Oh boy, this could be a big problem?

Question

I am a butch lesbian and will be attending university quite a long way from home this fall. Once there, I fully intend to present as masculine as possible because, quite frankly, I feel awkward looking feminine. I daren't do this in my hometown though, because my family and friends/schoolmates are deeply religious and would frown upon this severely.

The problem is this: one of my good friends from high school will be transferring to that university in two years. I would like to maintain my friendship with him, but I'm terribly worried that he will rat out my change to people... not that he's not a good friend, but I don't really want the word getting back to my stuffy, religious high school.

What should I do?

Oh, and also, if I present as male, what dormitory do I end up in, male or female?

Answer 1

It seems you are mixing apples and oranges just a bit. When you refer to your sexual preference or identity, you use "butch lesbian". You follow it by saying you intend to present masculine. Although your appearance and sexuality may go hand in hand in practice, your friends, family, and educational institution will want a more clear definition. Some will assume you identify yourself in the "M" box, that is to say, you intend to, or wish to, be male. (or, already consider yourself one) I'm not big on boxes and labels. What you wear, what you do with your hair or who you sleep with is pure self expression and doesn't need a specific label. However, as far as the university is concerned, (assuming they don't use the co-ed method) most institutions would place you with the girls, regardless of how butch you appear. On the other hand, if you intend to be male, and want to be treated as one of the boys, using the "he" and "him" pronouns, you'll need to seek the help of a physician, a therapist, and a support group, all with experience in transgender concerns. Only then, MIGHT the school move you over to the boys dorm. All I can add is, it's a rough world out there, with a lot of abuse, assumptions, bias, and judgment... but things have come a long way from days gone by. Best wishes on your journey; spend more time being YOU and less time figuring out the label.

Answer 2

I think you should live however you are most comfortable. Cross that bridge when you come to it. If your friend is really a friend, talk to him about how you feel and what you are afraid of. Plus, if you are worried about what is going to happen two years down the road, don't put the cart before the horse; a lot can chance in two years of college. (Besides, if you are moving on with your life and aren't planning to move back, what do you care what a bunch of stuffy thumpers think?)

I do agree with The It Girl that you should get involved in a GLBT group when you get to the university. They could help you be more comfortable with who you are and provide a support system.

About dorms: if you are butch but identify as a woman, you'll be in the girls' dorm. If you decide you are really transgendered at some point down the road and are still living in the dorms, then you will want to find out what university policy is. (Personally, I wouldn't wanna be a transgender man living with a bunch of potentially bigotted Y chromosomes--haven't you seen Boys Don't Cry?)

Answer 3

As far as this high school friend that you are worried about blabbing your orientation to your high school, plenty can happen in two years. By the time you graduate (if indeed you are graduating in two years), you may decide to stay in the same university town or even move to another city entirely. if your program is longer than two years, take other people's advice and join a GLBT group at university. By the time your friend is a student, you may be confident enough not to care what the other kids in your old high school will think. Besides, he himself may want to escape the stuffiness himself. You never know. If in two years, you still feel concerned, you can have an honest conversation about this. You can tell him not to tell anyone or just tell a few close, mutual confidantes whom you both know wouldn't blab your orientation to the free world and who would be tolerant.

This is all the advice I can give. What you do is up to you.

Answer 4

Dress as you want. A few months into college, and odds are you're going to be very over your stuffy, religious high school. Don't worry about him that much. You could just ask that he not say anything about your appearance and hope for the best.

As for the dorms, check what their policies are for gender-variant individuals. Some places might have policies in place, but odds are you'll be put in the female dorms.

Answer 5

First, for a woman to refrain from feminine appearance is not so strange, just pass it off as utility or some unisex fad.

Second, your college will have guidelines on transgendered folk. You will need a letter from your shrink that you are in transition before you can "officially" pass yourself off as a male in college housing. Now if you are on a coed dorm in one of the 'freer' campuses, it often doesn't matter, but check the guidelines or talk to a school advisor first. As for passing yourself off as male in social settings, that is up to your ability, but for legalities such as registration and identification, that isn't usually a do-it-yourself thing without some potentially embarrassing risks (telling your parents you got kicked out of school or even arrested for what?).

Answer 6

Why dont you just be normal. Life will be easier for you. "present as a male" I've never seen a butch lesbian that actually looks completely like a dude. God help you.

Answer 7

Go to GLBT support groups when you get into your university - I am sure they will help you work out all these things.

Answer 8

nicely it looks like your boyfriend is going to would desire to get a activity and his very own place, considering the fact that his aunt and uncle are severe approximately kicking him out. he's going to desire one in any case, to assist you and the infant. tell him to discover artwork and initiate up saving funds.