How to deal with the idea of husband's ex girlfriend ?

Question

During our brief courtship before marriage, my husband denied any past serious relationships. Within a few months after marriage, he volunteered to tell me that he did have a little fling. He said that he was telling me about it because he really loved me & didn't want to hide anything from me. Today, after 3 years, I've accidently got to know that his relationship had been for 2 years & even the friends & families from both their sides were involved with the idea of an impending marriage.
I feel like a fool. I realise that his family & friends have always had a particular view about me. Even if he has nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend now, I still feel deceived & totally obsessed with his past. I need help, please. How can I regain my mental peace & self-confidence ?

Answer 1

Let it go for God's sake! It's in the past. You have him. He makes you happy. Why does it matter that he had a girlfriend before you. Why does it matter that he didn't tell you. You weren't with him then! Let it go for your own sake!

Answer 2

Concentrate on what you have:

1) You're married to what seems a very decent fellow.
2) He chose YOU!
3) So what about the other woman... Have you not had prior relationships that you thought were serious at the time?
4) You have him NOW. Make the best of it.
5) Put on something sexy this evening, and make mad passionate love to the man you love.

Every time you start to feel crummy - repeat no. 5! I'm telling you. It works. Nothing like taking advantage of what you have and NOW!

Don't fret about family and friends. What matters is that he chose you and you chose him. Everything else is hogwash!

Don't worry about the silly past. Everyone has shadowy past events. Truth is that he loves YOU and wants to be with YOU.

Remember also, that men are not like women. They don't spend evenings on the couch dreaming of loves past. They do react very well, however, to loving advances from their wives.

Go be loved, woman!!!

Good luck.

Answer 3

Ask yourself - do I want to be in this marriage?

Because if you want a divorce, you're doing a really good job of bringing it to fruition. You are lacking trust. Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship. Everything flows from trust. If there is no trust, the marriage will crumble.

What you haven't told me is why he deceived you? Have you asked him? Have you told him that you know about the two years and the marriage plans? I wouldn't do anything until I found that out. What if he just wanted to spare your feelings.

Does he love you and want to be with you? I didn't get that from your question either.

I don't know if you're overreacting or not, but it sounds like you are. Bring this stuff out in the open - the second most important thing in a marriage, after trust, is communication.

FP

Answer 4

Hey he is only human! He lived life and breathed air before you came along. Why obsess with HIS past, its his and you didnt know him then. Doesnt sound like you had mental peace and self confidence in the first place or you wouldnt be obsessed with something as trivial as this. You are only hurting yourself by not being able to let this go. He married you didnt he? If he would have told you before marriage would you have told him NO, just because he had a past relationship? Let it go sister, life is too short to dwell on the little things

Answer 5

If you were both courting before marriage, that means that you were not married but only dating. He didn't deny you, he probably wasn't sure. So he tells you about it because he felt guilty for not telling you before. The thing is, he came out and told you.

Why even waste your time on this after he admitted to you that he did? You were not married yet, it would be different if you were married. He is married to you now, not this ex-girlfriend. If he wanted to choose this other girl to be his wife, he would have done that, but he chose you!

So not that he makes it right, you are still bringing up the past and you don't want to move on with your "new marriage" with someone who had the "guts" to be a man about it, to tell you that all because "he loves you".

That should tell you something. It takes a real man to do that!

Remember, he is with you, not her. He deserves a hug and kiss, don't you think so? (smile)

Answer 6

If those in-the-know had told you all the details of this prior relationship, you would have thought they were trying to discourage you from marrying your husband. A statement like "We all thought that he would marry Joan instead of you" would be a killer statement. They did the right thing.

The question is not about the past. Since his family and friends have encouraged your marriage to him for the past 3 years; THAT is what counts.

Recommendation: Go talk to his mother and thank her for the support you have received. Be grateful rather than embarrassed.
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My wife only saw a picture of my former fiance' before we were married. It was a great photo. THEN she got to meet her in person in a grocery store later. The ex was all freckled, not uncommon with redheads, and was not nearly as gorgeous as the photo presented her. I have not seen that woman in 30 years and have no idea where she is.

Answer 7

What does a past relationship have to do with anything? Many women would think a man weird if he didn't have a previous girlfriend. Did you meet him when he was in seminary school or something?

I suspect that he was reluctant to talk to you about it or give you any details because he sensed your feeling of being jealous and "totally obsessed with his past". Seems like you are laying a retroactive guilt trip on your husband for no legitimate reason.

As you said: "he has nothing to do with his ex-girlfriend now", so why are you obsessed with her? IMO, I don't think that some counseling about getting over your irrational jealousy would be inappropriate.

Answer 8

Geez, he probably didn't tell you all the details about that relationship because it was OVER, and he was in love with YOU.

You should be grateful for that. A romantic interest that talks about their exes all the time is a major red flag that means one of two things: they are either telling you about something you are doing as a warning about how the last one wound up burriend on the Boot Hill in their heart, or they have unresolved issues with that relationship, and you're a rebound.

The past has passed. You can't be jealous he had a past.

Answer 9

First off,grow up a learn to deal with every day life. If you're that obsessed with it than maybe you should seek professional help. I had a girlfriend just like you and she couldn't deal with my past ( a teenage son)and she had a professional job and ended up in the d-4 ward of the physco hospital several times. I ended that relationship real quick. So do some thinking and let it bother you no more. Good Luck.

Answer 10

To be honest, you'll probably never fully regain your mental peace but you can regain your self-confidence. Your best bet is to move on and and find a more meaningful relationship. If you stick around things will not get any better no matter how hard you try. Just pick up the pieces and move on. The sooner the better.

Answer 11

That's a tough one. You are battling a ghost and a memory. You are right about one thing, getting past it is very important. Look at it this way. Many of us, including me, are in a second marriage.

My wife had a first husband and had two kids by him. I would be foolish to try and convince myself that my wife and her ex never had toe curling sex, I have to look at the results of two of the occasions every day. It would be foolish for me to believe they never whispered I love you in the dark like we do now. If I thought about those things it would eat me up. She was married 16 years to this man and has a whole history without me. If I dwelled on that there would be trouble. There's one important thing I do dwell on...she's with me now. She made the choice to prefer me over all others as your husband has with you. Forget the past, know your are the love of your husbands present and future. Good Luck...