Confused and Hurt due to wife wanting to seperate.?

Question

My wife has decided to seperate after 6 years of marriage and 10 years together, we have been together since we were 17 and have had a fun and happy marriage, then with no notice she decides she wants to leave and requires space and not sure if she wants to continue on with the marriage. i kind of understand that she wants to find herself and experiance new things but cant stop feeling cheated or hurt and angry. she has been very honest with me but i feel that she is being selfish in not putting our relationship 1st, she cant promise me that she will not sleep with any one else, what do i do if she does? , will the pain ever go away?
we are both 28 years old and have always done everything together, is this the fault?

Answer 1

Evaluate what you have done for her to distance herself from you. Think about anything you do that you don't like and change it. Do you truly want change? If you do, get real with yourself and do it! Go to counseling to help sort through your behavior. I'm not blaming this on you, but you need to take some kind of action instead of sitting on the sidelines. If she won't go to counseling, you can benefit greatly and it will improve your communication and understanding with her.
My hubby asked for a separation a week and a half ago. I decided that my destructive beahvior was leaving a negative impact and his hurt him greatly. I was sick of it and got real with myself and am in counseling and I truly want this. I really hated my old ways and I refuse to go back.
If she truly wants this to work, separation won't do any good. You need to do this together, no one needs to "find" themselves. See what you need to change, make a plan and plan to stick with it to make it apart of your life instead of making false promises and going back to your old ways in a month or two. Create a plan and share it with her. Let us know what happens. Email or IM me anytime. Take care! NEVER give up hope!!

Answer 2

I think you should be able to answer some of your questions do you smother her do you give her room to grow as an individual? Maybe you should suggest couples counseling? I think when you get married at such a young age it can be some what confusing and you can feel smothered or like you put all your dreams on ashelf to accomadate your family.

If you really love her and don't want to loose her I would support her ideas as long as it's not just an excuse for her to go run wild.

I would definatly aske her what are her tru intentions all BS a side.

And you have every right to either go along for the ride or make a decide that you deserve better than to be put on the back burner.

Marriage is not something you run away from you fix it or come to a solution unless the other partner is not bringing there 50% to the table.

Answer 3

First Untruth: "Then with no notice...". I am sure there was no formal declaration before this one, but I am also sure that you weren't paying attention to her and were thinking more about yourself, or you would have seen this coming already.

Second Untruth: "she wants to find herself". She wants to find herself single again. She isn't interested in making the marrage work anymore. You ceased to interest her... probably because you aren't the self-confident, groomed, challenging male she married, or because she changed. Either way, she got bored, you didn't notice, and she started to resent you.

First true thing: "she isn't putting our marriage 1st". True. Neither did you or you wouldn't be suprised by this happening--it sucks, I know first-hand. This is how we leaarn.

Second true thing: "She can't promise she won't sleep with anyone else". I can promise she will. And probably sooner than you do because it only takes 10 minutes for her to drive to the local bar and find somebody who will.

Will the pain ever go away? Yes. Then comes the anger. Then, eventually, acceptance. But you go back and forth: it's a rollercoaster.

It's nobody's fault. You both made mistakes. You both did your best. Your interest in her was low too until she decided to move out, and that had the effect of seriously raising your interest in her suddenly. You will probably try to figure this all out and drive yourself and your friends crazy for a while before you understand it's as simple as I am saying it is.

It sucks.

Answer 4

One of the problems with getting together with someone when you're young, is that you always wonder what you missed out on. The stupid thing is, you didn't miss out on anything. You were just lucky enough to find what you wanted young.

I am sorry, but this happens. I don't know if that will make you feel better or worse, but it's the way things work out sometimes. You have every reason to feel hurt and confused. However, it's not going to change things.

My only comment is, I'm not a fan of separating. You either want to be married, or you don't. If you don't, then you need to take the plunge and get the divorce. The whole idea of separating so you can "find yourself" is just a way to "have your cake and eat it too".

If she wants to be single, then you need to divorce. If she wants to be married, then she doesn't sleep with other people.

Good luck...

Answer 5

Sounds to me like at 28, she feels she knows no one other than you as a lover and wants to see what is out there. That is the biggest problem with getting married at such a young age. It could be for various reasons....she met someone else, depression, pressure from family and friends. Unless it is some kind of depression, for which you should get her help, let her go, but don't get divorced yet. Tell her you want to fight for her, but if this is what she wants, that you love her enough to let her do it. Honestly, I can't say the pain will ever go away if things don't work out. It is truly sad.

Answer 6

She's very selfish. And yes she is having an affair. I hate this for you. I was in just a dating relationship, and I believe he was cheating on me, and it hurt me so bad. When your married and this happens, jeeze I would be crushed. My advice is to first see if you can save it, only try this once, go to a marrige conseler and find out what the issue is. If this doesn't work then separate, and if it comes down to it, divorce. Be happy in your own life, start doing "you" things. Become independant. Good luck. Don't be so upset.

Answer 7

I agree with what "Kaia" said, also it takes two people to make a marriage. If one person doesn't want to participate, there's not much you can do. Sometimes, unhappy people look for an external solution or change to solve what's really an internal problem. You should both seek professional counseling. If she won't go, go yourself. I Know how you feel went through the something, just stay true to yourself.

Answer 8

the motive here for wanting her space is that she already has, or plans to have someone else. didn't happen just like that, it has most likely been in the works for awhile, as no one just walks out on a marriage unless there is someone else waiting in the wings. it is so hard when this happens, where one persons choices totally devastate another. yes the pain does go away, when u get out of the denial thing, and face the facts. so sorry for your heartache, god bless

Answer 9

Just a note from a sympathizer... It's natural that you feel the way you do. I think I've been in your wife's shoes, feeling like you got involved young & want to know if (in the words of Reba McIntire) there's life out there. Still, if she loved you before, she still does. All you can do is let it ride. For me, it was just a time of frustration and confusion and my poor husband suffered too, but we were both human and I was trying to figure out if I was where I belonged or if I'd missed out. You're right; it's not fair, but that's something she'll have to figure out for herself. Give it time and hang in there. Try to stay occupied and be there for her if you can.

Answer 10

I don't know what I can say to help you at all. In fact, I don't think that anyone can say anything to you that will help you feel better, you need to think through things. Talk with your wife and ask what is going on. She can't all of a sudden leave without really telling you what happened. So try to have a long and serious talk with her.