing the waters". Thank you everyone :)

I'd be curious to talk more about this. Feel free to e-mail me at zillioneyes [at] hotmail.com

Answer 1

What research have you read that says that living together before marriage increases a couples chance of avoiding divorce? As a grad student about to finish my PhD in clinical psych, 90% of the research I've encountered has put living together close to the top of the list of things that dramatically increase chances of divorce.

Examples
(1) "Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect" --> "Premarital cohabitation has consistently been found to be associated with increased risk for divorce and marital distress in the United States"
(2) "The Demographic Future of Divorce and Dissolution" In "The Handbook of Divorce and Relationship Dissolution --> major correlates of divorce include age at marriage and premarital cohabitation
(3) "Premarital cohabitation and subsequent marital stability in the United States" --> "Consistent with most previous research in the US and other countries, the results show that cohabitation in the US is associated with a greater hazard of dissolution, even after counting the time spent in unmarried cohabitation as part of marital duration"

(Personally, however, I don't have a problem with it - I think it's a completely personal decision)

Answer 2

YES YES YES and more YES. Live together, on your own where things will have a better chance at getting real. People can be together and happy for years and years then get married, move in together and are miserable inside of a year. Marriage is nothing more than a very expensive peice of paper with your signatures on it, that can turn into another very expensive peice of paper with the same signatures to cancel out the first one. The tax reasons arent even worth it. Love is Love it doesnt need to be made legal to be defined. It cant be bought or sold. Buy a marriage by getting married and spending all that moneyon a big party and material things to make it as special as possible and go on vacation, (the flowers die, the party ends, the honeymoon ends, the band goes on to play other gigs, the dresses get hung up or shoved in a closet never to be worn again, the gifts get stored or used up or break or get upgraded in a year) sell a marriage by spending more money to get divorced and all those materials dont mean a thing anymore. LOVE is a reason to throw a party at your house whenever you want, and go on vacation whenever you want. Proving your love by social standards doesnt make it real. Live together, as married couples do without all the frills, after a year or two you will be content with your relationship, ready to leave, or want to get married. You wouldnt gulp a weird drink without testing it first, or commit to anything for the rest of your life when there are no guarantees. I hope I am making sense.

Answer 3

This is my story. My girlfriend and I were dating about a week or so before we moved in. It was a huge mistake. Though it was more a problem with our maturity than anything else. We lived together about 2 months. It was a very sad event, though looking back on it we did the right thing. We are now engaged and moving in together a few months before the wedding. Though that time restraint is based off of lease timing etc.

It seems like the most important part of the situation is to be ready to make comprimises and be ready to bend. Being that I didn't wait until I was married I can't advise you on this, but I know for a fact that you must be able to argue in a productive manner. It is the basis for any good relationship.

Answer 4

I say definitely yes. when a person comes over, you usually expect them and have the place tidied up extra special, however, when you live with them for a while (2+ months) people relax and start showing their normal behavioural patterns, this is where you can really go and ask yourself "are this person's behaviours right now going to break the marriage later?" if there's hesitation or the answer is yes, then you know to go and leave, no matter how much time, there is a little flex, but a person doesn't completely bend to your ways of thinking.

Answer 5

i think it's good to live with a person for a while before you marry them, it's like a sneak peak into what your life might be like in the future, and you may learn things about them that could make you realize they aren't really the right person for you before u go through with the marriage.

Answer 6

I didn't do it and never felt the need to test the waters. I think you either know someone or you don't. I would never do it if I were single today either - I still feel the same way.

Answer 7

u can it wont hurt and it a good time to get to know that person even better before you have to spend the rest of your lives together

Answer 8

they all do in my world

Answer 9

no, he will never marry u .. get lazy

Answer 10

NO!