woman advice on an affair please?

Question

I dont need any rubbish on the rights or wrongs. The fact is I'm in an affair with a married woman 3 kids I'm married with 2. We've known each other for about 10 years but this has only started in last few months. We are both 40yrs old. People who never have had an affair don't know about falling in love again with someone else...if you've never experienced it it's hard to given an opinion. We are deeply in love and grown together over the years. I want advice from women in similar positions into what will not ruin this and keep it real, i can be impatient and worry too much re: out of sight out of mind . I don't want to scare her off but don't want her to think i'm taking her for granted either. Thanks

Answer 1

Think about your kids

Answer 2

No, you need to hear what another man has to say about this. I can guarantee this thing won't last for you. How many times have you “been in love” during your life? Those feelings are all gone now and so will this. Someday when your kids are getting married and you are an outsider and just a “guest at the wedding” the lights will come on that you were a fool and you lost your family. I know you don’t want hear this but go back to family and live up to vows you already made. Otherwise, is anything you say about this new relationship even true? You aren’t even true to your own vows so why should your new "love" ever trust you? She can't, because your word is only as good as your feelings. And that goes in both directions, how can you even trust this person? Once the glow fades you will both realize you made a huge mistake. Life is a battle and sometimes you have to have to fight against the evil that is facing you. You're affair is pure evil at your door, ready, willing and able to completely destroy your life. Don't be a coward, stand up and fight like a man and take care of your family. I've seen so many lives destroyed this way, and if you don't get real you will just be one more. Not to mention your poor wife and kids.

Answer 3

Been there, done that. Choices. Start by honoring yourself. You are the best friend you'll ever have. You well know that if you both split you will cause much pain and sorrow. Look down the road...will staying in your respective marriages, when you love another, will staying also cause much pain and sorrow? Probably the answer to both question is "yes". So balance. You have to live your own life, Can you continue to live with yourself if you don't take the chance with this woman? How does she feel about it? Is she willing to leave her hubby and go with you? What is it going to cost both of you in the way of financial burdens? What are the ages of the kids and how stable are they? What kids will you wind up with, hers? yours? some of both? Where would you live? Are you in a small town or a large city? The larger the city the easier it is to do this. No matter what you do there will be pain. Your respective spouses will be hurt and angry and will likely lash out. Many times this lashing out involves the kids and they become pawns in the power struggles between the parents. Be sure that if the two of you decide to split and unite together that you both remember the kids have different parents. The parents will ALWAYS be the parents and it is vital that this be honored. Don't use the kids to "get at" the other parent. Support the kids first. And good luck with this one...I know it's tough.

Answer 4

No advice, just sympathy for a difficult situation. I'm married with two children, same sort of age as you. I fell in love recently with a wonderful man who is also married with children he adores, and lives the other side of the Atlantic (fortunately for both of us). It was the most complete, affirming, beautiful, reciprocal and generous experience of my life, packed into a few weeks. Now we have no contact with each other at all. Nothing else would have kept our families intact and no other outcome would have left any real possibility of lasting happiness. It was a mutual tearful decision taken over several days of agonizing. I told my husband - a massive risk but the only way I knew I would have the resolve to tear myself away from something that made me so happy. Read the Anatomy of My Affair blog if you dare and then perhaps the MarriageBuilders website. The pain of separation was extraordinary and the anger I felt at my husband was extreme, but time does heal. My husband and I now see a marriage counsellor and are getting on very, very well. That he still loves me is astonishing and I am grateful. Our children are still very happy. I am glad we decided to leave it as we did and I have a memory to cherish for the rest of my life.

Answer 5

What are you teaching the children? You have to think of them. You are a role model and like it or not that's a fact. What happened to your wife? What happened to her husband? Why haven't either of you left your marriage? Are you so insecure to be left alone, if the other will not leave there marriage partner?
A lot of men and women stay married because of financial security. If the other dies I can draw a SS check, bull is all it is. Just let your wife off the hook before you damage more than her heart, she is a mother and if you haven't given her something that will not take her life from her and being a single mom is hard enough with out illness and broken heart affects the children as well. if you to screw around on your spouses what in the hell makes you or her think that your going to be honest to one another. ONE WILL CHEAT! You both are selfish and you two sound like you deserve one another to make each other wonder the rest of your days on who's going to cheat first. So make her an honest woman or is it possible for either of you to be honest and not take granted of each other?

Answer 6

think if u try to keep it just an affair that eventually it will spill out into your marriage and they way u treat your wife. think eventually u will want more out of the relationship, and someone is going to be hurt by it. once broke up with an ex boyfriend, thought i was so in love with this other man, got very impatient, so asked my boyfriend to go, wanted only to be with the other man, the relationship turned out not to be anything like i had imagined it would be. the man was totally different than what i had imagined. so it isn't always greener on the other side of the fence, and sometimes u can't go back home, sometimes there is just too many hurts involved. unless u are prepared to ruin your marriage, leave your home, give up half your as setts, than i would end it. lust is not love, once the lust part, and infatuation part leaves, than what does one have? unless u are very unhappy in your present marriage, stop the affair right now before it becomes even more serious. distance yourself from this woman. recommit to the marriage.

Answer 7

Thats dandy that you've fallen in love with this woman and all now why don't you get back to reality and look at who your hurting and betraying ~ your wife and your kids...divorce your wife and be with this woman, but will this woman leave her family behind for you? I highly doubt it.
Final advice:
-End the affair
or
-Get a divorce

Answer 8

I have been cheated on in a marriage and NEARLY had an affair myself...but never did.

It SUCKS being made a fool of by your husband, but even before I knew about that, I wouldn't let myself cheat, because I have too much respect for the vows of marriage.

Now, funny enough, before I found out, I instantly "fell for" (total love at 1st site) my partner at work, but I was married and so was he.

So, after I found out about the cheater, and his marriage broke up for their own reasons, we became friends outside of work, then started dating and moved in and got married. We did it the right way and were very happy for about 10 yrs. Then, he died.

Have some respect for yourself and your wife and take a step back and decide where you really want to be. Believe me, she'll hate you a lot less if you confess now and take some time.

Answer 9

When I think about affairs I think about one thing, is your gain going to be greater than your loss. Now let's talk about what I mean, you are married with two children, she is married with three children, between the two of you that's seven people lives you will affect other than yourself. There is no way this is going to come out good. You love her, okay, but what about the love for her children and your children do they deserve to have their home destroyed. I am all for love, but not at the expense of anyone elses happiness. Love should lack selfishness, think about that before you take this to far. Please don't think I am being judgemental because that is not what I am trying to do, I just want you to think about the things I said. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Perhaps you met your soul mate. It is possible which ultimately means you married the wrong person. How does she feel? Is she equally satisfied where this relationship is going? my affair was for other reasons, it wasn't;t for love it was for lust to be honest and to get back at my former husband for cheating on me. However, I believe God had created someone for everyone and maybe she is your destiny even though its bad timing your both married and have children. That is alot to swallow but I do believe it is all possible to be married to the wrong person and in love with the right man or woman. how is your relationship with your wife and hers with her husband? Sounds like there are some differences to me, but this is not about what is right and what is wrong. I believe anything is possible and for the first time you may have found true love.................

Answer 11

honestly, it's hard to answer that without "rights or wrongs." you know that, otherwise you wouldnt' have mentioned it. nothing good can come out of an affair, because an affair is committed in a bad context, and nothing good can come from doing something bad. for how can light ever coincide with darkness? there is no way. listen to your heart, you know better than that. what you feel is lust, not love.