what do you think of the start of my book?

Question

The argument broke into the street, two burley geordies, one a large balding man a look of rage in his eyes glared at the other, a shorther uglier man with a stream of blood flowing from his nose. Moments later the two men collapsed almost simultaneously into a heap on the floor, screams rang out from up the street as two women yielding shotguns bustled past stopping only briefly to check the bodies on the floor. The two men where still as a West ham defender, there was little doubt of their fate for beside each man lay what could only be described as the ingredients for a steak and kidney pie

Answer 1

Hmmm, good, I like the part about steak and kidney pie. : ).
It gets a little confusing at parts. Try adding more periods and semicolons, or just create a new sentence as some of yours are a bit too long to digest.
It's a good start, and I am intrigued.

Answer 2

First of all, have you ever heard of spelling and grammar check? Your punctuation could use some work as well.
Secondly, it's a bit flowery for the kind of scene you're writing. There are way too many metaphors and really distracting ones at that.
And what's with the steak and kidney pie? That's probably the most distracting thing in the whole paragraph. Instead of focusing on the fight, I'm confused about the pie.
I do have to say though, as a starting paragraph it certainly grabs attention. But you can't just grab a reader's attention, you have to keep it.

Answer 3

Please ask yourself some questions:

1. Who are you writing for?

2. Is your piece coherent? (According to your test market, you've apparently lost some of your potential readership).

3. What can provide a connection, a place where people will "care" about your characters and their stories?

4. Using a setting unique to your geographical location, in which ways can you draw interest and provide "Universal" appeal?

5. Pay closer attention to your metaphors, punctuation, and language useage to set a strong writing voice and tone (i.e. are you aiming to create "black humour"? Horror? Murder mystery? Drama...?). Use words correctly, as there is some confusion to whether the two women were WIELDING guns or YIELDING to them.

A piece well-written will be a lot like an accurate map, with an understandable georgraphy and a clear direction.

Will you be posting your edited version for further consideration?

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say, I did not like what I read.The West ham thing,forget it,the steak and kidney pie too!It is far too 'busy' for a book beginning, its 'old hat' unless of course you are a 'established author'.I get the feel, you are trying too hard. There is nothing special, there is no spark.I also think, some of the comments above are being kind to you.

Answer 5

I like it bud, very selected readers would go for it though. If you think about Irvine Welsh's book's they have all got a slightly intelligent side to them so the rest of the book would have to be a bit more (meaty) excuse the pun. Football type Violence in books is for a selected audience so If I was you (and I am only guessing that's the way you are going with this) try and fill it with more interesting to the wider audience.

I like it though, its mad.

Good Luck

Answer 6

after spending 90 Min's of boxing day at Upton park i fully appreciated the line about being as still as a west ham defender.
if when editing the book you feel you need to change this line may i recommend either a west ham midfielder or perhaps a west ham striker.

Answer 7

i must suggest to all you would be writers to invest in the Writers Market. i have the 2004 edition and have owned several others. they all contain helpful essays from reputable authors on many topics. you will probably, by the time your book is finished, rewrite that oppening 100 times. don't give up

Answer 8

I wouldn't write the start of the book first! That's crazy business. You use very English (as in UK English) language and terms, and you seem to drift between present and past tense.

Answer 9

Sorry to say it, but I make you right about the hammers' defenders. Must be Anton Ferdinand

Answer 10

It's a beginning that draws the reader in, but you need to get advice on spelling and grammar.