wife and insecurity issues?

Question

I just asked a question regarding why if my wife was on birth control and then went off (she just ran out of birth control) and when we had one night of unprotected sex, why she’d get so mad at me if I asked her that I was a little afraid of that and maybe we should take that Plan B to make sure we didn’t have anymore than 3 kids (all from different partners). I wanted to add some information to the last question. She said that she’s insecure because she thinks that I don’t want to be tied down to another woman with a child and that I’m going to leave. I can’t tell whether she’s just so in love with me that she is so insecure that I’m going to leave her without having a kid of our own or it’s just an ego thing for her that I would have kids with another woman and not her. I would hope it’s the former but possibly just an ego thing for her. The thing is I’ve grown since my first marriage and instead of kids, I want all the kids we have to grow up so I can spend all my time with the woman I married. I can’t convince her of that. She’s taking it hard like I hurt her feelings when she just doesn’t understand I just want the rugrats gone so I can just be with her. How can I get that through to her that I’m not going to leave, she is worthy of having a kid with(even though I don’t want anymore. Either does she by the way. We talked about it), and that I’d like to be kid free to enjoy her without her feeling all dejected. It’s like she has very low self esteem instead of looking at reality. I’m also worried now that she’s just going to go out and try to get pregnant to prove that she’s desirable since she’s so down on herself just because of her thoughts.

Answer 1

There are deep emotional issues running here. First, you both have emotional baggage from previous relationships.

Second, the issue of future children is being used by both of you as an expression of intimacy (you see them as a barrier, she sees them as a necessity). I've seen this before in friends of mine who have kids by several different men - the kids are the way of getting the man to stay around.

Third, both of you have low self-esteem. Your wife is clearly insecure, and it is a shame because if she asked her kids, they'd think she was the greatest person on the face of the earth. You are likewise insecure - afraid that she'll be unfaithful. I'd also guess the two of you are emotionally run down - if it was possible, the two of you should take a vacation together and allow some alone time. It's tough enough to maintain intimacy in a marriage once the kids arrive. It's even more difficult if you never have time without the kids.

No one here is qualified to help the two of you talk things through in a way that would be really helpful. You really should talk with a counselor to help both of you understand where the other is coming from, and to allow the two of you to build each other up where you need to be built up.

I really do hope you are able to find the support the two of you need. From one husband to another, it's worth it.

Answer 2

She may feel some competition with the ex-wife who has children with you--the esteem problem. I think it's heightened by the hormones that cause a woman to think more of children (whether she desires a child or not). Her body is telling her that she's "lower" because she hasn't had children with you. .

I would suggest regular time alone with her, a.k.a. vacations alone and regular time alone as a couple. For example, in my family (8 kids), my parents went on a date every Saturday night. Let he know that she is the #1 woman in your life.

Answer 3

ok....
You have to really show her that you appreciate her. Bring her flowers for no reason. Tell her you want a special night for the two of you one night a week that you can focus on just the two of you. Tell her on that one night you both can either go to the movies, go out to eat, go for a walk, etc.

Answer 4

You two need professional help. Not YA.