How much to tell a child....?

Question

I'm engaged, and somewhere down the road my fiance (who is ftm transgender) and I will be having children. Obviously these children will be concieved through some sort of artificial insemination. We haven't decided how yet (way down the road still), but either will be through anonymous sperm bank or a close friend who would act as an "uncle" to the kid.

If this was your life, how much would you tell the kid about their biological origins? And at what age?

I have my own thoughts, just wondering what others would do... I will pick a best answer and add details later.

Answer 1

Easy. Children are not fragile, they survive war, abuse, and terrible things, two loving parents are NOT terrible things. They deserve honesty up front and to their face. Tell them from the beginning when they can first meet the person. Would you rather "grow up knowing who your family is," or learn at the age of 19 "out of the blue" when your trying to make an identity for yourself, and now you have all this baggage? By being honest and up front, there IS NO BAGGAGE! The child grew up with FACTS, PURE AND SIMPLE FACTS. This is Mom and Dad, and that's the Biological Dad, "uncle so-and-so." Its not rocket science and its not that hard.

Trust me, honesty is really not over-rated. Its under-rated. Give your child the truth for its first gift. By growing up with knowledge you will give it strength, not weaken it. By surprising it years down the line, you do the opposite.

Also, at some point the child will find out that Dad is a FtM, and will realize (probably during puberty) that they cannot be their biological child, they will then feel like an outsider because of this "secret" that only "they" weren't let in on.

Answer 2

I think if you raise him or her lovingly, it wouldn't matter whether you tell them or not. Teach them tolerence and if it happens to become an issue or the child asks or you think it's important that they knew, then by all means, tell them. In some ways, if I was conceived that way, I think I might feel better about my life because then I'd know for sure that my parents actually wanted a child and the condom didn't just break the Christmas Eve before i was born. Not that they make me feel unloved or anything, but sometimes I can't help but feel that maybe they'd have been happier if I never came to be.
Anyway, I'm way off subject here. I appologize. My opinion is that when he or she is old enough to understand, then yes, tell them. Never hide things from your children. And from the sound of it, I bet you will both be wonderful parents. I wish you the best of luck and the most happiness one couple can have.

Answer 3

Well, if I were in this situation I would tell the child their entire life that they were conceived in a special way--that his or her Daddy wanted them so very much that they were put in Mommy's belly specially. If a close friend is the donor, the child can know that Uncle helped make their body but that Daddy is their father. This is, in my opinion, the best way to handle a situation where a child isn't conceived through "normal" means. When they are old enough to understand the details (perhaps 10, but it depends on the kid), you can tell them all of it, but it won't come as a shock because they already knew their dad wasn't their biological parent.
Good luck, and congrats about the wedding.

Answer 4

I'm not sure that I would want to have someone who is known, and close to the family be the donor; it seems like there are too many potential complications there... but you probably know best.

As far as telling the children, I don't think it should be based on "age", but rather their maturity and tempermant. If your partner is open, rather than stealth, then you'd obviously break the news a little sooner.

Obviously, if at some point the children start asking questions, you might consider talking about it then.

In any event, I wish you both the brightest blessings and happiness.

Answer 5

This is a very difficult question. I would tell children as much as they could understand when they questioned it. About the artificial insemination..who knows? I mean who knows how the world is going to feel about this type of situation in 20 years? I think that honesty is always the best policy. I would just make certain to tell children only as much as they can handle at a time/and age.
You certainly are doing nothing to be ashamed of..I would hate to see your child(ren) grow up thinking that they were somehow 'not quite normal'. The truth works for me.

Answer 6

I've had this discussion with my partner. We both agreed that we would talk about it from a VERY early age, 3-5 years, and explain that mommy and mama couldn't have a baby together, and we needed a "helper/doner" to make her grow in mommy's tummy. From this, I think that age-appropriate conversation should be had casually. Like, when they're learning about sex (which is early now!) explain what kind of "help" you needed, sperm. I'd also explain who gave that to you if they are a part of the child's life. Around this time, or a little later, we would give profiles of the donor to the child or even pictures if we had them, but not make a big deal about it. I think any questions should be answered honestly. I'd also explain that not all children are born out of complete love, and that we had her on purpose, and tried very, very hard to bring her into our lives, harder than most people ever have to try. Good luck, and I'm sure that you'll both make great parents. Try www.nwcryobank.com for donors. They have good prices, great customer service, free chat rooms, pictures of babies, and a high success rate. We currently have lil swimmers in their bank, waiting for the right time :)

Answer 7

I think you should just answer the child's questions as they come, like anything else with children. Nothing obligates you to give personal details of your life (there is plenty my adult daughters don't know) to children. I would suggest that if the child asks you, then simply answer like any other infertile couple, that mommy and daddy needed help to have a baby but they wanted the baby so much because they have so much love to share.

If the child, as an adult or older teen, asks then tell him/her the truth. Many sperm banks ask the donors if contact can be made at a certain age, so choose one that allows this if you want.

Answer 8

always tell your children the truth : 0 ) I find that even when they are small, they remember things, and understand more than you would think. Of course they wont understand everything right away, but as they grow they will get it. Just tell them that mommy and daddy woudlnt be able to have a beautiful baby like them if it werent for the science that helped! good luck

Answer 9

hard question if you both are a man and a woman why tell the kid he wont find out. your better off with a sperm bank so there is no chance of him finding out from "uncle ray". you will mess up your kid if you tell him that you were a woman or man or whatever you used to be this is not meant to be hurtful just my opinion

Answer 10

i would wait until they are at least ten. when a kid is ten they are beginning to get out of their "i live in my own world" stage and are beginning to understand the real world. however, if you hear your kids using terms like "lesbo" or "trannie" or "homo" or "gay" offensively, you should have the talk right then. you need to let your kids know that those words are not okay and that they need to respect everyone regardless of their sexual orientation.

and congradulations on the engagement!