Are vulnerability and masculinity in opposition?

Question

Several years ago, my wife and I had seen a martial counselor and the counselor mentioned that my flaw/problem in the relationship is that I'm not open to vulnerability. What could the counselor mean or what does that mean for me? If my wife looks for me to be the "strong" one in the relationship, is it possible to be vulnerable and strong? Is this in opposition to masculinity? And why or why not?

Answer 1

Vulnerable simply means honest and open and willing to take risks. It does not mean "wusy". A truly strong man can be vulnerable because he does not get his strength from hiding his fears, but from confronting them.

If you are not honest and open with your wife, she will likely stop being vulnerable with you. I notice that you asked another question about her lack of sex drive. I think these two things could be related. I believe that vulnerability is related to intimacy. If you are willing to be vulnerable with someone, that promotes true intimacy -- not just the sexual kind.

In a committed relationship (rather than a one-night stand quickie kinda thing) my experience is that women generally need emotional intimacy in order to have continued interest in physical intimacy. So allowing yourself to be vulnerable sometimes could have a big payoff for you!

Answer 2

Ever since woman became independent things changed but not complete. The differences between man and woman started to diminish, but 50 years will not change millions years of evolution.
I know women appreciate a sensitive man. He is a good friend for them... but this is not something a man wants, isn't it? Women always (or almost) choose the strong one.

So yes, vulnerability and masculinity are in opposition. This leaves the man to balance them, to try to find the right amount of vulnerability/sensitivity to show without fading his masculinity too much.

Answer 3

No. You can be vulnerable and you can be open to your wife's vulnerability. Masculinity is a false idea. The "strong silent type" is really just a denial of our own feelings. Men shouldn't struggle under that burden. In reality, strength is derived from our ability to understand our own weaknesses, our own feelings, and the feelings of others. You need to recognize that you, like all of us, are vulnerable and you need to come to grips with that.

Answer 4

Yes, it is possible to be strong and vulnerable. It is not in opposition to masculinity, in fact I feel it shows someone to be totally in control of it and not clutching their idea of it with white knuckles.

If you watch movies or TV, you can look for characters who reveal themselves and have real human feelings as life affects them, rather than pretending that nothing ever gets to them. And they are no less manly - in fact the fact that they are REAL makes them very compelling, attractive, and worthy of trust.

My boyfriend really embodies this and it's why I love him so much. He is my pillar of strength because he is always there for me. BUT, he has real problems that he does share with me. Not in a way that he "needs sympathy". But just to admit to another human being and to himself that he does have limits, bad days, and things that worry him.