How do you handle a spouse who makes back-handed remarks to you?

Question

Once again, my husband found a way to make a hurtful comment to me in a back-handed way. He is sooo financially controlling that if I spend one dime on myself and he finds out, he does nothing but make these nasty comments to me. I really don't know what the best way is to handle this. Please, if you have any advice, I would appreciate your sharing. Thanks so much.

Answer 1

This pattern of behavior is learned at an early age and is directly related to his upbringing. My guess is that he learned it from his father. Therefore, the best person to advise you on this situation could be your mother-in-law. I suggest you discuss the situation with her first.

You're going to have to change your non-responsive behavior to his sarcasm and put-downs. That will require confrontation. Are you up for that? There's no guarantee that anything you do or say will change the way that he talks to you, but you CAN control how you react. Here are a couple of suggestions:

1) Say, "Why would you say such a hurtful thing to me?" That will at least get him to articulate his concern in a way that you might be able to deal with it.

2) Use active listening: "So, what you are really saying is that you are not happy with the way I am handling money, right?" Make him state exactly what it is that caused the back handed remark. Restate what you heard him say. Keep doing this until he gets it all out.

Once you have clearly defined what his problem is, you can both work it out...if he is willing. My guess is that he will be, once he has made the declarative statements that he has failed to make so far.

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I wish I could recommend something, but it's hard to get a big picture when everything is out of context. He should respect you, that's for sure. I know I would never speak to my wife that way... well... I get a little cocky when I'm woken up, but our disrespect for eachother is mutual and beneficial in a way. We're always on good terms at the end of the day.

Your husband, on the other hand, sounds like he is trying to control you. I don't personally like counseling, nor do I think it's very effective, and your hubby probably wouldn't go for it.

I agree that if it is what it sounds like, you probably would be better off elsewhere. My father was similar to your husband. I work next to a guy who just berates his wife so everybody in the office can hear. It doesn't seem to stop. You can bring a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Answer 4

Tell him to shape up that you need a few things and he may as well get used to it. Financial matters should be discussed between you both. Unless you really went on a big spending spree he should shut his mouth. If you are not tied down with children then stay that way you may want to leave him. I had to recently experience this- even a stupid so called friend that waste over 150.00 a month on cigarettes and has nothing to do with my money matters tries to pry into my business-NO MORE. Family members that want to give advise but very little assistance should also mind there own business. Stupid a**#@ mettle-rs. Your husband needs to grow up some and realize you have needs also.

Answer 5

Well in this situation I suggest you get a J-O-B. Sucks I know..but if he is controling the money then you need to make ur own and then he will not have any right to tell you what you do with it. Plain and simple.

Sorry he's a jerk.....maybe think of some come backs? Be ready for the next time he can't control his mouth.

Answer 6

Need more info...have you had spending problems in the past, or is he just kinda tight with the cash?
You may want to look into depositing a certain amount of your paycheck (nothing big, small) and (if your home expenses aren't great) into a separate account. But let him know so your trust stays in the marriage. And he could do the same, and he wouldn't see your spending and vice versa...that way he wouldn't have nothing to say, unless you spend it all and dip into the household fund. ;)
Good luck, I have a friend who is going through the same thing...but she had a bad cash habit and maxed credit cards (which her husband just paid off and gives her an allowance.) lol

Answer 7

This is sadly a form of abuse. Controlling finances and the hurtful remarks. If you are comfortable with confronting him, then do. If not, then call a hot line and ask advice. I have been through this before..it can make you feel like the biggest piece of shite.

Answer 8

What kind of woman are you? Not much of one at all I'd say.. and he will probably figure that out soon enough.. leave you for someone that has a backbone... They will laugh at you b/c of how weak you are you cant find another man to make you happy and you will be miserable for the rest of your life.
Or...
You could stand up for yourself... I think that about sums it up. First of all, whoever makes the money ; its not THEIR money its BOTH's money. So there. What you don't do anything? You dont wash his nasty socks? You dont fix his lousy dinner? You dont was his crap-stained underwear? And you def dont clean that house that he NEVER picks up after do you? So tell me again why it's "his" money.. and not yours too?

Answer 9

Make some commits back to him.He sounds like a cheapsake to me..the only way to stop a controlling man is to not put up with his control....If you are not a spend thrift ad buy things you need ,I would just have to call him what he is a cheapsake....

Answer 10

first off i would try talking to him about it and tell him that it hurts you, if he cares at all he will try to stop. and if he doesn't i would go ahead and take drastic measures. i would be no mean put up with that if you a contributing to the house hold some of that money is yours to. i would sit down with him and have a serious talk about the controlling side of him tell him. i know that how my husband and i solve our issues. and if he wont listen and ur not happy. i would leave. i know that would be hard to do but if your not happy think about it be unhappy till hes ready to divorce or be unhappy till one of u guys pass away. thats no way to live.